In a small town in the old country the Rabbi died.

His widow was so disconsolate that the people of the town decided that she ought to get married again. But the town was so small that the only eligible bachelor was the town butcher.

The poor widow was somewhat dismayed because she had been wed to a scholar, and the butcher had no great formal education. However, she agreed and they were married.

After the marriage on Friday, they went to the temple. Then home to prepare to light the candles. The butcher leaned over to her and said, “My mother told me that after the Friday services, and before lighting the candles, it’s expected the couple have sex.”

So they did.

That night after dinner she lit the candles. He leaned over again and said, “My father told me that after lighting the candles it’s good to have sex.”

So they did.

They went to bed after prayers.

When they awoke, he said to her, “My grandmother said that before you go to the synagogue, you are expected to have sex.

So they did.

After praying all day, they came home to rest, and again he whispers in her ear, “My grandfather says that after praying it’s a custom to have sex.”

So they did.

The next day, she went out to shop for food and met a friend who asked, “So how is the new husband?

She replied, “Well, he’s no scholar, but he comes from a wonderful family!”

A city boy wanted to marry a country girl. She insisted that he ask her father for her hand in marriage, so off he went to the farm.

“I want to marry your daughter, sir,” he politely informed the farmer.

“Well, my boy, you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter,” challenged the farmer

“I’ll do anything for my love,” replied the young man.

“You see that cow out in the pasture? Well go screw it.”

A little puzzled the young man sighed, “OK, anything for my love.”

After mounting the cow, the boy came back and asked, “Now may I marry your daughter?”

“Nope.” replied the farmer, “See that goat over yonder? Well, go screw it.”

After defiling the goat, the lad returned, “Now can I marry your daughter?”

“Not yet. You see that pig in the sty? Well hop to it.”

Once again he complied and returned.

The farmer is amazed at seeing this boy following through with these deeds just to marry his daughter, and tells the city boy, “Now you may marry my daughter.”

The young man replied, “To hell with your daughter! How much for that pig?”

An eligible bachelor took his new date to a fancy restaurant to impress her.

She ordered only the most expensive items on the menu: caviar, filet mignon, lobster, and even Champagne.

Taken aback, the man asked, “Does your father buy you things like this when your family has dinner out?”

She replied with a smile, “No, but then, Father’s not expecting a blow job later, either!”

Without hesitation, he mentioned, “Don’t forget to order your dessert as well.”

An elderly couple was sitting on the out porch when the husband turned to his wife and, “Muffin, I feel like making love tonight.”

The wife replied, “Ok Ernest, I will let you, but be gentle this time.”

“But I am always gentle with you, dearest!”

“That’s not true, she replied, “the last time you woke me up TWICE!”

Two very nervous men got to talking in the doctor’s waiting room.

They discovered they had similar symptoms: one had a red ring around the base of his penis and the other one had a green ring.

The fellow with the red ring was examined first.

In a few minutes he came out, all smiles, and said, “Don’t worry, man, it’s nothing.”

Vastly relived, the second man went into the examining room, only to be told a few minutes later by the doctor, “I’m sorry, but you have an advanced case of VD. I’m afraid you’ll have to be castrated.”

Turning white, the young man gasped, “But the first guy… He said it was no big deal!”

“Well, you know,” said the doctor, “there’s a big difference between gangrene and lipstick.”

A man got on the bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, the man broke the ice and said, “It’s golf balls.”

Unable to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

A man and a woman were having a quiet romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly into each others’ eyes and holding hands.

The waitress was taking an order at a table a few steps away when she noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table. All the while, the man continued staring straight ahead.

The waitress thought this behavior was a bit risque and worried that it might offend other diners. She went over to the table and tactfully commented to the man, “Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table!”

The man looked up calmly and replied, “No, she didn’t. She just walked in the door.”

A guy walked into a bar with his midget wife and took a stool with his wife standing next to him.

The bartender was busy at the other end and didn’t see them when they walked in.

When he got done serving the customers there, he walked down the bar and asked the new customer what he would like.

He asked for two glasses of beer, which the barman brought.

After leaving him, the bartender went about serving other patrons, when he noticed the man had finished his beers. He asked if he would like a refill, and the man said, “Yes. I’ll have a couple more.”

The barman got two more beers and set them in front of the man.

Not seeing anyone else with the guy, his curiosity is piqued, and he asked him, “Why, did you order two drinks at a time?”

The man replied, “Oh, one is for me, and the other for my wife.”

The confused bartender replied, “Your wife? Where is she?”

“She’s standing here next to me.”

The bartender leaned forward to look over the edge of the bar and uttered, “Well, I’ll be God damned, she ain’t any bigger than your fist!”

The man replied, “No, but she’s a hell of a lot better!”