Mildred and Chester knew each other from childhood but were in their seventies when they got married. They had to wait for Millard’s mother to pass away first.

Back in those days there was no hanky panky before marriage, so Chester and Mildred were both still virgins.

Needless to say Chester was pretty excited on their wedding night, having waited so patiently all those years.

However, Mildred was very apprehensive as she had developed a heart condition and would have to tell Chester that they could not do it.

Chester was sitting on the bed wanting Mildred to hurry up. He detected a little reluctance on her part. Thinking that she was shy he sent her off to the bathroom to get undressed.

When she reappeared in her silk satin nightie, he got her to sit next to him on the bed. Not knowing how to get things started he pulled the first strap on her nightie.

She blushed just as red as her silk satin nightie, but she was still apprehensive about explaining her heart condition.

Meanwhile Chester was looking at the first breast he had seen since his own mother’s. It was hanging there down to her belly button! Apparently gravity took it’s toll over some sixty years. He noted her anxiety but figured she was just nervous about her first time.

He then pulled the second strap and saw the second breast unroll downward before him.

Poor Mildred was beside herself. She had to tell Chester about her heart. With a quivering voice and mustering up all her courage, she said, “Chester I have acute angina.”

Chester replied, “I sure hope so. Cuz you’ve shore got ugly tits.”

A young guy was in between the sheets with a married woman when they heard the front door open.

“It’s my husband,” the woman said as she jumped out of the bed and pulled on a dress. “Here start ironing these,” and she tossed him a pile of shirts.

A moment later the husband walked in and asked why a strange man was ironing the shirts.

She told him that he was the new housekeeper.

For some inexplicable reason the husband accepted this bizarre explanation and went about his business.

The poor bloke stayed and finished the shirts, then walked down the street to catch the bus.

He couldn’t help but talk about what just happened to the man waiting next to him.

The man looked at him and said,”Are you talking about that nice looking brunette who lives in the two story brick job a couple blocks down on the corner?”

“Why yes I am. Do you know her?”

“Know her?” he said. “I’m the guy who washed those damned shirts!”

After nearly a year at sea, a sailor came ashore, got drunk, and ran to a brothel.

The old madam said, “All my girls are busy, but I’ll take care of you.”

The sailor conceded, “I’m desperate, so you’ll do.”

They went into a room, and after a while, the madam said, “I may have winter in my hair, but I’ve got summer in my heart.”

To which the sailor replied, “Yeah, but if you don’t get a little more spring in your ass, we’re going to be here till fall.”

A concerned coworker asked, “John, what’s wrong? You seem really upset.”

“Well,” replied John, “apparently my wife’s been cheating on me.”

“With who?” asked the coworker.

“My next door neighbor,” replied John.

“Of all the low down dirty things!” exclaimed the coworker.

“Yeah,” said John, “and if you think I’m upset, you should’ve heard how upset my neighbor’s husband was.”

Little Jimmy had become a real nuisance while the men tried to concentrate on their Saturday afternoon poker game.

His father tried in every way he could to get Jimmy to occupy himself, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

The players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game.

At this point, the boy’s uncle stood up, took Jimmy by the hand, and led him out of the room.

The uncle returned in a short time without Jimmy and without comment. The game resumed. For the balance of the afternoon, there was no trouble from Jimmy.

After the game had ended and the players were settling their wins and losses. One of the men asked Jimmy’s uncle, “What in the world did you do to Jimmy?”

“Not much,” the boy’s uncle replied. “I just showed him how to jerk off.”

A teenage granddaughter came downstairs for her date wearing a see-through blouse and no bra.

Her grandmother pitched a fit and told her not to dare go out like that!

The teenager flippantly replied, “Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!”

And out she went.

The next day the teenager came down stairs, and the grandmother was sitting there with no top on.

The teenager wanted to die.

She explained to her grandmother that she had friends coming over and that it was just not appropriate.

The grandmother said, “Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, then I can display my hanging baskets.”

James walked into a bar, ordered up a beer, and noticed that the patrons were holding slips of paper with numbers written on them, and periodically numbers were being called over a PA system.

James asked the bartender “What’s going on?”

The bartender breaks it down saying, “It’s a beer lottery. Basically when you order a drink, you get a number. If your number gets called, you get to go in the back and get laid!”

“That sounds like a bunch of silly nonsense to me!” declared James.

A few stools down, a drunk listening in blurted out, “It’s not nonsense! My wife’s number has been called 3 times in the past hour!”

An older couple was lying in bed one night.

The husband was falling asleep, but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily, he reached across, held her hand for a second, then tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.”

Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the sheets and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To get my teeth!”