Late in the night a man regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital’s ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he’d obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, “You may not feel anything from the waist down.”

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, “Can I feel your tits, then?”

Harold was in his mid thirties and still single. One day a friend asked, “Why aren’t you married? Can’t you find a woman who will be a good wife?”

Harold replied, “Actually, I’ve found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn’t like them.”

His friend thought for a moment and said, “I’ve got the perfect solution, just find a girl who’s just like your mother.”

A few months later they met again and his friend asked, “Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?”

With a frown on his face, Harold answered, “Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much.”

The friend said, “Then what’s the problem?”

Harold replied, “My father doesn’t like her.”

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench eating one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.”

Without even glancing up at the man, Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”

The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”

Little Johnny answered, “No, but he knew when to mind his own fucking business.”

Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Frank and his wife Ann listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He then addressed the men.

“Can you name and describe your wife’s favorite flower?”

Frank leaned over, touched Ann’s arm gently, and whispered, “Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

And thus began Frank’s life of celibacy.

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Still nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

“Well, Buddy is blind,” explained the farmer, “and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

A woman went up to an elderly looking man who was contently rocking in a chair on his porch.

“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke about three packs a day,” he said. “I also like to drink about case of whiskey every week. I also find it helps to eat delicious fatty foods, but never waste time trying to exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“I’ll be twenty-eight in June,” he said.

A married man went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”

The priest asked, “What do you mean, almost?”

The man said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”

The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”

The man left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”

The man replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”

The husband died, and the wife brought the ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she walked out the back door and poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. “You know that dishwasher you promised me?” she said in a melancholy tone. “I bought it with the Insurance money.”

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, “Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money.”

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said, “Remember that diamond ring you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money.”

Finally, she reached down at her side and picked up a leaf blower as she said, “Remember that blow job I promised you? Well I hope you’re ready!”