A man went to the doctor and complained, “My asshole is too big.”

The doctor told the man to drop his pants and bend over so he could have a look. “Good Lord!” cried the doctor. “What could have made your asshole as big as that?”

Patient explained “I was fucked by an elephant.”

The doctor remarked “But an elephant’s penis is nowhere near that wide!”

The patient replied “He fingered me first.”

A woman was distressed because her husband has lost interest in having sex. So, she went to see her doctor about the problem.

The doctor told her that this was nothing serious and that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts. He then suggested that she should secretly crumble dog biscuits on her husband’s cereal every morning, and little by little this would bring out the savage beast in him. He then wished her good luck, and told her to come back in a week with a progress report.

A week later, the woman returned to the doctor to inform him that feeding her husband dog biscuits had resulted in his untimely death!

“That’s impossible!” protested the doctor. “There’s nothing toxic in dog biscuits! What happened?”

The woman explained, “He was sitting outside licking his balls in the street when he got hit by a car.”

Tom got a new job. He worked Tuesday through Friday, but on Monday he would call the boss and say, “I can’t come in today. I’m sick.”

The same thing happened week after week. The boss was quite irritated, but he didn’t want to fire Tom because he was really good at his job. Instead he called Tom into the office and said,, “Listen, you’re a good worker, and I’m glad I hired you, but you keep calling in sick on Mondays. Will you tell me what the problem is? Do you drink a lot, do you take drugs?”

“I don’t drink at all, and I don’t do drugs,” explained Tom. “You see my sister is married to a guy who drinks every weekend. and then he beats her really badly. I go to visit her every Monday to make sure she’s OK. She starts crying on my shoulder, then one thing leads to another, and we start fucking.”

“You fuck your sister?” sputtered the boss.

Tom replied, “Hey, I told you I was sick.”

On their 25th wedding anniversary, the wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her carefully, then said, “You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

“What does that mean?” she asked suspiciously.

He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!”

She beamed at him happily and said, “That’s so lovely! But what about I, J and K?”

“I’m Just Kidding!”

Everybody who has a dog calls him “Rover” or “Boy”, I call mine “Sex”. He’s a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.

When I went to City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, “I’d like one too!” then I said, “But this is a dog.” He said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand, I’ve had Sex since I was 9 years old.” He winked and said, “You must have been quite a kid.”

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said, “You don’t need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don’t care what you do.” I said, “Look, you don’t seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Funny–I have the same problem.”

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. “But you don’t understand,” I said, “I had hoped to have Sex on TV.” He said, “Now that cable is all over the place it’s no big deal anymore.”

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog, I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married.” The judge said, “This courtroom isn’t a confessional. Stick to the case, please.” Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said “That’s not unusual. It happens to a lot people.”

Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, “What are you doing in this alley at 4 o’clock in the morning?” I told him that I was looking for Sex.

My case comes up Friday.

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, “I wonder what is INSIDE the drum?”

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he thought to himself. He got out his hammer and flattened the bump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

“I think these are yours,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway. Now if only I could find my parakeet!”

A duck hunter was out enjoying a nice morning on the marsh when he decided to take a leak behind a tree. He walked over to a tree and propped up his gun. Just then a gust of wind blew and knocked the gun over. To his horror, it discharged, shooting him in the crotch.

Fortunately for him, another hunter nearby heard his scream and called an ambulance. Several hours later, he was lying in a hospital bed talking to the doctor after his surgery.

“I have some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?”

“Tell me the good news first, please,” said the hunter.

“The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was localized to your groin, and there was very little internal damage. We were even able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“What’s the bad news>” asked the hunter.

“The bad news is that there is some pretty extensive buckshot damage to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my brother.”

“Oh no, I mean, at least I’m alright, I feared the worst. I guess it could be worse,’ the hunter replied. ‘Is your brother a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly”,” answered the doctor delicately. “He plays the flute for the local symphony. He’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t piss all over the bathroom.”