A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor. Then he saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived

I know you’re really surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here

A young Jewish boy started attending public school in a small southern town. The teacher of the one-room school decided to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asked the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”

A girl raised her hand and said, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country.”

The teacher replied, “Well, that’s a good answer, but that’s not the answer I am looking for.”

Another young student raised his hand and said, “I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war.”

“Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for.”

Then the new Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.”

The teacher’s mouth drops open in astonishment. “Yes!” she says, “that’s the answer I was looking for.” She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.

Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approached him as he licked his lollipop and said, “Why on earth did you say, ‘Jesus Christ’?”

The boy stopped licking his lollipop and replied, “I know it’s Moses, and YOU know it’s Moses, but business is business!”

A blonde sat down at the bar a couple seats over from a man. After a few drinks she started up a conversation with him. “So what kind of work do you do?” she asked innocently.

“Well I’m a breast psychic,” replied the man. “In fact, I could tell you the exact day you were born just by placing my hands on your breasts.”

“OK,” said the blonde, “Let’s see you do it!” as she puffed out her chest towards the man.

The man reached out with one hand and cupped her left breast, then he reached out with his other hand and cupped her right breast. He then began to intently massage the woman’s bosom.

After a couple of minutes, the annoyed blonde said, “Come on, already! What day was I born?”

“Yesterday,” replied the man.

A man went to the patent office with some of his new designs.

“I’d like to register my new invention. It’s a folding bottle,” he said to the clerk.

“OK,” said the clerk. “What do you call it?”

“A fottle,” replied the inventor.

“A fottle? That’s silly!” chided the clerk. “Can’t you think of something else?”

“I’ll think about it, but I’ve got something else though. It’s a folding carton.”

“And what do you call that?” asked the clerk.

“A farton”, replied the inventor.

“That’s rude. You can’t possibly call it that!”

“In that case,” said the inventor, “you’re really going to hate the name of my folding bucket.”

A DEA officer made a stop at a farm, “I need to inspect your farm for any illegal drug growing.”

The farmer said “Okay, but don’t go in that field over there.”

The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the federal government with me!” Reaching into his rear pants pocket the arrogant officer removed his badge and shoved it in the farmer’s face. “See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land, no questions asked or answers given! Do you understand? Have I made myself clear?”

The farmer nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the farmer heard loud screaming, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by an angry bull. With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he would be gored before reaching safety. The officer was clearly terrified.

So the farmer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs, “Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!”

A man moved to a nudist colony. Not long after, he received a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture.

The man was too embarrassed to let her know that he lived in a nudist colony, so he cut a photo in half and sent her only the top part.

Later that week, he received another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother.

The man cut another picture in half, but accidentally sent his grandma the bottom half.

He was really worried when he realized he sent the wrong half, but then remembered how bad his grandmother’s eyesight was and hoped she wouldn’t notice.

A few weeks later he received another letter from his grandmother. It said, “Thank you for the picture, but please consider changing your hair style. It makes your nose look long!”

A husband and wife were shopping at the grocery when the man picked up a case of Bud Light and put it in the cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the wife.

“They’re on sale! Only $15 for 24 cans”, he said.

“Put it back. We can’t afford it,” the wife scorned.

A few aisles later the woman picked up a $30 jar of face cream and put it in the cart.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asked the husband.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” she replied.

“So does a case of Bud Light, and it’s only half the price!”

The teacher had given the class a homework assignment. She wanted them to report on a talent they had and were especially good at.

The teacher called on Mary. Mary got up and said, “I’ve been taking piano lessons for 2 years.” The teacher told Mary that was very good.

Student after student was called on, and after all of the other students told about their talents, the teacher didn’t have a choice but to let Little Johnny have his turn.

He stood up and said, “This is my special talent!” Then he stuck his tongue out.

The teacher said, “Little Johnny, I don’t understand. How is your tongue a special talent”?

“Well, my babysitter said that it’s a special talent because not every boy that she baby sits has a pussy grinder!”

An elderly Italian Jewish man wanted to unburden his guilty conscience by talking to his Rabbi.

“Rabbi, during World War 2, when the Germans entered Italy, I pretended to be a Catholic and changed my name from Levy to Spamoni, and I am alive today because of it.”

“Self preservation is allowable, and the fact that you never forgot that you were a Jew is admirable,” said the Rabbi.

“Rabbi, during the war, a beautiful Jewish woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic and they never found her.”

“That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to feel guilty.”

“It’s worse Rabbi. I was weak and told her she must repay me with sexual favors, which she did, repeatedly.”

“You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. There is a favorable balance between good and evil, and you will be judged kindly. Give up your feelings of guilt.”

“Thank you, Rabbi. That’s a great load off my mind. But I have one more question.”

“And what is that?”

“Should I tell her the war is over?”

A couple of friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other, “Why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?”

“It’s probably because of her speech impediment,” replied the second guy.

“What do you mean her speech impediment?” inquired the first fellow. “My wife doesn’t have a speech impediment!”

“Well,” replied his friend, “then you must be the only guy who’s never noticed that she can’t say ‘NO’!”