Two old friends, Warren and Kenny, went on a fishing trip together. Because neither were especially avid fishermen, they rented all their equipment. They rented the reels and rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, and even a cabin in the woods. It was to be a fully immersive fishing experience.

On their first day fishing, they didn’t catch anything. The same thing happened on the second day, and again, they caught nothing on the third day. Finally on the last day of their vacation, Kenny and Warren managed to catch one small fish.

Both of the men were rather disappointed with their vacation, and on the drive home
Warren said to Kenny, “Do you realize that that one lousy fish we caught cost us over fifteen hundred bucks?”

Kenny’s eyes lit up and replied, “Wow! Then I guess it was a good thing we didn’t catch any more!”

Charley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.

After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Charley’s head.

“How you like it?” asked the barber.

“Real fine,” said Charley. “But how about making it a little longer in the back?”

Marc and Nancy signed up to participate in a study about the sex lives of married couples.

One of the sex researchers called about a recent survey that seemed to have a bit of a discrepancy. “In response to the question on frequency of intercourse, you answered ‘twice a week’. Is that correct?”

“That’s right,” said Marc.

“But it also says here that your wife, Nancy, is having intercourse several times a night. Is this some kind of mistake?” asked the researcher.

“No, it’s correct,” replied Marc, “and that’s how it’s going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off.”

A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the fences had collapsed all around.

During his first day of work, the town preacher stopped by to bless the man’s work and said, “May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!”

A few months later, the preacher stopped by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it was like a completely different place. The farm house had been completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there were plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields were filled with crops planted in neat rows. “Amazing!” the preacher said. “To think that you have accomplished all this with the help of the Lord!”

“Yes, reverend,” said the farmer, “but don’t forget what this farm was like when God was working it alone!”

A blonde dashed into the police station and cried, “I’ve been raped by an idiot!”

The detective on duty immediately took out his pen and paper to record the details. “OK, ma’am, I know you’ve been through a difficult ordeal, but I’m going to have to ask you a few questions. First of all, what makes you believe the person who raped you was an idiot?”

“Because I had to help him,” cried the blonde.

A man was walking past a travel agent’s office when he noticed a billboard promoting a “4 day cruise down the Murray River – $40 all inclusive.”

Impressed by the low price, he raced into the shop, slapped $40 onto the counter and said, “I’m here for the Murray cruise.” Quick as a wink, the travel agent whipped out a baseball bat and knocked the man unconscious.

When the man awoke, he found himself tied to a floating log and drifting down the river. After a time, he noticed another man in the same predicament on the other side of the river.

“$40 Murray cruise?” he called out.

“Yep!” said the man from the other side.

Injecting a bit of levity he called back, “I’ll bet you we don’t even get breakfast!”

The other man called back, “We did last year!”

Jesus sat down in the temple to teach some of the people. A group of scribes and Pharisees confronted Jesus and interrupted his teaching session.

They bought forth a woman accused of committing adultery. They asked Jesus if the punishment for someone like her should be stoning.

Jesus tried to ignore them at first, but after being pressed he stated that the one who is without sin is the one who should cast the first stone.

Suddenly a woman at the back of the crowd fired off a stone at the adulteress.

With a heavy sigh, Jesus said, “You can be a real bitch sometimes, Mom.”

Harry was in the hospital. He was an old man. Anyway there was this young nurse. Everytime she came in, she talked to him like a little child. She would say in a patronising tone of voice “And how are we doing this morning?!”

Well, this is a story of revenge. He had received breakfast, and pulled the juice off the tray, and put it on his stand. He had been given a urine bottle to fill. The juice was apple juice. You know where the juice went.

The nurse came in and picked up the urine bottle. She looked at it and remarked, “It seems we are a little cloudy today…”

At this, he snatched the bottle out of her hand, popped off the top, and chugged it, saying, “Well, I’ll run it through again, and maybe I can filter it better this time.”