A Trip to the Urologist

The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.
When the doctor walked in, he asked the patient to show him the problem.
“I’ll show you,” said the patient, “but you have to promise not to laugh.”
“Of course I won’t laugh,” said the doctor. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
“Okay then,” said the patient, and he proceeded to lift his gown, revealing the smallest adult male organ the doctor had ever seen in his life. The size and dimensions of the mans penis was almost identical to a AAA battery.
The doctor tried to stop himself, but the site of the mans diminutive member was something very unexpected. Just then, the doctor started laughing uncontrollably. Feeling very badly that he had laughed at the man’s penis, he composed himself as well as he could.
“I am so sorry,” he said, “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor, I promise that it won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
“It’s swollen,” the patient replied.

The Train to Siberia

Three Soviets were on a train to the Siberian gulag. So one of them asks the two others: “So what did you do?”
The first one answers: “Well, I arrived late at the factory, and so they accused me of slowing down the Revolution and the victory of the Proletariat.”
The second one answers: “Well, I arrived early at the factory, and so they accused me of wanting to be favored and promoted over my fellow workers.”
Then they turn to the one who asked the question: “How about you, then?”
“Well, I arrived at the factory right on time, and so they accused me of having a watch from the West.”

Another Viagra Joke

A man goes to his doctor and says, “Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all.”
The doctor says, “You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out.”
The man says, “You have a deal, Doc.”
Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling. The doctor asks, “What happened?”
The man answered, “Nobody showed up.”

Riddle Me This

Schwartzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn’t have one.
The Pope has one but doesn’t use his.
Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
George Burns’s was hot.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.
What is it?

A Last Name!
What were you thinking?

Patrick Wants a Bike

For his birthday little Patrick asked for a bicycle. His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Patrick told him, “I was walking past your room last night and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out, and she told you to wait because she was coming too. I’ll be damned if I’m sticking around here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage and no bike.”