It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner.
The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little old man slipped through the door.
He carried an umbrella, blown inside out and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so, he still looked wet, freezing and bedraggled.
As he unwound his scarf, he said to the baker, “May I have two poppy-seed bagels to go, please?”
The baker replied in astonishment, “Two bagels? Nothing more?”
“That’s right,” answered the little man. “One for me and one for Wendy.”
“And who is Wendy, your wife?” asked the baker.
“What do you think?” snapped the little man, “You think my mother would send me out on a night like this?”
A small business owner was faced with a problem that he needed to downsize his company. He added up all the receipts and discovered he could get by if he laid off one of his employees.
He looked in his files and discovered that he had two new employees, one named Jill and the other named Jack.
Because they had started on the same day at the same time, he wondered how he would make the decision on who to fire.
Finally he decided that the first one he saw taking a break would be fired.
About ten minutes later, he saw Jill leaning against the wall next to the water cooler.
He left his office and walked over to her with a serious look on his face. He turned to her and said, “Jill, I have some rather bad news. It seems as though I’m going to lay you or Jack off.”
Jill looked at her employer and said, “Well, you’re going to have to jack off. I have a headache.”
A deserting soldier was running down a road with two MP’s in pursuit. He came to a fork in the road and saw a nun standing there.
He asked her, “Please Sister, may I hide under your skirt for a few minutes. I’ll explain why later.”
The nun agreed to his request.
Shortly thereafter, the two MPs came running along and asked her if she had seen a soldier running down the road.
She replied, “He went that way”.
After the MPs disappeared, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said. “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said she understood.
The GI said, “I hope you don’t think me rude or impertinent, but you have the most beautiful pair of legs I’ve ever seen!”
The nun replied, “Well, if you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the most beautiful pair of balls you’ve ever seen, because I don’t want to go to Iraq either!”
Phil wanted a new birth control method and his doctor suggested a vasectomy.
Phil agreed and the doctor said he could perform the operation in his office.
At a crucial moment during the procedure, one of Phil’s testicles fell to the floor, and the nurse, who was wearing high heels, accidentally stepped on it and crushed it. The doctor noticed a jar of pickled onions on his nurse’s desk and realized it was the right size and weight, so he placed it in Phil’s scrotum and completed the operation.
A few months later, Phil returned for a check-up. When the doctor asked how things were going. Phil replied, “Pretty good, Doc. At least my wife’s not pregnant, but there are some strange side effects. Every time we make love, my wife gets heartburn; when I pee, my eyes water; and whenever I pass a hamburger stand, I have an erection.”
Standing nude and looking in the bedroom mirror Debbie said to Wayne, “I look horrible. I’m fat, my boobs and my ass are getting more saggy by the day, I find a new wrinkle every morning and I think I’ll have to go up yet another dress size”.
Sitting down with her head in her hands she said, “I just feel so old and ugly. Can you please pay me a compliment?”
Wayne replied with a tone of understanding, “Well if it’s any consolation, your eyesight’s spot on!”