On their 25th wedding anniversary, the wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, “You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

“What does that mean?” she asked suspiciously.

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!”

She beamed at him happily and said, “That’s so lovely! But what about I, J and K?”

“I’m Just Kidding!”

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy”, I call mine “Sex”. He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one too!” then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny–I have the same problem.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place it’s no big deal anymore.”

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “This courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said “That’s not unusual. It happens to a lot people.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up Friday.

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, “I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?”

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he thought to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the bump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

“I think these are yours,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway. Now if only I could find my parakeet!”

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak behind a tree. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew and knocked the gun over. To his horror, it discharged, shooting him in the crotch.

Fortunately for him, another hunter nearby heard his scream and called an ambulance. Several hours later, he was lying in a hospital bed talking to the doctor after his surgery.

“I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first, please,” said the hunter.

“The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was localized to your groin, and there was very little internal damage. We were even able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“What’s the bad news>” asked the hunter.

“The bad news is that there is some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my brother.”

“Oh no, I mean, at least I’m alright, I feared the worst. I guess it could be worse,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your brother a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly”,” answered the doctor delicately. “He plays the flute for the local symphony. He’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss all over the bathroom.”

A guy was sipping his drink at the bar when he spotted a gorgeous blonde who sat down at a table with her friends.

They made eye contact, and after a few moments the man motioned her to come over using his index finger.

She walked over to where he was sitting and remarked, “With all the other men in this bar, why should I bother with you?”

“If I could make you ‘come’ with one finger,” he explained, “Imagine what I could do with a whole hand.”

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny killed a honeybee.

His father saw him killing the honeybee and angrily said, “No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad caught him tearing the wings off a butterfly.

“That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” said his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, a cockroach ran across the kitchen floor. She jumped and stomped on it in front of Little Johnny and her husband.

Little Johnny looked at his father and said, “Are you going to tell her, or do you want me to?”

A young virgin couple had wed. They were both nervous about the consummation, but neither was willing to discuss it with each other.

For direction, the young man called his father, “Pop, what do I do first?”

“Get naked and climb into bed,” his father replied.

The young man did so, and the girl was mortified. She called her mother.

“Get naked and join him,” was the mother’s advice.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man called his dad again, “Now what do I do?”

The father explained, “Look at her naked body. Then take the hardest part of your body and stick it in where she pees!”

A few moments later, the girl called her mother, “What do I do now?”

The mother replied by asking, “Well, what is he doing?”

“He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”