A defendant was found in contempt of court and fined $200 for calling the judge a pig.
Following the charge, the defendant asked the judge, “Does this mean I cannot call a judge a pig?”
The judge sternly rebuked, “It absolutely means you may not call a judge a pig!”
“Well, can I call a pig a judge then?” asked the man.
Humoring the man, the judge replied, “I see no harm in calling a pig a judge, if you so choose.”
The man gave a wry smirk as he said, “Good day, Judge.”
Two college buddies ran into each other after many years. It turned out, one of them had actually had quite a bit of financial success, and his pal asked him how he did it.
“Well, you might think this sounds corny, but after graduation, I found God,” explained the former classmate. “After praying for guidance I opened the Bible at random, dropped my finger on a word, and the word was “oil”. Well, I invested in oil, and those oil wells gushed! A few years later I dropped my finger on another word and it was “gold”, so I invested in gold and the price soared!”
The friend was so impressed that he rushed home, grabbed his dusty old Bible off the book shelf, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes to see where his finger rested:
“Chapter Eleven.”
A little girl was sitting on her grandpa’s lap studying the wrinkles on his old but kindly face. She gently ran her fingers over the wrinkles before touching her own face.
With a look of wonder and puzzlement, the granddaughter asked, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“He sure did honey, but that was a long time ago,” replied her smiling grandpa.
“Well, did God make me?” asked the girl.
“Yes, He did. About 5 years ago in fact,” answered her grandpa.
“Boy,” marveled the little girl, “He sure is doing a much better job these days, isn’t He?”
After years of scrimping and saving, Harold told his wife the good news: “Honey, we’ve finally saved enough money to buy what we started saving for back in 1999.”
“You mean a brand-new Cadillac?” she asked eagerly.
“No,” said Harold sadly, “a 1999 Cadillac.”
Gail is Growing
You know, I’m not really a big fan of puppies. The best part about puppies is that they grow up to be dogs. The dog is where it’s at. The puppy is this cute but highly annoying stage in a dog’s life, so as I see Gail getting bigger, you can bet I’m thrilled and relieved that months from now I’m going to have an amazing Labrador that I can take places and do things with, because my dog will know how to act.
But I know some people just like puppies, so here she is in all her maximum cuteness, forever immortalized in a GIF of her barking.
And now she wears a “bark collar” so that shit ain’t gonna happen no more.
I love my dog, but I’m not above using every dirty trick in the book to make sure she turns out right.
Kudos
Speaking of dirty tricks, this weeks jokes are brought to you by Glenn and George. See if you can spot the difference. Better yet, send in a joke you heard to our submission page for a chance to see me mention your name or alias right here in this space next week. You can also send it to flush2x@gmail.com if you feel so inclined as well.
To err is human. Forgiveness is not our policy.
Pax,
-f2x
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. One evening the man realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early morning business flight for an out of state conference.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he wrote on a piece of paper, “Please wake me at 5:00 am.”
The next morning the man woke up to discover it was after 9:00am, and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife did not wake him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
It said: “It is 5:00am; wake up.”
A preacher went into a bar and said, “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.”
Everybody stood up except for one lonely drunk in the corner.
The preacher approached the man and said, “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?”
“When I die? Sure,” replied the drunk. “I thought you were taking a load up now.”
Janet asked her husband, “Which do you like most about me? My pretty face or my sexy body?”
Tom looked at her from head to toe and replied, “I like your sense of humor.”
The farm hand was walking past the barn when he heard some romantic music playing. Being curious, he looked inside to see the farmer dancing really slow while slipping one suspender off his shoulder and down his arm. As he removed the other suspender from his other shoulder, the farm hand realized that the farmer was doing a strip tease in front of his John Deere.
He asked, “Bubba, what in the world are you doing?”
The farmer said, “Well, Earl, I went to the doctor this morning and told him that me and the wife has been having trouble with our relationship. He told me that when I got home I should get cleaned up, put on some soft music, then do something sexy to a tractor.”
