Category Archives: Jokes

A pastor was doing his children’s sermon bringing all the youngsters down front to hear the lesson.  He was discussing the story of Jonah.

He began by quoting the scriptures from Jonah 1 and 2:

“And the Lord appointed a great fish to swallow up Jonah; and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights. Then Jonah prayed to the Lord his God from the belly of the fish, saying ‘I called to the Lord our of my distress and He answered me.’ And the Lord spoke to the fish, and it vomited out Jonah upon the dry land” (Jonah 117; 22, 10).

When the pastor finished the quotation, he began soliciting feedback from the youngsters to help him complete this sermon.

He asked, “What does the fish vomiting Jonah out on dry land indicate to us today?”

One of the youngsters spoke with great enthusiasm, and loud enough for the entire congregation to hear, “It proves that even a fish can’t stomach a bad preacher!”

Railroad tracks. A simple thing we take for granted. Wait till you see how one thing leads to another… The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches.

That’s an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in  England, and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that?

Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that’s the gauge they used.

Why did ‘they’ use that gauge then?

Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing?

Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in  England, because that’s the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads?

Imperial  Rome  built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads?

Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.
Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.

Bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a Specification/ Procedure/ Process and wonder “What horse’s ass came up with this?” you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horses’ asses.)

Now, the twist to the story:

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB’s. The SRB’s are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah. The engineers who designed the SRB’s would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB’s had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB’s had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as
you now know, is about as wide as two horses’ behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world’s most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse’s ass.

And I bet you thought being a horse’s ass wasn’t important!

I became confused when I heard these terms which reference the word “service”.

Internal Revenue “Service”

U.S. Postal “Service”

Telephone “Service”

T.V. “Service”

Civil “Service”

City & County Public “Service”

Customer “Service”

and “Service” Stations

This is not what I thought “service” meant.

Today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a bull to “service” a few cows. BAM! It all came into perspective. I now understand what all those “service” agencies are doing to us.

I hope you are now as enlightened as I am!

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

“Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, “Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”

“I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”

A little old guy is walking around in a supermarket calling out, “Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!”

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, “Sir, the Crisco is in aisle 3.”

The old guy replies, “Oh, I’m not looking for the cooking stuff. I’m calling my wife. She’s in here somewhere.”

The clerk is astonished. “Your wife’s name is Crisco?”

The old guy answers, “Oh no, no, no. I only call her that when we’re out in public.”

“I see,” said the clerk. “What do you call her at home?”

“Lard ass.”

Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as the plate was being passed he said…

“Brothers and Sisters, I don’t like to have to do this, but there is a man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner’s wife, and if there is not at least twenty dollar bills in the collection, I will reveal his name.

Later, as he counted the money he found 50 twenty dollar bills, and a two dollar bill with a note that read “Forever hold your peace, I’ll have that other eighteen dollars before sundown.

Little Beverly returned home from school and told her mother that the boys keep asking her to do cartwheels because she’s very good at them.

The mother said, “YOU should say ‘NO’! They only want to look at your undies”.

Beverly replied “I know they do. That’s why I hide them in my backpack!”

As everyone knows, Farrah Fawcette passed away. St. Peter immediately recognized her and said, “For being such a wonderful person, you are entitled to one wish to leave behind as your legacy to the world.”

Farrah replied, “I wish to save all the children in the world!”

And so, Micheal Jackson died.

So they’ve reviewed the autopsy again and determined what really killed Micheal Jackson. Apparently it was food poisoning.

Apparently he had been eating twelve year old nuts.

Update: McDonald’s just announced their new sandwich to commemorate Micheal Jackson! It’s 50 year old meat between 10 year old buns.

So in case anyone was wondering what is to become of Micheal Jackson’s remains, the family decided to go green. They took all the plastic  out of him to be recycled into Legos so children will be able to play with him!

A city slicker went to the country to buy a pig. When he approached the pig farmer, he asked
for a 25 pound pig. The pig farmer put the pig’s tail in his mouth and bobbed his head up and down. He then told the city slicker that the pig was too heavy – it was 30 pounds.

The city slicker told the farmer he didn’t believe that was the way to weigh pigs.

The farmer called his son over and asked him to weigh the pig. The son put the pig’s tail in his mouth, bobbed his head a couple of times and said the pig weighed 30 pounds.

The city slicker said the farmer and his son were putting him on. The farmer told his son to go get his mother and have her come out and weigh the pig.

The son went into the house and after a few minutes came out telling the father that the mother was busy weighing the mailman.

Actually there are not any “Lawyer Jokes”. Our legal counsel has indicated they are true stories.