Monthly Archives: September 2014

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
When the doctor walked in, he asked the patient to show him the problem.
“I’ll show you,” said the patient, “but you have to promise not to laugh.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the doctor. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to lift his gown, revealing the smallest adult male organ the doctor had ever seen in his life. The size and dimensions of the mans penis was almost identical to a AAA battery.
The doctor tried to stop himself, but the site of the mans diminutive member was something very unexpected. Just then, the doctor started laughing uncontrollably. Feeling very badly that he had laughed at the man’s penis, he composed himself as well as he could.
“I am so sorry,” he said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” the patient replied.

Three Soviets were on a train to the Siberian gulag. So one of them asks the two others: “So what did you do?”
The first one answers: “Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat.”
The second one answers: “Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers.”
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: “How about you, then?”
“Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.”

A man goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.”
The doctor says, “You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.”
The man says, “You have a deal, Doc.”
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, “What happened?”
The man answered, “Nobody showed up.”

Schwartzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn’t have one.
The Pope has one but doesn’t use his.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
George Burns’s was hot.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.
What is it?

A Last Name!
What were you thinking?

For his birthday little Patrick asked for a bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Patrick told him, “I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out, and she told you to wait because she was coming too. I’ll be damned if I’m sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike.”

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks “Bartender, got any specials today?”
Bartender says, “Yes, as a matter of fact, we have a new drink invented by a gynecologist patron of ours. It’s a mixture of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Smirnoff Vodka.”
The guy asks, “Gee whiz, what the heck is that?”
The Bartender says, “Well, we call it a ‘Pabst Smir'”

A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police cruiser pulled her over and the officer walked up to the car.
The Female police officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman “What does a driver’s license look like?”
Irritated, the blonde cop said “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!”
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s license” and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all this hassle.”

Two guys were talking about their favorite sex positions.
The first one said, “I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best.”
“I don’t think I have ever heard of that one,” said the other. “What is it?”
“Well,” replied the first, “it’s where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, ‘These feel just like your sister’s.'”
“Then what?”
“Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds”

Four old friends went golfing one day. Three of them headed to the first tee while the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill. The three men were talking and started bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free. Just gave it to him!”
The second man said, “My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a several dealerships. He’s so successful that he gave one of his friends a new Mercedes, fully loaded”.
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker, and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire stock portfolio”.
The fourth man came back and joined them on the tee. One of the others turned to him and mentioned, “We were just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?”
The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is a gay prostitute.” The other three men grew silent as he continued, “I’m not totally thrilled about it, but he must be doing well. His last three clients gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio”.

A man came home early from work and heard strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushed upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.
“What’s happening here?” he asked.
“I’m having a heart attack,” cried the woman.
He rushed back downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son came up and said, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet, and he’s got no clothes on!”
The man slammed the phone down and stormed upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and ripped open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there crouched his brother, totally naked, cowering in the closet.
“You rotten son of a bitch!” said the husband. “My wife’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”