A young woman having no luck in starting a family consulted her physician. After the results of numerous tests came back, the doctor was further perplexed and decided to confer with his two colleagues

As the three doctors were discussing the young woman’s condition, the first one came to the conclusion, “Well, it’s obvious this woman is impregnable,”

“Perhaps,” said the second, “but it is my belief that she is inconceivable.”

“No, no, no!” scolded the third. “It should be obvious by now that the woman is simply unbearable!”

A man walked into a bar with an alligator on a leash. As he sat down at the bar he asked the barkeep, “Do you serve lawyers here?”

“Of course we do, Sir. What can I get for you?”

With a satisfied smile the man replied, “I’ll have a beer for myself, and a lawyer for my gator.”

Jerry was a non-believer. One fateful day, he died and was sent to hell.

To his surprise, the sky was blue, the grass was lush and green, the trees were filled with delicious fruit, and the other condemned souls were running around laughing and playing.

A human-like figure wearing a white tuxedo and a magnificent set of horns came up to Jerry and said, “Welcome to hell, Jerry. I am Satan, and I’m so pleased to meet you! If there’s anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable, be sure to let me know.”

As Jerry explored his unexpected afterlife, he found a large chasm in the ground. It reeked of sulfur and when he looked down inside he saw a humongous chamber filled with flames and screaming souls.

Just then Satan came up and shooed Jerry away from the pit.

“What’s all that going on down there?” asked Jerry.

“Oh, just ignore them,” Satan replied while rolling his eyes. “They’re Christians; they wouldn’t have it any other way.”

The manager noticed his blonde secretary at her desk in tears.

Deeply concerned, he asked, “What’s wrong?”

The blonde replied, “My mother passed away this morning.”

“I’m so sorry to hear that,” replied the manager. “Why don’t you go home and take the day off?”

“No thank you,” replied the blonde. “It’s best that I keep myself busy.” And with that the blonde dried her eyes and got back to typing.

Later that day, her manager finds her crying again, so he said, “I know you’re upset about your mother passing away, and I know you said you’d rather keep busy, but the company does provide paid bereavement when you lose a parent.”

Drying her tears again she said, “It’s not that. My sister just called, and her mom passed away this morning too!”

An American went into a Swiss bank carrying a large duffel bag.

He walked up to a teller and in a hushed voice said, “I have a million dollars in cash that I need to deposit into a Swiss bank account as quickly as possible.”

The teller replied, “There’s no need to whisper, Sir. Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of in Switzerland.”

A man walked into a pharmacy and asked for some Viagra.

The pharmacist said, “Sure, do you have a prescription?”

“No,” answered the man, “but here’s a picture of my wife.”

An old woman died and went to heaven. She was chatting it up with Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden, she heard the most awful bloodcurdling scream.

“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter. “It’s only someone having the holes put into their shoulder blades for wings.”

The old woman felt a little uncomfortable about this, but carried on with the conversation.

A moment later, there were more blood curdling screams.

“Oh my God!” exclaimed the old woman. “Now what is happening?”

“Not to worry,” said Saint Peter. “They’re just having their head drilled to fit the halo.”

“I can’t do this,” said the old woman, “I think I’d rather just go to hell.”

“Oh, you don’t want to go there,” said Saint Peter. “If you go down there, you’ll be raped and sodomized.”

“Maybe so,” said the old woman, “but I’ve already got the holes for that.”