A Jewish girl explained to her Catholic college roommate that she would need to go home for Rosh Hashanah in late September.

The Catholic girl asked, “Is this the holiday when you light the candles?”

“No,” the Jewish girl replied, “That’s Hanukkah.”

“Is that when you eat unleavened bread?” the Catholic girl inquired.

“No,” the Jewish girl corrected, “That’s Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday where we blow the shofar.”

“That’s what I like about you Jewish people,” remarked the Catholic girl. “You’re so good to your hired help.”

A woman was at her local grocery. She rushed up to the register with her items and set them on the conveyor.

The clerk had his back turned to her, so she cleared her throat and said, “Excuse me, I’m in a hurry. Could you please check me out?”

The clerk turned around, looked her up and down, and said, “Nice tits!”

A beautiful young woman was getting dressed for work one morning in her high-rise apartment building. She glanced out her fifteenth-story bedroom window and saw a window washer outside.

Thinking she would rattle him, she slowly took off her dress. The window washer just went about the business of cleaning the windows.

Next, she removed her slip in a very provocative manner. Still, the man just kept working away.

Taking her striptease to the full extent, she took off her bra and panties and began parading around her room. The window washer still took no notice of her.

Finally, the woman walked over to the window and just stood there, totally naked, staring at the man outside her window.

At last the window washer put down his pail and said, “What’s the matter, lady, haven’t you ever seen a window washer before?”

Chad and his wife were watching “Who Wants to be a Millionaire” while lying in bed.

Chad turned to his wife and asked, “Do you want to have sex?”

“Not tonight,” she answered.

“Well, is that your final answer?” he asked wryly.

Rolling her eyes his wife said, “Yes.”

Chad remarked, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started.

A man went to the doctor and complained, “My asshole is too big.”

The doctor told the man to drop his pants and bend over so he could have a look. “Good Lord!” cried the doctor. “What could have made your asshole as big as that?”

Patient explained “I was fucked by an elephant.”

The doctor remarked “But an elephant’s penis is nowhere near that wide!”

The patient replied “He fingered me first.”

A woman was distressed because her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she went to see her doctor about the problem.

The doctor told her that this was nothing serious and that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. He then suggested that she should secretly crumble dog biscuits on her husband’s cereal every morning, and little by little this would bring out the savage beast in him. He then wished her good luck, and told her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later, the woman returned to the doctor to inform him that feeding her husband dog biscuits had resulted in his untimely death!

“That’s impossible!” protested the doctor. “There’s nothing toxic in dog biscuits! What happened?”

The woman explained, “He was sitting outside licking his balls in the street when he got hit by a car.”

Tom got a new job. He worked Tuesday through Friday, but on Monday he would call the boss and say, “I can’t come in today. I’m sick.”

The same thing happened week after week. The boss was quite irritated, but he didn’t want to fire Tom because he was really good at his job. Instead he called Tom into the office and said,, “Listen, you’re a good worker, and I’m glad I hired you, but you keep calling in sick on Mondays. Will you tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?”

“I don’t drink at all, and I don’t do drugs,” explained Tom. “You see my sister is married to a guy who drinks every weekend. and then he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she’s OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, then one thing leads to another, and we start fucking.”

“You fuck your sister?” sputtered the boss.

Tom replied, “Hey, I told you I was sick.”

On their 25th wedding anniversary, the wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, “You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

“What does that mean?” she asked suspiciously.

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!”

She beamed at him happily and said, “That’s so lovely! But what about I, J and K?”

“I’m Just Kidding!”

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy”, I call mine “Sex”. He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one too!” then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny–I have the same problem.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place it’s no big deal anymore.”

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “This courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said “That’s not unusual. It happens to a lot people.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up Friday.