Category Archives: Jokes

Editor’s note: The Ginger Jokes series has been our most popular.
We have two other pages you may also like to see:
Ginger Jokes
More Ginger Jokes
(These links will also be available at the bottom of page for your convenience.)

Jokes about Gingers: Completely unacceptable… unless they’re funny.

Driving conditions were awful today in downtown London, and a Ginger was run over in the late afternoon!
Citizens spent several hours pushing him into oncoming traffic before someone finally got the sucker!

Why did the Ginger’s boyfriend keep crawling back to her?
She kept stealing his wheelchair.

A Blonde, a Brunette, and a Ginger die in a plane crash and go up to Heaven’s gates together.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who says: “Sorry, it’s crowded up here, you need to answer a question correctly, or else you can’t get in.”

He looks at the Blonde, and asks her: “What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” the Blonde replies, “the Titanic.”

St. Peter lets her into Heaven.

Next he turns to the Brunette, “How many people died on that ship?” he asks.

“Oooh, that’s tough, but I saw the movie, and I think it was about 1,500.”

St. Peter says, “That’s close enough,” and the Brunette walks into Heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turns to the Ginger and says: “Name them.”

What do you call a Ginger getting an abortion?
A crime stopper.

Two gingers drove off a cliff in a Vauxhall Zafira.
The police called it “a terrible tragedy”, as the car could have seated 7.

What do you throw a Ginger drowning in quicksand?
His wife and kids.

What would a ginger feel while fatally shooting her husband?
The recoil.

Three teenage girls, one blonde, one brunette, and one ginger were driving along when they had a terrible accident and died. They were all sent to heaven.

At the gates, they met St. Peter. He said to them, “Welcome to Heaven. There is only one rule here, don’t step on the ducks, don’t bother them, just leave them alone. If you do bother them in any way you will be handcuffed to the ugliest guy in Heaven for all eternity.”

The blonde teen thought that this was rather funny and started laughing. Before she knew it there was a loud “QUACK!” She had carelessly stepped on a duck and was handcuffed to the ugliest guy in heaven.

As fate would have it the brunette got careless and stepped on a duck the very next day. She was immediately handcuffed to the second ugliest guy in Heaven.

The two girls sat moping at the fact that they were chained to these people for eternity.

The next day they saw their ginger friend. She was handcuffed to the most gorgeous guy they had ever seen. She looked at them with an angry fire in her eyes and said, “He stepped on a duck.”

What’s the difference between a bowling ball and a ginger?
If you had to, you could eat a bowling ball.

What’s the difference between a ginger and a lawyer?
There’s some things even a lawyer won’t do to people.

How can you tell when a blond is satisfied in bed?
Who cares?

How can you tell when a ginger is satisfied?
She unties you

What was the most unbelievable amazing magical power demonstrated in the Harry Potter movies?
A ginger boy with two friends.

What do ginger kids have to look forward to later in life?
Going gray.

What does a ginger and a refrigerator have in common?
They’re both cold and have no soul.

What do you call it when a ginger’s phone rings on a Saturday night?
A wrong number.

Winter time reminder:
Paint your rocks white in case the Gingers next door have a snowball fight!

Two gingers are in a car. Who is driving?
The constable.

What’s the difference between a ginger and a Styrofoam cup?
Burning Styrofoam is bad for the earth.

What’s the difference between a ginger and a freezer?
A freezer doesn’t fart when you pull your meat out of it.

What’s the difference between a ginger and a snake?
One is an evil, cold-blooded, venomous, slimy creature of Satan, and the other is a snake.

What’s the difference between a ginger and roadkill?
There are skid marks in front of the roadkill.

How do you save a ginger from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.

You have a gun with two bullets, and you find yourself in an elevator with a deadly viper, a serial killer, and a ginger. What should you do?
Shoot the ginger twice.

Why do gingers smell so bad?
So the blind can hate them too.

What’s the difference between the Loch Ness monster and an attractive ginger?
They have pictures of Nessie.

What did the ginger make for dinner?
Reservations for one.

What’s red and white and peels?
A ginger trying to tan.

How do you get a ginger to start an argument?
Say something to them.

Two  sailors on shore leave, walking down the street. They spot a blonde. First sailor asks his friend “Have you ever slept with a blonde?”

Second sailor replies that he has. They walk on further and see a brunette.

“Have you ever slept with a brunette?”

“Why yes, in fact I’ve slept with brunettes on many occasions”

They walk on a little further, and see a ginger.

“Have you ever slept with a redhead then?”

His companion looks at him and replies “Not a wink!”

Why was the ginger angry with the manager of the hardware store?
Her smoke detector didn’t come with a snooze button.

Thanks for stopping by, but there’s more to Flush Twice than just “Ginger Jokes”.
Please be sure to check out all of our other jokes and comics!

We have two other pages you may also like to see:
Ginger Jokes
More Ginger Jokes

Later Years’ Lunch

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn’t miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn’t let up for a single minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card!”

Geezer Gas Up

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station.

Attendant: How may I help you?

Old Man: Please fill it up.

Old Lady: What did he say?

Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

Attendant: So, where are you heading?

Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.

Old Lady: What did he say?

Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we’re going. I told him we’re going to see the Grand kids.

Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.

Old Man: Yes, it’s been quite pleasant.

Old Lady: What did he say?

Old Man: He said its good weather.

Attendant: Where are you coming from?

Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.

Old Lady: What did he say?

Old Man: He asked where we’re from, and I said Pittsburgh.

Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn’t shut up and was lousy in bed.

Old lady: What did he say?

Old Man: He says he knows you!

Seriously, I installed some tracking software, and this is where we are at this moment. While I do maintain this site mainly because I get some personal enjoyment out of it, it also makes me feel good when other people stop by to see what I’ve been working on. In other words: Thanks for stopping by!

On a side note, I just want to mention that Flush Twice has actually been moving up in its rankings. While you may note a bit of a dip around the 10th and 11th, keep in mind that I only update on Saturday’s and that would be the 5th and the 12th. I was thinking about doing some non-canonical stuff during the rest of the week, but that would screw up the whole format of the site. I think I’ll just stick to the same old, same old.

Have you ever noticed that teenagers are a lot like cats?

• Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.
• No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane.
• All of your efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.
• You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
• Even if you tell jokes as well as Robin Williams, neither cats nor teens will ever crack a smile.
• No cat or teenager shares you taste in music.
• Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.
• Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.
• Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating a sense of complete and utter boredom.
• Cats and teenagers do not improve anyone’s furniture.
• Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Editor’s note: The Ginger Jokes series has been our most popular.
We have two other pages you may also like to see:
Ginger Jokes
Ginger Jokes Part III

Ginger Baby

A father-to-be paces up and down the corridors of the maternity unit when the midwife suddenly bursts through the doors of the delivery room.

“Your baby has been delivered sir, but I’m afraid theres some good news and bad news”. “oh my god” says the father, “whats the bad news?”

Well im afraid your baby has been born ginger” says the midwife, “bloody hell!!” screams the father in horror, “what the hell can the good news possibly be then!!”

“well fortunately sir” explains the delighted midwife “your child was also born dead!”

Ginger Bet

A ginger and a blonde met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.

The ginger bet the blonde $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the blonde replied, “I’ll take that bet!” Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the ginger gave the blonde the $50.

The blonde said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”.

The ginger said “No. A bet’s a bet”.

So the blonde said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money”.

“Well, so did I”, said the ginger, “but I never thought he’d jump again!”

Ginger  Jamborie

What do a redhead and a freezer have in common?
They’ve both got ice on the inside.

How can two redheads become invisible in a crowd of three?
When they’re with a blonde.

Why do redheads take the pill?
Wishful thinking.

What do you call a good looking man with a redhead?
A hostage.

What do you call a redhead with large breasts?
A mutant.

What do you call a redhead with a blond on either side?
An interpreter.

Why was the first football pitch sketched out on a redhead’s chest?
They needed a level playing field.

Why are redheads flat chested?
It makes it easier to read their T- shirts.

What’s the difference between a redhead and a jelly?
A jelly wobbles when you eat it.

How can you tell when a redhead’s been using a computer?
There are lipstick marks on the screen.

What do you call a redhead whose phone rings on Saturday night?
Shocked.

What do redheads miss most about a great party?
The invitation.

How many gingers does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they prefer to sit in the dark.

We have two other pages you may also like to see:
Ginger Jokes
Ginger Jokes Part III

Thanksgiving in the USA  is Thursday, November 26 this year. Here’s a few common phrases you will probably hear during the festivities (that would likely get you slapped otherwise).

1. Talk about a huge breast

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It’s cool whip time.

4. If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst.

5. That’s one terrific spread.

6. I’m in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It’s a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you’ll get some.

10. Don’t play with your meat.

11 Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you will be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn’t expect everyone to come at once.

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn’t think I could handle all of that!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
A. He’s all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?
A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?
A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?
A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A. They’re trying to get away from the noise.

Q. What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?
A. They both circle Uranus looking for Black Holes.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?
A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What’s the definition of mixed emotions?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A. Because if it had four doors it’s be a chicken sedan.

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?
A. Ground beef.

Q. What’s the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear about the new “divorced” Barbie doll that they’re selling in stores now?
A. It comes with all of Ken’s stuff.

Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?
A. A beer and a mop.

AQ. What’s a hindu?
A. Lays eggs.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?
A. About two – if they’re thinly sliced.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?
A. Clever Dick

Q. What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche?
A. The porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?
A. Three – his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q. Why did the leper crash his car?
A. He left his foot on the accelerator.

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?
A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?
A. Swim!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?
A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the Leper go back into the shower?
A. He forgot his Head and Shoulders.

Q. What do you get when a Leper takes a bath?
A. Soup.

Q. Why did the ref call a penalty during the Leper Hockey game?
A. Because there was a face off in the corner.

Q. What is Osama bin Laden’s idea of safe sex?
A. Marking the camels that kick.

Q. What should Kabul get for its air defense system?
A. A refund.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?
A. The koala forgot to let go.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?
A. Don’t ask her out again.

Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.

Q. What’s the difference between a woman and a computer?
A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.

Q. Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
A. Still no eye deer.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no sexual organs?
A. Still no fucking eye deer.

Q. Why are women like condoms?
A. They spend 90% of their time in your wallet, and 10% on your dick.

Q. What can a lifesaver do for a woman a man can’t?
A. Come in five different flavors.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?
A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?
A. Yeah. They’re going to call it FED UP!

Q. What’s the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?
A. The car salesman can probably drive!

Q. Did you hear about the guy who’s a dyslexic-bulimic?
A. He eats, and then he sticks his finger up his ass.

Q. What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
A. They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

God was just about done creating humans but He had two parts left over.

He couldn’t decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might as well just ask them.

He told them one of the things he had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.

“It’s a very handy thing,” God told them, “and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it.”

Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, “Oh, please give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!” On and on he went like an excited little boy.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.

Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place – first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump from ten feet away – laughing with delight all the while.

God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, “Well, I guess you’re kind of stuck with the last thing I have left.”

What’s it called asked Eve.

And God replied, “Brains”.

Editor’s note: The Ginger Jokes series has been our most popular.
We have two other pages you may also like to see:
More Ginger Jokes
Ginger Jokes Part III

What’s a redhead’s idea of the shortest way to a
man’s heart? Through the breastbone.

What is the difference between a redhead and a
terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What do you call a woman who knows where her
husband is every night? A redhead!

What’s safer: a redhead or a piranha?
The piranha. They only attack in schools.

How do you get a redhead’s mood to change?
Wait 10 seconds.

What do you call a Redhead with an attitude?
Normal.

Only two things are necessary to keep a redhead
happy. One is to let her think she is having her
own way, and the other is to let her have it.

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there’s a “peel and win” sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels it off and starts screaming,”I’ve won a motorhome!  I’ve won a motorhome!”

The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch!”

But the blonde keeps on screaming, “I’ve won a motorhome!  I’ve won a motorhome!”

Finally, the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken.  You couldn’t have possibly won a motorhome because we didn’t have that as a prize.

The blonde says, “No, it’s not a mistake.  I’ve won a motorhome!”  And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads . . .

W I N A B A G E L

A farmer walked into a drug store and said to the Pharmacist, “I want me one of them thar condoms with pesticides on it. Where do I find ’em?”

The pharmacist replied, “Oh sir, you must mean that you want the condoms with SPERMICIDE, not pesticide. They’re on aisle 4.”

“No, no, I want me them thar condoms with PESTICIDE on it,” growled the farmer.

“Sir,” said the pharmacist, exasperated from explaining, “PESTICIDE is for killing insects, SPERMICIDE is for killing sperm. I’m sure that you mean spermicide instead of pesticide.”

“Listen here, ” argued the farmer, “I want condoms with PESTICIDE on them. My wife’s got a bug up her ass, and I aim to kill it!”

Sex Jokes

Note: These have all been around for a while, and I have no citations as to whether they are correctly attributed, but I thought these would be fun.

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
Lynn Lavner

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
Camille Paglia

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation.
The other eight are unimportant.”
George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”
Sharon Stone

“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
Jack Nicholson

“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor)

“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
Robin Williams

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.”
Billy Crystal

“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.”
Robert De Niro

“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
Dustin Hoffman

“There’s very little advice in men’s magazines because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked !'”
Jerry Seinfeld

“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
Robin Williams

“It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.”
Joan Rivers

“Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.”
Steve Martin

“You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.”
Elmo Phillips

“Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”
Oscar Wilde

“It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”
George Burns