A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he thought to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the bump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

“I think these are yours,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway. Now if only I could find my parakeet!”

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak behind a tree. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew and knocked the gun over. To his horror, it discharged, shooting him in the crotch.

Fortunately for him, another hunter nearby heard his scream and called an ambulance. Several hours later, he was lying in a hospital bed talking to the doctor after his surgery.

“I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first, please,” said the hunter.

“The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was localized to your groin, and there was very little internal damage. We were even able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“What’s the bad news>” asked the hunter.

“The bad news is that there is some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my brother.”

“Oh no, I mean, at least I’m alright, I feared the worst. I guess it could be worse,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your brother a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly”,” answered the doctor delicately. “He plays the flute for the local symphony. He’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss all over the bathroom.”

A guy was sipping his drink at the bar when he spotted a gorgeous blonde who sat down at a table with her friends.

They made eye contact, and after a few moments the man motioned her to come over using his index finger.

She walked over to where he was sitting and remarked, “With all the other men in this bar, why should I bother with you?”

“If I could make you ‘come’ with one finger,” he explained, “Imagine what I could do with a whole hand.”

While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny killed a honeybee.

His father saw him killing the honeybee and angrily said, “No honey for you for one month!”

Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad caught him tearing the wings off a butterfly.

“That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” said his dad.

Later that evening as Johnny’s mother was cooking dinner, a cockroach ran across the kitchen floor. She jumped and stomped on it in front of Little Johnny and her husband.

Little Johnny looked at his father and said, “Are you going to tell her, or do you want me to?”

A young virgin couple had wed. They were both nervous about the consummation, but neither was willing to discuss it with each other.

For direction, the young man called his father, “Pop, what do I do first?”

“Get naked and climb into bed,” his father replied.

The young man did so, and the girl was mortified. She called her mother.

“Get naked and join him,” was the mother’s advice.

After laying there for a few moments, the young man called his dad again, “Now what do I do?”

The father explained, “Look at her naked body. Then take the hardest part of your body and stick it in where she pees!”

A few moments later, the girl called her mother, “What do I do now?”

The mother replied by asking, “Well, what is he doing?”

“He’s in the bathroom, dunking his head in the toilet!”

It was obvious Lou needed a hearing aid, but he felt unwilling to spend much money.

When he went to get fitted, he told the hearing specialist, “Let me see the cheapest model you’ve got!”

The specialist put a large heavy device around Lou’s neck. “This is our $2.00 model. You just stick this button in your ear and run this little string down to your pocket,” he instructed.

“How does it work?” asked Lou.

“For $2.00, it doesn’t actually work at all,” the specialist replied. “But when people see it on you, they’ll talk louder!”

While driving their respective cars, a blonde and a midget had a collision that resulted in considerable damage to the cars, but thankfully no one was injured.

The midget got out of his car and inspected the wreck before walking up the the blonde. “I’M NOT HAPPY!” he bellowed in disgust.

The blonde looked down at the little man and replied, “So which one are you?”

Martin needed to cut down several trees on his property. He went to a chainsaw shop and asked about various chainsaws.

The dealer told him, “Look, I have a lot of models, but save yourself the time and aggravation and get our top-of-the-line chainsaw. It can cut a hundred cords of wood a day.”

So Martin took the chainsaw home and began working on the trees. After cutting for several hours, he decided to quit, having only cut two cords of wood. The next morning he got up at 4 AM and cut until nightfall, but only managed to cut five cords.

Convinced it was a bad saw, Martin went back to the dealer who sold it to him.

The dealer removed the chainsaw from its case and examined the unit. “It looks fine,” he remarked, and then proceeded to start the chainsaw.

Martin clapped his hands over his ears and shouted, “What the hell is that noise?”

An old lady was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life. All of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared in front of her and informed her that she would be granted three wishes.

The old lady made her first wish, “I guess I would like to be really, really rich.”

POOF! A huge pile of money appeared next to her on the porch!

She smiled and said, “Gee, I guess I wouldn’t mind being young and beautiful again.”

POOF! She turned into a beautiful young woman.

“Your third wish?” asked the fairy godmother.

Just then the old woman’s cat wandered across the porch in front of them.

“Can you change my cat into a handsome young man?” she asked.

POOF! Before her stood a young man more handsome than anyone she could possibly imagine.

As her fairy godmother flew away, the handsome young man sauntered across the porch and whispered in her ear, “Now I bet you’re really sorry you had me neutered!”