A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing.

Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: “Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about.

“Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator.

“Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn’t wear because they were out of style.

“She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn’t suit you.

“Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don’t fit into anymore.

“Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, ‘Is there anything else that your wife doesn’t use anymore?’

“And so, here we are!”

Agnes married and had 4 children.

When her first husband died, she married again and had 5 more children.

Again, her husband passed away. So Agnes remarried and this time had 3 more children.

A few years after her third husband passed, Agnes herself died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher said a prayer for her, “Thank you Lord for this very loving woman”. He paused before mentioning, “They are finally together now.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

The teacher was going over the last lesson with the class to make sure they absorbed all the information.

“OK, children, what does the chicken give you?” she asked in a cheerful tone.

“Eggs!” the kids sounded off in unison.

“Very good!” replied the teacher. “Now what does the pig give you?”

“Bacon!” came the enthusiastic response.

“Great! And what does the cow give you?”

After a moment of silence, a voice from the back shouted, “Homework!”

Little Johnny’s father asked him if he knew about the birds and the bees.

“I don’t want to know!” Johnny cried as he burst into tears.

Confused, his father asked what was wrong.

Little Johnny sobbed, “First, there was no Santa Claus, then no Tooth Fairy, and finally, no Easter Bunny. If you’re about to tell me that grownups don’t really have sex, then I’ve got nothing left to believe in.”

Jesus was hanging from the cross and he called out to Peter, “Peter, I need to see you.”

Peter tried to get to the cross but the Roman soldiers fought him back.

Jesus again said, “Peter, please come here. I want to tell you something.”

Again Peter tried to fight his way through the guards but once again they stopped him.

One more time, Jesus said, “Peter, please, I need to tell you something.”

This time, Peter mustered up all of his strength, managed to get past the guards, went up to the cross and said, “Yes my Lord, what do you want to tell me.”

Jesus replied, “I can see your house from up here.”

After a few too many mixed drinks, a rather generously proportioned woman climbed onto one of the tables at the bar and started dancing.

Nearby, an equally inebriated man was watching in amazement. “Those legs are amazing!” he exclaimed.

“Do you really think so?” the woman giggled as she danced.

“Absolutely,” he replied. “Any other table would have collapsed by now!”

Two eight-year-old boys played in a vacant lot every day, and across the street was a brothel. Day after day they saw men go up, knock on the door, go in, and eventually come out happy and smiling.

One day they became curious and decided to see what was going on. The madam answered the door, looked down at the boys, and asked what they wanted.

They explained what they saw, and told her that they were curious as to what goes on inside. The Madam thought for a moment, shrugged, and said, “Do you have 5 dollars?”

Both boys dug deep into their pockets but only came up with a total of 50¢.

She said, “OK, that will have to do,” as she proceeded to lift her skirt and pull down her panties. She told both boys to take a sniff, which they did. After which she closed the door, and the kids went on their way home.

About halfway down the block one boy turned to the other and said, “Ya know Joey, I don’t think I coulda stood 5 dollars worth of that.”

Big Bad Bart walked into a bar. He was a rather large, menacing guy. He ordered a beer, chugged it back, and then bellowed, “All you guys on this side of the bar are cocksuckers!”

A sudden silence descended. After a brief pause, he added, “Anyone got a problem with that?” The silence deepened.

Bart chugged back another beer and growled, “And all you guys on this side of the bar are motherfuckers!”

Once again, the bar was silent. He scowled at them belligerently and roared, “Anyone got a problem with that?”

A lone man got up from his stool and started walking towards Big Bad Bart.

Bart looked the man square in the eye and said, “You got a problem, buddy?”

“Oh no,” insisted the man. “I’m just on the wrong side of the bar.

In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died.

His widow was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor widow was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.

After the marriage on Friday, they went to the temple. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother told me that after the Friday services, and before lighting the candles, it’s expected the couple have sex.”

So they did.

That night after dinner she lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, “My father told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to have sex.”

So they did.

They went to bed after prayers.

When they awoke, he said to her, “My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue, you are expected to have sex.

So they did.

After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, “My grandfather says that after praying it’s a custom to have sex.”

So they did.

The next day, she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, “So how is the new husband?

She replied, “Well, he’s no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family!”