Jerry walked in on Dave having sex at work!

As Dave zipped up his trousers, Jerry asked, “What the hell were you thinking having sex with her?”

Dave replied, “Well she was just lying there naked, looking sexy and all. What was I supposed to do?”

“For one,” explained Jerry, “you were supposed to be doing an autopsy on her!”

Dave indignantly shot back with “Listen, Jerry, I don’t tell you how to do your job, so don’t tell me how to do mine!”

Jerry just shook his head in disbelief, “Dave, you’ve got to be the worst veterinarian ever.”

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.

Having had had a good week, the agent experienced a rare feeling of generosity towards the dejected looking couple outside his window.

He called them into his shop and explained, “I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won’t take no for an answer.”

The travel agent then had his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. The two gladly accepted the opportunity, and were on their way.

About a month later the little lady came into his shop.

“And how did you like your holiday?” the agent asked eagerly.

“The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,” she said. “I’ve come to thank you. But, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?”

A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children fell to discussing the dog’s duties.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.”

Then a third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dog,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

Being the only single woman at the party, Sandra lamented how she would like to meet a real Renaissance man.

Karen remarked, “You know, I think my brother-in-law is a Renaissance man.”

With a look of eager interest, Sandra said, “Really? Does he have a broad area of knowledge and is an expert in a number of fields?”

“No,” replied Karen. “But he certainly looks as if he were born 500 years ago.”

A farmer in Alabama was driving across a bridge in his pickup truck when he noticed a man standing on the rail of the bridge ready to jump to his death in the river below.

The farmer stopped his truck, ran up to the man and said, “Hey, why are you doing this?”

The man replied, “Well, I have nothing to live for.”

The farmer replied, “Well, think of your wife and children!”

The jumper replied, “I have no wife or children.”

“Well, then think of your mother and father!”

The man replied, “Mom and Dad passed on many years back.”

The Alabama man then said, “Well, think of General Robert E. Lee!”

The would-be jumper replied, “Who?”

With that the farmer said, “Jump you damn Yankee, jump!”

While looking though an old photo album of relatives long gone, the young lady asked, “Grandma, do you ever think about the hereafter?”

“I think about the hereafter every day,” the grandmother replied. “Every time I walk into a room or open a closet door, I think, ‘Now what was I here after?;”

A preacher on his deathbed summoned his doctor and lawyer. The two came, and he asked them to sit on either side of his bed and hold his hands.

They sat for a long while until the doctor quietly said, ”You don’t have long on this earth, Reverend. Shouldn’t you tell us why you asked us to come.”

The old preacher wheezed and said ”Well, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s the way I want to go too.”

After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”

“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I make love to my wife, the first time I am usually hot and sweaty, and then after we make love the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?” The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after making love with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”

“He’s being a silly old fart,” she replied. “The first time he makes love is in August, and the second time is in January!”

A group of nuns were attending a baseball game. Four men were sitting directly behind them.

Because the nun’s habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.

In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think we should move to Utah. I hear there are only 100 nuns living there.”

Then the second guy spoke up and said, “Oh not there! We should go to Missouri! There are only 75 nuns living in that state!”

The third guy said, “I think we should go to Texas! There are only 50 nuns living in that whole state!”

The fourth guy said, “No, no, no! The place to go is Maine! There are only 25 nuns living there!”

The mother superior turned and stared the men down while using a very sweet and unnervingly calm voice. “Why don’t you all go to hell? There won’t be any nuns there!”