Kenny had been taking skydiving classes, and was about to take his first solo jump. After he dove out of the airplane, he counted to ten and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged tangled. After cutting it free, he then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled.

At this point he began praying to God as he fell to the earth below. To his amazement, could see a man coming up with equal velocity.

“Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?” he shouted to him, as they passed by.

“No,” replied the man. “Do you know anything about gas grills?”

A lady was having a bad day at the roulette tables in Vegas. She was down to her last $50.

Exasperated, she exclaimed, “What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A man standing next to her suggested, “I don’t know. Why don’t you play your age?”

The man walked away. Barely a moment later, his attention was grabbed by a commotion at the roulette table. “Maybe she won!” He thought as He rushed back to the table.

When the man pushed through the crowd he found the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man was stunned. He asked, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replied, “I don’t know. She put all her money on 29, and when 36 came up she just fainted!”

Three guys were debating who had the best memory.

The first guy boasted, “I can remember the first day of First Grade!”

The second guy retorted, “I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”

Not to be outdone, the third guy said, “That’s nothing! I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother!”

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife felt bad about what happened, and decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. After talking with the pro, he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

“How much is it?” she asked.

“One hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

“But it comes with an inscription,” he said temptingly.

“What kind of inscription?” she asked.

“Whatever you wish,” he explained, “An old golfers favorite is, ‘Never up, never in’.”

“Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place!”

The teacher addressed the students during a good manners and etiquette class, “If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during the dinner you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Mike replied, “I’ll be back a minute, I’m going to go pee.”

The teacher said, “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Charlie replied, “I’m sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I’ll be back in a minute.”

The teacher said, “That’s better but to mention the word ‘toilet’ during a meal, is unpleasant.”

Just then little Johnny piped up, “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a dear personal friend with whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.”

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.

Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.”

One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear!

She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but they both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.”

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished.

One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”

After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing ANY panties under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore none, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house.

They peaked at the bird.

At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it. You’ll catch on again fast.”

Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked the general’s wife on the ass and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”

A woman in her fifties was happily jumping on her bed in the nude while squealing with delight.

Her husband watched her for a while and asked, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”

While continuing to bounce, the woman said, “I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.”

“What did he say about your 55-year old ass?” the husband remarked wryly.

“Your name never came up,” she replied.

An old couple was planning a second honeymoon for their golden wedding anniversary.

She suggested, “We’ll go to all the same places like we did fifty years ago.”

He mumbled, “Uh huh.”

“And we’ll do all the same things that we did fifty years ago.”

“Uh huh.”

“And we’ll make love like we did fifty years ago.”

He responded, “Yeah, except this time it’ll be me who sits on the side of the bed and cries, ‘It’s too big. It’s too big!'”