The Major spoke to the Sergeant before the morning formation, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.”

So the Sergeant went before his morning formation and said, “Listen up, men, Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh and by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Major called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sergeant

A few months later, the Major was speaking to the Sergeant before the formation again, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Mullin’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant went before his troops and said, “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, MULLINS!”

A rather prominent physician died and went to heaven. Unfortunately, there was a very long line at the Pearly Gates. The doctor went to the front of the line and said to St. Peter, “I’m a very important doctor. Shouldn’t I be allowed to bypass this line and go right in?

St. Peter scowled upon the doctor and said, “Up here, everyone is equal. Now, please go to the end of the line and wait your turn.”

The doctor grumbled but did as he was told.

A moment later, someone with a white coat and stethoscope dashed past the line and went straight into heaven.

The doctor ran back up to St. Peter and said, “Hey, how come you let that doctor in and not me?”

St. Peter replied, “That was no doctor, that was God. From time to time he likes to play doctor.”

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were at work on the scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

As they ate their lunches, the Irishman said, “Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.”

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, “Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time for lunch, I am going to jump off too.”

The redneck opened his lunch and said, “Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I’m jumping off too!”

The next day the Irishman opened his lunchbox, saw the corned beef and cabbage, and jumped off the building.

The Mexican opened his lunch box, saw the burritos, and jumped off too.

The redneck opened his lunchbox and saw bologna, so he jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife wept and said, “If I had known he was tired of corned beef and cabbage I would have never given it to him again!”.

The Mexican’s wife also cried and said, “I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.”

Just then, everyone turned and stared at the redneck’s wife.

“Hey, don’t look at me” she said, “He made his own lunch!”

A man walked into an ice cream parlor and asked the attendant for a half-gallon of vanilla, a half-gallon of strawberry and a half-gallon of chocolate ice cream.

“Sorry” said the attendant, “we’re all out of chocolate ice cream.”

“In that case” said the man, “I’ll have a pint of vanilla, a pint of strawberry and a pint of chocolate.”

“I told you we don’t have any chocolate ice cream, buddy” said the attendant, becoming slightly annoyed.

“OK, in that case” said the man, “I’ll have a scoop of vanilla, a scoop of strawberry and a scoop of chocolate.”

“Look, mister, what does the V-A-N in vanilla spell?”

“Van” he replied, “But what does that have to do with ice cream?”

“Never mind, what does the S-T-R-A-W in strawberry spell?”

“Straw” he answered, “But I still don’t understand what this has got to do with my getting the ice cream I want?”

“What does the F-U-C-K in chocolate spell?” asked the attendant.

“Wait a minute” said the man, “there’s no fuck in chocolate!”

“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you, dick brain. Now get out of my store!”

The man walked up to the counter and said, “Let me have some grits and an RC.”

“You must be from Georgia,” said the guy behind the counter.

“What the hell kinda stereotypical remark is that?” remarked the man. “If I walked in here and asked for a sausage, would you think I was Polish?”

“No,” replied the guy.

“If I walked in here and asked for some Chow Mein, would you think I was Chinese?”

“No.”

“If I walked in here and asked for some pizza, would you think I was Italian?”

“No,” said the guy with a heavy sigh.

“Then why in the hell do you think I’m from Georgia?” said man in an irritated tone.

The guy behind the counter just shook his head and said, “Because this is a hardware store.”

A Jewish man named Moshe opened a Kosher restaurant and put a notice in the window: “ARABS NOT WELCOME”

The next day, an Arab walked in and requested a sandwich. Moshe decided that he really didn’t want to risk causing a scene, so he made the Arab the sandwich but charged him double the price.

The next day the same Arab was back, and this time he ordered a full lunch.

Moshe charged him triple and thought, “Maybe he’ll take the hint this time!”

The Arab ate his lunch, paid without a quibble, praised the food and requested a reservation for 10 of his friends for that same evening.

Moshe decided to book the reservation, but to charge them all tenfold!

That evening, the Arabs came and had a very large dinner. They paid without complaining and even tipped generously.

The next day Moshe put a new sign in the window: “JEWS NOT WELCOME.”

Sitting by the window in her convent, Sister Eulalia opened a letter from home and found a ten dollar bill inside.

As she read the letter she caught sight of a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamppost below. Quickly she wrote, “Don’t despair, Sister Eulalia” on a piece of paper, wrapped the ten dollar bill in it, and dropped it out the window.

The man picked it up, read it, looked at her with a puzzled expression, tipped his hat and went off down the street.

The next day Sister Eulalia was told that a man at the door was insisting on seeing her. To her surprise it was the stranger from the night before. Without a word he handed her a roll of bills.

“What’s this?” she asked.

“That’s the 60 bucks you have coming. Don’t Despair paid five to one.”.

Little Bruce and Jenny were only 10 years old, but they knew they were in love.

One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Bruce went to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.

Bruce bravely walked up to him and said, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, “Well Bruce, you are only ten. Where will you two live?”

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replied, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”

Again, Bruce instantly replied, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week. And I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”

Mr. Smith was impressed by how much thought Bruce had put into this. “Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”

Bruce just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”

And now Mr. Smith no longer thinks little Bruce is so cute.