A couple met at Hilton Head and fell in love.
They were discussing how they would continue the relationship after their vacations were over.
“It’s only fair to warn you, Jody,” he said. “I’m a golf nut. I live, eat, sleep and breathe golf.”
“Well, since you’re being honest, so will I,” Jody said. “I’m a hooker.”
“I see,” he said.
Then brightening, he smiled. “It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”
A wealthy man sat in his attorney’s office.
“Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer asked.
“Give me the bad news first.”
“Your wife found a picture that’s probably worth at least eight-million dollars.”
“That’s the bad news?” the man asked incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”
“It’s a picture of you with your mistress.”
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE!
“I’ve got to get this guy!” coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Super Bowl!”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” the old Muslim woman says. “You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in the world. I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
“I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!”
A science teacher wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the dangers of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
“Now, class, closely observe the worms,” said the teacher while putting a worm into the water.
The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?” the teacher asked.
Little Johnny raised his hand and responded confidently, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms.”
John came home from work to find his blonde wife dangling from a rope tied to her feet.
“What on earth are you doing?” cried John.
His wife was sobbing in tears, “I’m just not happy anymore, so I’ve decided to just end it by hanging myself.”
John was trying to be understanding as he undid the rope to let her down, but had to remark, “Well you know the rope is suppose to go around your neck.”
“I tried that,” said the blonde, “but I couldn’t breathe.”
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a coffee whereupon the parrot squawks, “And get me a whiskey, you ugly cow!”
The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whiskey for the parrot and forgets the coffee. While this omission is pointed out to her by the man, the parrot drains its glass and squawks “And get me another whiskey you low life!”
Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whiskey but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee! Go and get it now or I’ll kick your rear!”
The next moment two burly stewards grab both the man and the parrot and throw them both out of the emergency exit.
As they are plunging downwards the parrot turns to the man and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you’re a bit cheeky!”
5 year old Johnny was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, “Grandpa, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?”
His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. “Well, Johnny, it’s called sexual intercourse.”
“Oh…OK,” Johnny said, and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later Johnny came back in and said, “Grandpa, Timmy said it’s not called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds, and Timmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’
A woman living with her parents came home to find her mother and father sitting at the dining room table. On the table was the daughter’s vibrator.
The father spoke up and said, “Your mother was putting your laundry away when she found this… What is the meaning of this?”
After the daughter regained her composure from her initial embarrassment, she said, “Mom, Dad, I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband.”
A couple days later the daughter came home from work and saw her father staring at the television and drinking a beer on the couch while holding onto the daughter’s vibrator.
“Dad, what is the meaning of this?” she cried out.
The father looked at his daughter and said, “Can’t a man watch a football game with his son-in-law?”
A talented female artist painted a highly detailed picture of a big eye on the outside wall of her eye doctor’s office in appreciation for restoring her eyesight.
Many people were coming to see, and it boosted the Doctor’s business.
A news reporter arrived and asked the doctor, “Sir, what was your reaction when such an attractive picture was put on the outside wall of your clinic?”
Doctor said, “I was thinking, thank goodness I was not her gynecologist!”
Although I knew our commanding officer hated doling out weekend passes, I thought I had a good reason.
“My wife is pregnant and I want to be with her,” I told the C.O. Much to my surprise he said, “Permission granted.”
Inspired by my success, a fellow soldier also requested a weekend pass.
His wife wasn’t pregnant, so when the C.O. asked why he should grant him permission, my friend responded, “My wife is getting pregnant this weekend, and I want to be with her.”
