So, after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.”
A man turned to his friend at the bar and said, “It seems I’ve been informally named adviser on ‘Sexual Matters’ at my company.”
“That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?”
“I’m not sure yet,” he answered. “During the last staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts. After that I was told that if they ever wanted my ‘fucking advice’, they’d let me know.”
A blonde gal went to the dentist to get her tooth pulled, and she was really nervous about it.
The dentist noticed this and while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the woman so she wouldn’t feel so nervous.
He asked, “Do you know how they make these gloves?”
The woman shook her head.
The doctor explained, “In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it again.”
The woman didn’t even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not to panic.
So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn’t even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.
In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out laughing and he had to stop in case she’d choke. He asked, “What’s wrong?”
She just laughed and said, “If that’s how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms.”
A cowboy and his wife had just been married and went to a hotel for their honeymoon.
The man went to the front desk and asked for a room.
He said, “This here is a very special ‘casion — our weddin’ night, and we need a very special room with a strong bed.”
The clerk winked and asked, “Do you want the Bridal?”
The cowboy thought about it a while and then replied, “No, I guess not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.”
Of course with me, nothing is ever truly happy… It’s not like the old days when I could just show up to the family Easter gathering, yap, and eat. Now I have to actually lend a hand in making the party happen, and you can believe with over twenty people coming, it’s a lot of work.
So there’s a new feature. I haven’t thoroughly tested it yet, but the random post tab will take you to a random post. How cool is that? Of course since it’s “random” it could take you to a comic, a joke, or even one of these sidebar rants of mine. It’s random!
I’m going to try to keep up with the schedule for this week, but there’s a possibility that I might not get the jokes up in time. As of this writing, the joke queue is bone dry, and since I’m going to be busy all day on Easter, you might have to entertain yourself on Monday with that fancy new random post tab.