A woman heard her husband cussing up a storm from behind the bathroom door. She knocked and asked, “Honey, what’s wrong?”

Her husband emerged from the bathroom and explained, “The doctor prescribed these suppositories, and no matter what I do, I just can’t get the little sucker to go up my ass. Even the doctor had to shove the first one in to show me how it was done, and I tell you, it took forever for him to get it up there and it hurt!”

“You were probably nervous and tense, and he probably wasn’t very gentle with you,” soothed the wife. “Here, let me give you the suppository. I don’t mind, and I’ll promise to be gentle.”

Still grumbling, the husband bent over. His wife put her left hand on his left shoulder to brace him, and with her right hand she quickly and easily slipped the pill up her husband’s rear end.

The husband suddenly let out a bloodcurdling scream.

“My God!” said his wife. “What happened? Did I hurt you?”

“No!” cried the man. “But I just realized that when the doctor did it, he had both hands on my shoulders!”

Brian looked down in the dumps, and his friend Larry asked him what was the matter.

“My wife is pregnant again,” signed Brian. “This is the eighth one. I have no idea how I’m going to afford another mouth to feed!”

Larry realized Brian’s predicament and suggested, “Perhaps you should consider getting a vasectomy.”

“I already did,” replied Brian. “All it did was change the color of the babies.”

A man went into a restaurant in Paris with his girlfriend and ordered the 1928 Mouton.

The waiter returned with a bottle of wine, and poured a small amount in the glass for tasting.

The customer picked up the glass, smelled the wine, and put it down on the table with a thud. “This is not the 1928 Mouton.”

The waiter assured him it was, and soon there are another twenty people surrounding the table, including the chef and the manager trying to convince the man that the wine is the 1928 Mouton. Finally someone asked him how he knew that it is not the 1928 Mouton.

“My name is Phillipe de Rothschild, and I make the wine.”

Finally, the original waiter stepped forward and admitted that he poured the Clerc Milon 1928. “I could not bear to part with our last bottle of 1928 Mouton. You know Clerc Milon, it is in the same village as Mouton, you pick the grapes at the same time, the same cépage, you crush in the same way, you put them into similar barrels. You bottle at the same time, you even use eggs from the same chickens to fine them. The wines are the same, except for a small matter of geographic location.”

Rothschild beckons the waiter forward, and whispers to him, “When you return home tonight, ask your wife to remove her underwear. Put one finger in each opening, then smell both the fingers. Perhaps then you will understand what difference a small distance in geographic location makes.”

Did you hear about the lunatic who seduced the laundry woman to get her keys so he could escape from the asylum?

The headline in the daily paper read: Nut Screws Washer and Bolts!

Tony went searching for an Anniversary Present for his wife.

He went into the department store and approached a salesclerk. “I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” Tony explained to the attractive saleswoman, “but I don’t know her size.”

She delicately placed her hand in his. “Will this help?” she asked sweetly

“Oh, yes,” he answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”

“Will there be anything else?” she asked as she wrapped the gloves.

“Now that you mention it,” said Tony, “she also needs a bra and panties.”

A man brought his wife along on a business trip to Chicago. They arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room.

The man said, “Dear, I have a brief meeting to go to. Why don’t you rest here until I get back?”

After the husband left the room, the wife lied down on the bed. Just then, an elevated train passed by the window and shook the room so hard, she was thrown from the bed. Thinking this was a freak occurrence, she lied down once more. Again a passing train shook the room so violently, she was thrown to the floor.

Exasperated, she called the front desk and asked for the manager. The manager came right up but was skeptical of the wife’s story.

“Look, lie here on the bed,” the wife directed. “You’ll be thrown right to the floor!”

So the manager laid down next to the wife.

Without warning, the husband walked into the room. “What the hell is going on here?” he demanded in an angry tone.

The manager meekly replied, “Would you believe I’m waiting for a train?”

A Jew, a Catholic, and a Mormon were having drinks at the bar following an interfaith meeting.

The Jew, bragging on his virility, said, “I have four sons. One more and I’ll have a basketball team.”

The Catholic, pooh-poohed this accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing, boy. I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team.”

To which the Mormon replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. I have 17 wives. One more and I’ll have a golf course.”

A man was sitting at the bar, staring into his untouched beer.

The bartender walked over and asked “What’s the problem, pal?”

With a heavy sigh, the man explained, “My brother just told me that there’s a sperm bank in his neighborhood that pays $50 for a donation.”

“Yeah, so?” asked the bartender.

“Don’t you see?” the man cried. “I’ve let a fortune slip through my fingers!”

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They devised a fool proof plan and put their plan into action.

The brunette drove up to the front of the bank and let the blonde out to do her stuff.

The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car. Finally, the blonde burst out of the bank, with the alarm blaring. Behind her, the blonde was lugging a safe with a rope tied around it.

The security guard ran out of the bank with his pants down around his ankles as he attempted to pull out his gun.

The blonde tried to put the safe in the car but gave up and left it behind. She ran into the passenger seat and pulled the door shut as the car sped away.

The brunette frantically asked the blonde, “What the hell happened in there?”

The blonde blurted out, “What do you mean? I followed the plan exactly!”

The brunette paused and yelled, “YOU IDIOT! YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO TIE UP THE GUARD AND BLOW THE SAFE!”