Several women appeared in court. Each one was accusing the others of causing trouble in the apartment building where they lived.
Their cackling and bickering filled the courtroom until the judge was forced to use his gavel. With Solomon-like wisdom, the judge stated, “I’ll hear from the oldest woman first.”
After a prolonged silence, the case was dismissed.
A bear walked into a bar, held out a twenty, and ordered a martini. Without batting an eye, the bartender took the twenty, mixed and poured the drink, set it in front of the bear, and handed the bear a few coins in change.
After a few minutes, the bartender remarked, “You know, I think you are the first bear I’ve ever seen in this bar!”
The bear looked at the change in his paw and said, “And at these prices, I’ll be the last bear you’ll ever see in this bar too.”
Justin crawled into the police station pleading for help. The officers on duty immediately tried to administer first aide, but could find no apparent injury. They helped him into an office, sat him down in a chair, and asked him what happened.
“My wife tried to kill me…” he stammered as one of the officers began taking notes. “We were sitting in the living room, talking about what to do if the unthinkable ever happened. I told her, ‘Dear, I don’t want to be kept alive on machines and liquids. If you see me in a vegetative state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive.'”
Justin continued, “It was then that my wife got up from the sofa and proceeded to disconnect the TV, the Cable,
the DVD player, my computer, and my Xbox. If that wasn’t bad enough, she went into the fridge and tossed out all of my beer!”
Canine Quintessence
So today’s problem is that Gail seems to lack any inkling of empathy. Sure, to outside observers she seems adorable, but behind those cute puppy eyes, I get the feeling that there’s no one actually there.
To contrast with Grace, I could feel the presence of another soul, as in literally feel it. This might sound a little crazy, even a little macabre, but hear me out.
As I held on to Grace during her euthanasia, I felt her presence leaving after the first injection and said so out loud. The vet then informed me that she was in fact dying at that very moment. He told me the first injection was actually lethal, and that even if he did nothing else, she would still die, but it would just take longer. The second injection is used to get it over with and immediately stop the heart.
It was a shitty time to learn that little bit of trivia, but I digress.
The point is, I can feel that presence… that ghost inside. It’s something that is real. You can feel it when you hug someone verses hugging a pillow. It’s not just their pulse, their warmth, and the rise and fall of their chest as they breath. There is something in them. I like to think it is their soul.
You know, for some reason I cannot remember a whole lot about Grace’s transition from puppy to dog. That first year was a bit of a blur, but it seemed like from the start that she was in there. I don’t get that same sense with Gail. As spunky and lively as Gail is, it’s like she’s a simulation of a dog.
I dunno… Maybe it takes time for that spark to develop. On the plus side, she continues to grow at an astonishing rate, she seems genuinely content, she eats her dog food, begs for dog treats, has endless energy to play with me and her toys, is very healthy, and has adjusted well to her new home… If only it felt like she were actually in there.
Kudos
OK, it’s the usual spiel. You can thank George and/or Glenn for this week’s jokes. Not that anyone else would ever bother, but the submission page is still there… gathering dust. I’ve also got an interesting spam collection happening with flush2x@gmail.com, but you could also send me jokes through that e-mail address as well.
Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read. – Groucho Marx
Pax,
-f2x
Morris slept with his neighbor’s wife. At first it seemed that the neighbor was none the wiser, but 9 months later when the baby arrived, it was quite apparent that things didn’t add up. The Neighbor’s wife broke down and confessed her infidelity to her husband.
Armed with the truth, the neighbor confronted Morris. “I know what you did!” he yelled at Morris, “And I’m going to make you pay for this!”
“Rubbish!” countered Morris. “Why should I have to pay twice?”
An older couple, Hubert and Valerie, had left the restaurant and were on their way home. They were only a few blocks from their house when Valerie remembered that she had accidentally left her glasses at the restaurant.
Obviously irritated, Hubert grumbled as he turned the car around and headed back to the establishment. He couldn’t help but berate his wife the whole time on their return trip. Valerie began to deeply resent his belittlement of her, simply because she forgot her glasses.
When Hubert pulled into the parking lot, Valarie got out of the car and was relieved that she was momentarily away from Hubert’s complaining.
Just then, Hubert rolled down his window and shouted, “And while you’re in there, you might as well make yourself useful and grab my credit card and hat!”
A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim, and a Jew were old friends having a discussion
after dinner.
The Catholic announced, “As you all know, I have a very large fortune, and I intend to buy out Citibank!”
The Protestant chimed in and said, “I too am very wealthy, and I’m making it my mission to buy out General Motors!”
The Muslim remarked “Well, I am a fabulously rich prince, and I have made it my intention to purchase all of Microsoft!”
The first three waited for their Jewish friend to speak.
The Jew stirred his coffee, placed the spoon neatly on the table, and took a sip. He then looked sternly at his comrades before saying, “I’m not selling.”
With only 57 days to go, Linda dragged Roger to go Christmas shopping with her at the mall. After walking from store to store for what seemed like hours, Roger quietly slipped away.
When Linda realized her husband had disappeared, she called his cell phone and angrily demanded, “Where the hell are you?”
Roger replied, “Darling, do you remember the jewelry shop where you fell in love with that diamond necklace, but we never had the money to buy it?”
Linda blushed as she smiled and said, “Yes I remember, my love.”
“Well, I’m in the bar next door to that shop.”
Mike was late coming home from school. His sister asked him what took him so long.
“I had to pick up a football for Grandma Brown’s birthday,” explained Mike.
His sister’s mouth nearly dropped to the floor. “You can’t give Grandma a football for her birthday,” she scolded. “She’s doesn’t even like football!”
Mike retorted, “Well then maybe she shouldn’t have gotten me books on my birthday!”
