In 1890, a stagecoach bounced down a rutted road, heading for Dallas.

In the coach were a Texan, a busty lady, and a greenhorn from the East.

The greenhorn kept eyeing the lady. Finally he leaned forward and said, “Madam, I’ll give you ten dollars for a blowjob.”

The Texan looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and shot the greenhorn between the running lights.

The lady gasped and said, “Thank you, sir, for defending my honor!”

The Texan holstered his gun and said, “Your honor, hell! Just trying to keep down inflation. Around here, a blowjob goes for two dollars.”

A guy ran into an ex-girlfriend, with whom he didn’t have the greatest relationship.

“You know, no matter how many women I sleep with, I’m always thinking of you.”

“Why,” she asked, “is it because you miss me?”

“No, because it keeps me from coming too fast.”

Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their love lives.

One woman said, “I call my husband the dentist. Nobody can drill like he does.”

The second woman giggled and confessed, “I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft.”

The third woman quietly sipped her whiskey until her friend asked, “Say, what do you call your husband?”

She frowned and said, “The postman.”

“Why the postman?”

“Because he always delivers late, and half the time it’s in the wrong box.”

Harland went to the whorehouse and approached the madam. After quietly whispering something in her ear, the madam made a gesture with her arm and escorted him to a private room.

“So show me what you’re talking about,” she said.

Harland took $200 out of his wallet and laid it on the table. Then he undid his buckle and dropped his trousers to the floor. A an incredibly pendulous 18 inch cock dangled between his legs.

The madam stumbled back in awe. As she recomposed herself she apologized that none of her ladies could handle that deep of a penetration. “I am sorry,” she said, “I could have them lick it and suck on it, but intercourse is out of the question.”

Harland pulled his pants up and picked up his $200, “Well, forget about it then… I can do that part by myself!”

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunk with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.

The director of the winery was skeptical, but gave the vagrant a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It’s a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”

“That’s correct”, said the astonished director. “Here, try another.”

“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results. ”

“You’re absolutely right. Here, try this glass.”

“It’s a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and very exclusive,” the drunk said calmly.

The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.

She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.

The old drunk tried it. “It’s a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get the job I’ll identify the father.”

A man fell asleep on the beach. He woke up several hours later with a severe sunburn to his legs. His skin had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony. He was rushed to the nearest hospital.

The lead on the medical staff at the hospital checked him out and prescribed intravenous electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the nurse inquired, “What good will Viagra do him in that condition?”

The doctor replied, “It’ll keep the sheet off his legs.”

Kenny came home from work one afternoon and was stopped by his neighbor.

“It may be none of my business, but this afternoon a strange man came to your house and your wife let him in. I peeked in the window and saw them making wild, passionate love.”

Kenny said,”Was he short, about 5’4″?”

“Yes,” the neighbor answered, “I believe he was.”

“Did he have a droopy eye, and appear drunk?” Kenny asked.

“Yes,” the neighbor agreed.

“Then that was the mailman, Jim,” Kenny responded. “He’ll screw anyone!”

A champion snooker player, got married.

It was the first night of their honeymoon.

His beautiful wife lay spread across the bed wearing only a scanty silken black nightdress.

The groom came out of the bathroom totally naked with a long stiff erection, and walked slowly to the foot of the bed. He didn’t utter a sound but simply stood there looking at her and chalking the end of his erect penis.

This went on for over ten minutes, the only movement being the slow rhythmic chalking of the tip of his penis and the movement of his head from side to side as he stared at her lying on the bed.

Eventually, moist with excitement and shaking with anticipation she tore off her night dress and slowly spread her legs wide open waiting for him to take her.

The snooker master simply raised his eyebrows, cocked his head to the side and continued to slowly stroke the soft chalk across his penis as he stared intensely at the pleasures he saw between her outspread legs.

It was too much for her to stand, writhing in an agony of expectation and frustration she screamed out, “For God’s sake what are you waiting for?”

As he gently stroked the chalk across his throbbing penis and blew the loose chalk off its end, he smiled and while looking even more closely between her smooth thighs quietly told her, “I’m trying to decide whether to go for the tight brown or the easy pink.”

A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father’s house.

His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision in the on-site surgery.

As they were walking, they heard a scream and a foreskin flew out of the window, landing at the girl’s feet.

“What’s that?” she asked.

“Taste it,” he replied, “If you like it, I’ll give you a whole one!”

A race car driver took one of his adoring female fans out to the bar. They had a few drinks and he took her back to his place. After a round of passionate sex, he fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

“What’s the matter? Didn’t I satisfy you?” he asked.

“It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble,” said the angry woman. “In your sleep, you felt my breasts and mumbled, ‘What perfect headlights.’ Then you felt my thighs and murmured, ‘What a smooth finish.'”

“What’s wrong with that?” asked the driver.

“Nothing, but then you felt my crotch and yelled, ‘Who the hell left the garage door open?'”