A lawyer died and was met with a warm congratulatory reception in heaven. St. Peter came forward and presented him with an impressive plaque for being “The Longest Lived Man” in the history of the world.

Confused, the lawyer remarked, “What are you talking about? I was only 65!”

There was a quiet murmur as St. Peter dashed over to refer to the heavenly book. A moment later St. Peter approached the man as the crowd of well wishers dispersed.

With an apologetic tone St. Peter explained, “It was an honest mistake. You see, we added up the billable hours that you charged your clients.”

1. During the middle of the meal, turn to your mother and say, “See Mom, I told you they wouldn’t notice that the turkey was four months past its expiration date. You were worried for nothing.”

2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, “I’m thankful I didn’t get caught,” and refuse to say anything more.

3. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your “shake” back to the table. Announce that it’s the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake

4. Prepare a several hour long speech to give when asked about your thankfulness. If necessary, insist that no one leave or eat until you have finished the speech.

5. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. Insist that she bring photos and show them to everyone.

A brunette, redhead, and blonde were driving across the desert when their vehicle suffered a severe break down.

Realizing they would have to brave the rest of the journey on foot, the brunette said, “It will be a perilous trip. I will carry these jugs of water so we won’t die of thirst.”

Seeing the selflessness of her companion, the redhead said, “This journey could last for days. I will carry our supply of food so we won’t suffer hunger.”

Not to be outdone, the blonde chimed in, “And I’ll bring the car door. That way in case we get hot, we can roll down the window!”

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold.

They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped in front of a little shack.

“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.

“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.

“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

Martha had a wedding to go to, and needed a wedding gift. While thinking about what to get, she remembered a silver monogrammed tray from her own wedding that she had never used.

So her plan was to take the tray to a silversmith, have him remove her monogram, and put the bride and groom’s monogram on it. It sounded like a brilliant plan, and she set off with her tray to visit a local shop.

Upon presenting the item, with an description of the work she wanted done, the silversmith took a look at the tray and shook his head, “Lady, you can only do this so many times!”

After James passed away, his will provided $35,000 for an elaborate funeral.

After the the services, the widow’s sister asked, “How much did this really cost?”

“All of it,” said the widow. “All thirty-five thousand.”

“No!” the sister exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but $35,000?”

The widow explained, “The funeral was $10,000. I donated $2500 to the church. The wake, food, and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”

“$22,000 for a memorial stone?” balked the sister. “My God, how big is it?!”

With a wry smile, the widow replied, “Two and a half carats.”

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce.

The driver of the Yugo rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”

The driver of Rolls looked over and said, “Yes I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo replied, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, said, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, getting rather peeved, said, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls.

The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car. The bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. Finally he found the Yugo parked with all the windows fogged up on the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. The owner rolled down the window and stuck his head out, soaking wet.

“I just wanted to mention that I have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the Rolls driver stated arrogantly.

The Yugo’s owner looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for THAT?!”

Bonus:

Q: What’s the difference between a Jehovah’s Witness and a Yugo?

A: You can close the door on a Jehovah’s Witness.

After meeting in a singles bar, the man went back to the woman’s apartment for some heavy petting and a night of passionate sex.

The next morning when the guy woke up next to the woman, he looked into her eyes and asked, “By the way, I forgot to ask you if you ever had AIDS.”

The woman was slightly irked about the question, but she promptly denied that she had ever had the disease.

“That’s a relief,” said the man. “I’d hate to catch that again!”

At the University, the blonde’s final exam was comprised of only true false questions.

She took her seat in the examination hall, stared at the question paper for five minutes, took a quarter from her purse, and started flipping the coin. She marked true for heads and false for tails.

Within half an hour it seemed she had filled in all the answers while the rest of the class still struggled with the questions.

Everything seemed fine up to the last five minutes of the test when the blonde started frantically throwing the coin while swearing and sweating.

The alarmed professor approached her and asked what her problem was.

“I was finished with the exam,” she said, “But now I am rechecking my answers.”