As a the date of the solar eclipse approached, the director of a local planetarium published a warning in the local newspaper about the eclipse, and warned the community not to look directly into the sun.
The newspaper then received an indignant letter from a local resident. “If an eclipse is so dangerous,” she reasoned, “they should never have decided to hold one in the first place and ought to cancel it!”
A couple was sitting in the living room, sipping wine.
Out of the blue, the wife remarked, “I love you!”
“Is that you or the wine talking?” asked the husband.
“It’s me,” replied the wife. “I was talking to the wine.”
At the Parent-Teacher conference, the discussion focused on little Billy’s low grades.
“As Billy’s teacher,” Mrs. Crabtree began, “I can assure you that I’ve done everything to encourage the boy to learn the material. He simply lacks the capacity to learn along side the other students.”
“This is terrible news that you’re telling us,” cried Billy’s mother. “Surely there must be something positive you can tell us about our boy.”
“I can only think of one thing,” sighed the teacher. “With grades like this, he’s obviously not cheating.”
Jeff was a philandering womanizer who habitually ran around on his wife.
One of his coworkers called him out on it and said, “Jeff, how can you live with yourself, the way you run around cheating on poor Susan? Doesn’t it bother your conscience at all?”
A look of concerned remorse befell upon Jeff’s face as he considered the callousness of his actions. He then said, “Yes, it bothers me for a while, but when I don’t hear from their lawyers, I don’t feel so bad anymore.”
The Not so Instant Pot
I was thinking about getting a rice cooker. My old microwave used to make perfect rice, but my new microwave doesn’t pull it off quite so well. I think it had something to do with the old microwave being so old it had the power output of an incandescent bulb that reacted with the magic rust on the interior to produce Krieger waves. Newer microwaves can’t begin to run that shitty.
My old recipe was a couple cups of rice, three cups of water, a couple tablespoons of oil, a tablespoon of powered chicken bouillon, a teaspoon of garlic powder, a chopped onion. a couple cups of frozen peas and carrots, a can of sliced mushrooms, and a finely diced boneless/skinless chicken breast. Stir it up in a very large glass mixing bowl, and nuke it for about 30 minutes. On my old microwave, it worked perfectly every time, but I would advise you not to try this at home as my new microwave doesn’t yield the same results.
That’s when I started thinking about getting a rice cooker. After much hem hawing, I ended up with a $44 Instant Pot Duo Mini from Amazon, and the first thing I did was use it to make plain white rice. The fact that following all the instructions was a bit more complicated than making babies didn’t phase me. No, the part that shook me was that all the hype about cooking a meal in 5 minutes was total horseshit.
So yeah… You set the “timer” for 4 minutes, but that puppy doesn’t kick in until the damn thing gets up to temp… and that takes nearly 20 minutes. Even after the timer stops cooking, you still have to let it sit for another 15 to 20. Ultimately it took around 40 minutes to cook a cup of rice. I could have cooked it on my stovetop in far less time.
But to be fair, it was really good rice.
I’ve since adapted my old microwave rice recipe to the Instant Pot. Everything is the same, but only use 2 cups of water instead of 3, because you don’t have to take the evaporation into account. It comes out perfect every time, and it makes a ton of fluffy delicious rice in about 45 minutes.
And that’s about all I’ve done with the damn thing.
Kudos
OK, so you know how this next part goes. Thanks, George and Glenn… although I did have to steal a couple of jokes from the net to fill out all five days. As you know, we have our submission page if anyone would like to help out, and my email is still flush2x@gmail.com, if you’d care to send jokes that way instead.
If you are reading this, it means you are blessed, and great fortune will soon find you.
Pax,
-f2x
Two rednecks decided to go skydiving. The first one jumped out of the plane, and pulled the cord. After the chute deployed, he slowly drifted down while enjoying the view.
A moment later the plan circled back and his buddy jumped out. He pulled the cord, but nothing happened. He pulled the reserve, but still nothing! Now in free fall, he passed his buddy like a speeding bullet.
Seeing this, the first redneck frantically started to unbuckle his parachute, yelling, “So you wanna race, do you?!”
