A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an
expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how she would
like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked
his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the
blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs,
but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds
her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied.
You did an excellent job and I’ m very grateful. How much did you
spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the
blank check.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a
deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly
after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’
‘So I just switched the heads.’

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and
finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with
expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of
the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to
reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin
and wants to stay that way.
“Well, OK,” he says, “how a bout a blow job?”
“EEEEyyyyyyeeeew!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in
my mouth!”
He says, “Well then, how about a hand job?”
“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”
“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”
She nods.
“Well, it’s just like that.”
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking
it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest,
his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows
out of his ears and he screams out in pain.
“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.
“TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!”

A woman was having sex in an apartment 20 floors high with another man . She then heard her husband coming … she told her lover to stay like a robot and not to move .
HUSBAND : What is this?
WIFE : This is a robot, I bought to have sex with when you are travelling…
HUSBAND: Okay… Let’s have sex now…
WIFE: No sweetheart… yesterday I got my period, so I will go and make a cup of coffee for you… !!
*After she left the husband said: Damn, I am so horny, I will f*ck this robot… he tried f*cking. The man started talking in a metallic robotic way…!!
“SYSTEM ERROR! …WRONG HOLE…! SYSTEM ERROR…! WRONG HOLE…!”
HUSBAND : Damn robot is not working properly… I am throwing it out of the window…The man realized that he was on the 20th floor and said…
*SOFTWARE UPDATED … PLEASE TRY FUCKING AGAIN.! *😀😁😂

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final ‘Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!’ and rode off.

“What did you do to get that Indian so excited?” asked the service-station attendant. “Nothing,” the woman answered “I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn’t fall off.”

“Lady,” the attendant said, “Indians don’t use saddles.”

Johnny and his best friend Wade were fishing one day and Wade said “well Johnny i have 1 cigarette and 1 match, I’m going to smoke now.” Johnny nodded his head and Wade lit the match. Well as he lit it the wind blew and the match went out. Disgusted Wade said “now what am I supposed to do? That was my only match!” Johnny said “I have this.” And he pulled out a foot long lighter. Wade said “where did you get this lighter?” Johnny said “remember when I went use the bathroom behind them bushes? Well I tripped on a well and a genie popped out and said he will grant me 1 wish…” and before Johnny could finish Wade jumped up and ran for the bushes. Just like Johnny said he tripped on a well and the genie popped out and said “I will grant you one wish.” Wade with a big smile said “I want a million bucks!” The genie said “granted, return to your fishing and enjoy your wish.” After Wade returns Johnny asked “what did you wish for?” Wade said “a million bucks!” Johnny then said “oh no!” And covered his head. A few seconds later ducks started falling from the sky. After a million fell Wade said “what the fuck? That genie must have misheard me!” Johnny then said “do you really think I wished for a 12 inch bic?”

Tax Man
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: “I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?”
“Good question”, noted the Rabbi. “We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.”
“I see!” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. “Well, Rabbi”, he went on, “What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here, too, we do not waste”, answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”
Happy Monday

A kindergarten teacher comes to class and says, “Today class I am going to give you a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that begins with that letter.” She begins with the letter “A” and all the kids raise their hands. There is one kid in the back named Johnny that is real eager to answer the question, but the teacher knows that he is always vulgar and likes to use obscenities so she chooses on little Mary to answer.
Mary stands and says, “A…Apple” The teacher replies, “That’s great, Mary, good job.” So she moves on to the letter “B”, and again Johnny is still eager to answer the question, but the teacher is sure that he will probably say “Bitch” or something like that so she calls on Todd. Todd says, “B…Baseball.” And the teacher replies, ” Good Job, Todd.”
So they start going through the alphabet and the class’ attention dwindles, except for Johnny. The teacher comes to the letter “R” and no one, except for Johnny, is raising their hand so she is forced to call on him. “Okay Johnny, what starts with R?” she says. “R…Rat” Johnny replies.
“Rat, …that’s it…rat?” the teacher questions with astonishment.
“Yeah,” says Johnny, “Big-ass mother-fuckin’ rat with a dick 12 inches long.”

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
show of hands from those who could use the word “beautiful” in the
same sentence twice. First, she called on little Suzie, who responded
with, “My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked
beautiful in it.” “Very good, Suzie,” replied the teacher. She then
called on little Michael. “My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and
it turned out beautifully,” he said. “Excellent, Michael!” Then, the
teacher called on little Johnny. “Last night, at the dinner table, my
sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, ‘Beautiful,
just fucking beautiful!'”

Little Johnnys’ Dad realized it was time to have “The Talk” with him. After a long and uncomfortable chat about the birds and the bees he paused and asked little Johnny if he had any questions.
Little Johnny thinks for a moment and says”Just one. What does a vagina look like?”
Well asks the Dad, before sex or after?
Little Johnny says, Before sex I guess.
Dad says, Picture if you will a bueatiful flower with soft delicate petals.
Oh says Johnny. Sounds nice. Just out of curiosity what does it look like after sex?
Well says Dad, picture if you will a bulldog eating mayonnaise.