The teacher addressed the students during a good manners and etiquette class, “If you were courting a well educated young girl from a prominent family, and during the dinner you needed to go to the toilet, what would you say to her?”

Mike replied, “I’ll be back a minute, I’m going to go pee.”

The teacher said, “That would be very rude and improper on your part.”

Charlie replied, “I’m sorry, but I need to go to the toilet. I’ll be back in a minute.”

The teacher said, “That’s better but to mention the word ‘toilet’ during a meal, is unpleasant.”

Just then little Johnny piped up, “My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to go shake hands with a dear personal friend with whom I hope to introduce to you after dinner.”

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house.

Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounce three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, “Yellow, blue, black.”

One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear!

She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but they both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely the parrot spoke, “Black, black, black.”

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished.

One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.”

After saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing ANY panties under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore none, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house.

They peaked at the bird.

At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled. He swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on.

Then, after a while, the Parrot spoke, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Manhattan bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come work for him as his valet.

“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it. You’ll catch on again fast.”

Next morning promptly at eight o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the ex-general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gentle shake, strode around the other side of the bed, spanked the general’s wife on the ass and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”

A woman in her fifties was happily jumping on her bed in the nude while squealing with delight.

Her husband watched her for a while and asked, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”

While continuing to bounce, the woman said, “I don’t care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor said that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.”

“What did he say about your 55-year old ass?” the husband remarked wryly.

“Your name never came up,” she replied.

An old couple was planning a second honeymoon for their golden wedding anniversary.

She suggested, “We’ll go to all the same places like we did fifty years ago.”

He mumbled, “Uh huh.”

“And we’ll do all the same things that we did fifty years ago.”

“Uh huh.”

“And we’ll make love like we did fifty years ago.”

He responded, “Yeah, except this time it’ll be me who sits on the side of the bed and cries, ‘It’s too big. It’s too big!'”

A Japanese couple is having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:

Husband: Sumitaki.

Wife replies: Kowanini!

Husband says: Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!

Wife on her knees literally begging: Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!

Husband replies angrily: Na miaou kina Tim kouji!

Unbelievable!

I can’t believe you just sat and tried to read this. As if you understand Japanese!

I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex.

You need help!

The husband and wife were getting ready for bed. As soon as they settled down the man leaned over and whispered softly,”Hey snuggle boopy boopsy, our little hubby wubby isn’t quite ready for nite-nite yet.”

The wife took the hint and replied, “OK but I have to use the bathroom first.”

She got up and went to the bathroom, but on her way back she tripped over a piece of carpet and landed flat on her face.

Her husband jumped up concerned, “Oh my little hunny bunny is your nosey-wosey all right?”

“I’m fine,” she said. “Let’s get this over with,” as she jumped into bed and made mad passionate love for two hours!

Afterwards the wife went off to the bathroom again. Just as before she tripped over the same piece of carpet landing flat on her face!

Without any sign of flinching the husband grunted, “Clumsy bitch.”

A mother walked by her young son’s room and saw little Johnny masturbating.

Later, she had a talk with him and told him that good little boys save it until they are married.

A few weeks later, the mom was having another talk with little Johnny. “How are you doing with that problem we talked about, dear?” she asked.

Little Johnny cheerfully replied, “Great! So far, I’ve saved nearly a quart!”

A Scotsman moved to Canada and attended his first baseball game in Toronto.

The first batter approached the batters’ box, took a few swings, and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming “Run”

The next batter hit a single. The Scotsman listened as the crowd again cheered, “Run! Run!”

The Scotsman was enjoying the game and began screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter came up and let four balls go by. The Umpire motioned the player to walk.

The batter started his slow trot to first base. The Scot stood up and screamed, “Run ye lazy bastard, RRUNN!”

The people around him began laughing, and the embarrassed Scot sat back down.

A friendly fan noted the man’s embarrassment, leaned over and explained, “He can’t run; he’s got four balls.”

The Scot stood up again and screamed, “Walk with pride, Laddie!”