Martin needed to cut down several trees on his property. He went to a chainsaw shop and asked about various chainsaws.

The dealer told him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but save yourself the time and aggravation and get our top-of-the-line chainsaw. It can cut a hundred cords of wood a day.”

So Martin took the chainsaw home and began working on the trees. After cutting for several hours, he decided to quit, having only cut two cords of wood. The next morning he got up at 4 AM and cut until nightfall, but only managed to cut five cords.

Convinced it was a bad saw, Martin went back to the dealer who sold it to him.

The dealer removed the chainsaw from its case and examined the unit. “It looks fine,” he remarked, and then proceeded to start the chainsaw.

Martin clapped his hands over his ears and shouted, “What the hell is that noise?”

An old lady was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared in front of her and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.

The old lady made her first wish, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.”

POOF! A huge pile of money appeared next to her on the porch!

She smiled and said, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being young and beautiful again.”

POOF! She turned into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman’s cat wandered across the porch in front of them.

“Can you change my cat into a handsome young man?” she asked.

POOF! Before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone she could possibly imagine.

As her fairy godmother flew away, the handsome young man sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear, “Now I bet you’re really sorry you had me neutered!”

Two marijuana plants walked into a bar and sat next to a couple of Viagra pills. As the marijuana plants mulled over their drinks, they lamented the fact that in most places they were still considered illegal.

The Viagra pills overheard the conversation and scoffed. They remarked how they felt marijuana should be illegal everywhere.

The Marijuana plants tried to explain their case to the Viagra pills, but to no avail.

Finally the bartender came over and explained to the marijuana plants, “It’s no use trying to convince them, They’re hard on drugs.”

Jerry walked in on Dave having sex at work!

As Dave zipped up his trousers, Jerry asked, “What the hell were you thinking having sex with her?”

Dave replied, “Well she was just lying there naked, looking sexy and all. What was I supposed to do?”

“For one,” explained Jerry, “you were supposed to be doing an autopsy on her!”

Dave indignantly shot back with “Listen, Jerry, I don’t tell you how to do your job, so don’t tell me how to do mine!”

Jerry just shook his head in disbelief, “Dave, you’ve got to be the worst veterinarian ever.”

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

Having had had a good week, the agent experienced a rare feeling of generosity towards the dejected looking couple outside his window.

He called them into his shop and explained, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

The travel agent then had his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The two gladly accepted the opportunity, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came into his shop.

“And how did you like your holiday?” the agent asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

Then a third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dog,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

Being the only single woman at the party, Sandra lamented how she would like to meet a real Renaissance man.

Karen remarked, “You know, I think my brother-in-law is a Renaissance man.”

With a look of eager interest, Sandra said, “Really? Does he have a broad area of knowledge and is an expert in a number of fields?”

“No,” replied Karen. “But he certainly looks as if he were born 500 years ago.”

A farmer in Alabama was driving across a bridge in his pickup truck when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below.

The farmer stopped his truck, ran up to the man and said, “Hey, why are you doing this?”

The man replied, “Well, I have nothing to live for.”

The farmer replied, “Well, think of your wife and children!”

The jumper replied, “I have no wife or children.”

“Well, then think of your mother and father!”

The man replied, “Mom and Dad passed on many years back.”

The Alabama man then said, “Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!”

The would-be jumper replied, “Who?”

With that the farmer said, “Jump you damn Yankee, jump!”