Category Archives: Jokes

So who here wants to play a game of rape?
No? That’s the spirit!

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today.
Unfortunately, it’s only for victims.

If you have sex with a prostitute without her permission, is it rape… or shoplifting?

Yesterday, I told my coworker a joke about rape and he said, “If you think making jokes about rape is funny then you’re wrong. My wife got raped and trust me, it’s not funny.”
Feeling slightly ashamed, I said, “Sorry. When did this happen?”
“Last week,” he replied.
I paused for a moment and asked, “Behind the bus station?”
He said, “Yeah. Why?”
“Er… no reason.”

When people ask me what I do, I tell them I test rape alarms.
It sounds better than saying I’m a rapist.

Two white guys were walking past a Police Station.
A big poster at the front reads “Two black men wanted for rape!”
One guy turns to the other and says “Those bastards always get the best jobs”.

Me and six friends were sitting in a room; we got onto the subject of rape.
The only girl in the room said, “I’ve often wondered if I’m strong enough to stop someone trying to rape me.”
Turns out she’s not.

How do you stop a rape?
SAY YES!

What has eight legs and makes women scream?
Gang rape!

I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to hear my latest rape joke.
She said no, but I just went ahead and told her anyway.

In an argument with my girlfriend yesterday, she shouted at me:
“Stop making jokes about rape! How do you think the women feel?
“Depends on the girth,” was probably not the best response.

A woman runs into a police station shouting, “Grape! Grape!”
The cop says, “Don’t you mean rape, ma’am?”
The woman says, “No, there were bunch of them!”

Last night I stopped a woman in the park and said, “Give me your purse before I rape you.”
She instantly handed me her purse and said, “Take it.”
I said, “Thanks for co-operating, sometimes after I’ve raped a woman I feel guilty about taking her purse.”

If you ever want to get away with rape, simply hire a wolf outfit from a fancy dress shop.
On the first night tap on a young girl’s window, and before her parents come, run away and hide.
On the second night, repeat.
On the third night, STRIKE – no one will ever believe her.

I am a male prostitute.
I say that, but really I just rape women and steal their money.

What do you do after you rape a 12 year old deaf dumb and blind girl?
Brake her fingers so she cant tell her mom.

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you.” To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!”

A trio of old veterans were bragging about the heroic exploits of their ancestors one afternoon down at the VFW hall. “My great grandfather, at age 13,” one declared proudly, “was a drummer boy at Shiloh.”

“Mine,” boasts another, “went down with Custer at the Battle of Little Big Horn.”

“I’m the only soldier in my family,” confessed vet number three, “but if my great grandfather was living today he’d be the most famous man in the world.”

“Really? What’d he do?” his friends wanted to know. “Nothing much. But he would be 165 years old.”

True story! My contract is up, and I’m finally leaving the military. I’ve met a lot of really excellent people during my time as a soldier. Here is a short list of the things my Officers and NCO’s have had to say about me:

• I would not breed from this soldier.
• This soldier is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t-be.
• When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
• He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
• He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
• Technically sound, but socially impossible.
• This soldier reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
• This soldier has delusions of adequacy.
• Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
• He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
• He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
• This soldier should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.
• Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
• This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

I’m going to miss the Army! :.-)

A wife is going into labor at the hospital with her husband close by. The doctors comes in and says “we have a brand new device just invented by world class scientists that allows the father of a child to take some of the mother’s pain while she’s giving birth.”

The doctor asks if the husband is interested and he replies, “I would like to be the first to use this device. I want my wife to be as comfortable as possible.”

The wife’s labor intensifies and she begins to writhe in distress, so the husband asks for 20% of the pain. The doctor hooks up the device and amazingly the wife becomes more calm and the writhing stops. The husband says, “Wow this is nothing doc I can take more, go ahead and crank it up to 50%, I want my wife to be even more comfortable.”

So the doctor accepts his request and gives the husband half of the pain. Almost instantly the wife stops crying out in pain and is giving birth in near silence. The husband is satisfied but notices she is still in some pain so he says, “I can’t go on seeing her uncomfortable, go ahead and give me 100% I can take it.”

The doctor reluctantly agrees and transfers all the the wife’s pain to the husband. The husband is once again unimpressed by the pain and says, ” Wow this is nothing. I knew women exaggerated childbirth, I hardly feel anything.”

Not long after the couple gives birth to a baby boy. They stay overnight for tests and are released from the hospital the next day. They arrive home with their new bundle of joy and find the mailman dead on the front porch.

A man walks into the welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, “You know, I hate drawing welfare. I’d really rather have a job.”

The social worker behind the counter said, “Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You’ll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

“Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You’ll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20’s and has a rather strong sex drive.”

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, “You’re bullshittin’ me!”

The social worker said, “Yeah, well … You started it.”

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, “Three million dollars.”

The accounts person is startled, and says, “In what form?”

The little old lady says, “Cash. I’ve got it here in this bag…” and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally. Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money. She says, “Gambling.”

“Gambling?”, he says. “What sort of gambling?” “Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I’ve got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I’ll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you’d be willing to wager on that?”

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn’t get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. “I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn’t feel right taking it from you…there’s no way you can win a bet like that!”

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, “I know what I’m doing…and I can afford to lose, though I’m not going to. Is it a bet?”

“OK, have it your way”, said the president, and they shook hands on it.

“See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning”, said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president’s office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He’d gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal. When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won. “Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?” said the president.

“He’s my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?”

“No, perfectly understandable”, said the president. “Well, it’s now noon, and I’m still unchanged, so I guess I win!” he said happily.

“Not so fast!” said the little old lady. “For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants.”

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he’d want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question. “OK, you win, here’s your $100,000,” says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

“What’s wrong with him?” asks the bank president.

“Oh, he’s just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today.”

Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day, when they pass by a pub. The first guy says “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy, says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.”

He goes up to the pub, and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman says, “Ok then, come on in.”

The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the pub, and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing-eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing-eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second, and exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

All the passengers are seated on a plane out on the tarmac and the stewardess announces “we’re just waiting for the pilots.”.

The passengers look out the window and see two men, dressed as pilots walking towards the plane. Both men are using guide dogs and appear to be blind. There are murmurs among the passengers, and some believe it is a joke. The men board the plane and go into the cockpit. More concerned murmurs and uneasy chuckles from the passengers.

The plane taxis normally to the runway and begins it’s takeoff. As passengers look out the window they realize they are nearing the end of the runway. The entire passenger cabin begins screaming but the plane lifts off just before the end of the runway. The passengers calm down and chuckle to themselves.

In the cockpit, the pilot turns to his copilot and says “you know, one day those people are gonna scream too late and we’re all gonna die!”

Q: “Why did the little girl drop her ice cream?”

A: “Because she got hit by a bus

Q: Why can’t Helen Keller drive?

A: She’s dead.

Q: “Why did Hitler not drink Tequila?”

A: “Because it made him mean.”

Q: “What’s green and pecks on trees?”

A: “Woody the Wood Pickle.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No-eye deer.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

A: Still, no-eye deer

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no reproductive organs?

A: Still, no fucking eye deer.

Q: “What do you call a slow moving poop?”

A: “A turdle.”

Q: What animal can jump higher than a mountain?

A: All of them! Mountains can’t jump!

Q: Why did the quarter go so high when it was flipped

A: Because it has an eagle on the back.

Q: In which month do people talk the least?

A: February, because it is the shortest month.

Q: What is the last thing through a bugs mind when struck by a car?

A: His asshole.

Q: “What’s red and hurts your teeth?”

A: “A brick!”

A six year-old girl walks into the bathroom as her dad is getting out of the shower.

“Daddy, what’s that?” she asks, pointing up.

“Well, it’s a penis” he replies.

“A penis? When am I going to get one of those?”

“Just as soon as your mother leaves for work.”

Guy picks up a hooker and once at the hotel, starts to fuck. He screams in agony as he pulls his cock out. “What the fuck…” he say “it feels like fucking two rocks”.

The hooker stands up “Oh I am so sorry..” and goes to the bathroom. She comes back and lays on the bed “Try that again Sugar” she says.

He does and it is the smoothest warmest pussy he has ever felt. While dressing he asks “That was a rough start but damn it was incredible. What did you do?”

She smiled and replied “I just picked the scabs.”

A man goes to his best friend’s house to watch the hockey game. At the end of the first period the man says to his friend, “You know, we’ve been friends for a long time and I’ve always wanted to tell you this, but I really want to fuck your wife.”

The friend thinks for a moment before replying, “Ok. You can fuck my wife, but promise me one thing. You MUST NOT go down on her.”

The man says ok, goes upstairs and fucks his friend’s wife, but no matter how hard he tries, he can’t resist the urge to go down on her. He comes back just as the second period is starting and says to his friend, “Man, I’m really sorry, but I couldn’t resist the urge to go down on your wife. The weirdest thing happened when I did it though… I got a mouth full of rice.”

The friend laughs and says, “That wasn’t rice, she’s been dead for a month!”

So you thought that wasn’t bad enough?

An ugly man walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.

“What are you so happy about?” asks the barman.

“Well, I’ll tell you,” replies the ugly man. “You know I live by the railway? Well, on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks like in the films. I ran over, cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short I scored big time. We screwed all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top.”

“Fantastic!” exclaimed the barman. “You lucky sod. Was she pretty?”

“Dunno,” replied the man. “Never found the head!”