True story! My contract is up, and I’m finally leaving the military. I’ve met a lot of really excellent people during my time as a soldier. Here is a short list of the things my Officers and NCO’s have had to say about me:
I would not breed from this soldier.
This soldier is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t-be.
When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
He would be out of his depth in a puddle.
Technically sound, but socially impossible.
This soldier reminds me very much of a gyroscope – always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
This soldier has delusions of adequacy.
Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
This soldier should go far – and the sooner he starts, the better.
Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
When Grace started having problems, her first symptom was peeing on the carpet. The vet said it was behavioral, but this isn't about that. This is about what I did to protect the carpet. I went to Menards and purchased an 8 x 12 section of sheet vinyl marked for clearance. It was an ugly dark hardwood pattern that I laid it down over top of the living room carpet. It covered most of the living room, and when Grace peed on it, I could easily just wipe the puddle up.
As ugly as that dark color was, I had to admire the quality of the vinyl floor and started to consider replacing the carpet with a much lighter pattern. Of course this seemed like way more work than I wanted to do, so that idea hit the back burner. Fast forward, Grace is gone, and Gail is pissing on everything not covered by the vinyl. At this point I have to concede that the carpet was way past its prime, and there is no bringing it back. I picked out the flooring at the big box store and brought it home.There is enough to do the living room, hallway, and kitchen.
So I took it down to the basement, where it still sits to this day.
OK, so this holiday weekend, I decided it was time to rip out the old carpet. I'd never done this before, so this was a new and exciting experience. I was wondering what kind of horrors lurked beneath those decrepit fibers and padding. Perhaps there would be an ominous satanic pentagram or a blood stain next to a chalk outline! No, what I found was so much worse. It was a hardwood floor in extraordinarily bad condition. It's so bad that when Gail pees on the floor, it rains in the basement. So now the pressure is really on to get that new flooring down.
Would that it were so simple.
I still have to get those blasted nail strips pulled up from around the baseboards... and then their is the piano. Did I mention I have a piano? Moving a piano on carpet is hard, but it usually doesn't hurt anything. I just saw what my piano did to the bare hardwood floor, and if I don't come up with something, it is going to seriously fuck up my new vinyl floor when I try to put the piano back.
So there you have it... If you're wondering where my inspiration went, it's currently rolled up in the logistics of rolling out vinyl.
Kudos
Of course we're rolling out five more jokes this week. You can thank Glenn and George for those jokes, but I'm still open to accepting submissions from viewers like you. You can also send me email at flush2x@gmail.com if you prefer.
“You can take a dog outside, but you can't make it pee” ― Micah Amyx
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic and a personal blog in the sidebar that updates on the weekends. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
Jokes are generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. If you would like to contribute, please check out our submission page, or e-mail flush2x@gmail.com. If you know anyone who constantly e-mails you jokes, forward them to us! We’ll take what we can get!
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It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and we make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
