The football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, “Just what the heck is your secret?”
So Bubba replies, “Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw ’em forever!”
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”
A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny. As he passes a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, “You know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles.”
He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn’t notice the police car pulling up.
The cop walks over and says, “Excuse me sir, but do you realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?”
The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, “A pumpkin?! Is it midnight already?”
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said, “We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered, “Let’s relive some old times.” Whereupon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
“You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps. “One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”
A cop was walking down the street when he noticed a woman coming his way. As he got closer he realized that her shirt was undone. When she came a little closer, he realized not only was her shirt undone, one boob was hanging out. The officer couldn’t believe his eyes. He stopped the woman and warned her that he could ticket her for indecent exposure, that you couldn’t walk down the street with your boob hanging out.
The woman looked down in confusion and exclaimed, “Oh crap, I left the baby on the bus!”
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Tiddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Tiddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, “I’m afraid Tiddles is dead, Lucy.”
“So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?” asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, “Tiddles’ legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Tiddles up to heaven.”
Little Lucy seemed to take Tiddles death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: “Mommy almost died this morning.”
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, “How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!”
“Well,” mumbled Lucy, “after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, ‘Oh Jesus, I’m coming!’ If it hadn’t been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy”.