A visiting minister began the offertory prayer:

“Dear Lord,” he said with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, “without you we are but dust…”

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mommy, what is butt dust?”

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

“What was that for?” the man asked.

The wife replied, “That was for the piece of paper with the name ‘Jenny’ on it that I found in your pants pocket.”

The man then said, “When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on. I won big, too.”

The wife apologized and went back to her housework.

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan.

Picking himself up off the floor, the man asked why she had hit again.

The wife replied, “Your horse phoned.”

A married man was visiting his mistress one day, when she requested that he shave his beard.

“Oh James,” she pleaded, “I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome, clean-shaven face at least once.”

James quickly replied, “My wife loves this beard, Jocelyn. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!”

“Oh, please?” Jocelyn asked again, in a sexy little voice.

“Oh really, I can’t,” he replied. “She loves it… I just can’t!”

But Jocelyn was seductively persistent, and he sighed and finally gave in.

That night, a worried James crawled into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.

The wife woke up and sleepily felt his face. Suddenly she was wide awake, bolted upright in the bed and shouted, “Jesus Christ, Michael! What the hell are YOU doing here? My husband will be home any minute!”

There was a farmer, sitting on the front porch of his house this one hot summer day, when this kid comes walking down the road carrying a big bundle of wire.

“Hey kid!” the farmer shouts. “Where ya goin’ with that wire?”

“Well,” the kid drawls, “this ain’t just any ol’ wire, this-here’s chicken wire — I’m fixin’ to catch me some CHICKENS!”

“You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.”

“Sure I can!” the kid exclaims, and takes off down the road.

At the end of the day, sure enough, he’s got a whole mess o’ chickens caught in his chicken wire!

Our Farmer’s sitting on his porch the next day, finishing breakfast, and the same kid comes walking down the lane, carrying a big roll of tape.

“Hey kid!” the farmer yells. “Where ya goin’ with that tape?”

“Well, this-here ain’t just any ol’ tape, this here’s duck tape — I’m fixin’ to catch me some DUCKS!”

“You can’t catch ducks with duck tape!” the farmer yells.

“Sure I can!” the kid replies, and takes off down the road.

He returns at twilight, and again, the farmer can’t believe his eyes. The kid had a whole bunch of ducks — all wrapped up tightly in tape!

The following day the farmer’s sitting on his front porch again, and the same kid comes walking down the road, carrying a stick.

“Hey kid!” the farmer mocks. “Where ya goin’ with that stick?”

“Well, this-here ain’t just any old stick, this here’s a pussy willow.”

“Hang on,” the farmer says, “’til I go fetch my hat!”

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.

2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.

3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.

4. The cat’s exhausted from just watching you.

5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.

6 You’ve both gone down one clothing size.

7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There’s nothing left to adjust.

8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.

9. Boy, are you hungry!

10. You’re absolutely satisfied, yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

Whenever I come home from playing golf, my son always asks me excitedly, “Did you win, Dad?”

I have explained to him time and time again that you’re really just playing against yourself.

We were on vacation and I had gone out to play a round. When I returned, the kids were swimming in the hotel pool, which was full of kids and surrounded by dozens of parents.

From across the pool, at the top of his lungs, my son yelled, “Hey Dad! Did you have fun playing with yourself?”

We checked out that night.