A blonde on her way home from work was caught in a hail storm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.

The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.

So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car’s tailpipe. Naturally, nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

Her roommate, also a blonde, came home and said, “What are you doing?”

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.

Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, “HELLLLOOOO!!!You need to roll up the windows first.”

The 8-year-old choir boy was exploring the church, when he caught the priest masturbating.

“What are you doing, Father?” he asked innocently.

“It’s called masturbating,” the priest replied. “You’ll be doing this soon.”

“Why, Father?” he asked.

The priest answered, “Because my wrist is killing me.”

Two men were drowning their sorrows at the bar. After the first one tells his tale of shame and regret, the other said, “You think that’s bad? Even though I know it’s unethical, I keep having sex with one of my patients. If any of my colleagues, staff, or clients find out, I’m sure it will ruin me!”

“I wouldn’t be so hard on yourself,” said the first guy. “It’s not like you’re the first doctor to fall in love with a patient.”

“Oh sure,” said the second man, “but I bet they weren’t veterinarians.”

Dirty Grandpa Harry was feeling a bit frisky one night. Not wanting to waste a rare erection he nudged Grandma laying in bed next to him.

“Hey Ethel,” he said as he lifted the sheets. “How’d you like to put your teeth around this beauty!”

Bleary eyed she reached over to the nightstand and grabbed her dentures. As she handed them to Harry, she said, “You go right ahead, but try not to disturb me.”

John was in a bar looking very dejected.

His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, “What’s wrong?”

“It’s my mother-in-law,” John replied, while shaking his head sadly. “I have a real problem with her.”

“Cheer up,” Steve said. “Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law.”

“Yeah,” John answered. “But I got mine pregnant.”

A little boy went up to his father and asked, “Dad, why do they say gardeners have green thumbs, when their thumbs aren’t green?”

The father replied, “It’s just a saying, son. It’s like when somebody is caught stealing, they say they have been caught ‘red handed’, even though their hands are actually black.”

A pub in Dublin was burning to the ground and firefighters rushed in to put out the fire.

When they got inside they found an Irishman passed out from smoke inhalation.

They dragged him out of the bar, and eventually the man came to.

One of the firemen asked “Can you tell us how the fire got started?”

The Irishman replied, “How should I know? It was already burning when I walked in.”

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the madame, “Is this a union house?”

“No, I’m sorry it isn’t.”

“Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The house gets $80 and the girls get $20.”

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the madame said, “Why yes, this is a union house.”

“And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?”

“The girls get $80 and the house gets $20.”

“That’s more like it!” the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. “I’d like her for the night.”

“I’m sure you would, sir,” said the madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-nine-year-old woman in the corner, “but Ethel here has seniority.”

While sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer saw a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thought to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that there were five old ladies — two in the front seat and three in the back – eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, said to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replied, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. “No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-Two miles an hour!” the old woman said a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explained to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time.” the officer asked.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.”

Two men had been lost in the desert for weeks and were at death’s door. As they stumbled on, they suddenly noticed a tree off in the distance.

As they got closer, they saw that the tree was draped with bacon. There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, and even life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon.

“Oh my God!” said the first man. “It’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!”

“You’re right!” said the second.

So the first man ran up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food, but when he got within five feet of the tree, there was the sound of machine gun fire, and he was shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly dropped to the ground and called across to the dying man, “What just happened?!”

With his dying breath the slain man called out, “It’s not a Bacon Tree… It’s a Ham Bush!”