Dissatisfied with online dating, an older woman visited a local matchmaker.
To get some idea of what the woman was looking for, the matchmaker asked, “So what requirements do you have for a potential mate?”
The woman thought about it for a moment and said, “Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to keep me company for the whole day at home. Tells me interesting stories when I need conversation and be silent when I want to rest.”
“I see,” remarked the matchmaker. “You need a television.”
Henry awoke the day after an office party with a splitting headache and a horrible case of cotton-mouth
Completely unable to recall the events of the night before, he made his way downstairs where his wife was making breakfast.
“What happened last night, Olivia?” moaned Henry. “Was it as bad as I think it was?”
“Worse,” scorned his wife. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You antagonized the entire board of directors, and insulted the CEO right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole anyway!” Henry snorted. “Piss on him!”
“You did,” Olivia explained, “and then he fired you.”
“Oh bloody hell!” Henry scoffed. “Fuck that guy!”
“I did,” Olivia replied. “You start back to work on Monday.”
I would really like to get an electric car. Presently I own two vehicles, a gas guzzling SUV from 2002 and a rusty sedan from 1997, neither of which is getting any prettier. Since their fuel and maintenance cost less than a car payment, I keep them.
Recently my dad disputed my assertion that when you do not factor in the price of the vehicle, EV’s (electric vehicles) were cheaper to operate than ICE (internal combustion engine) vehicles. He didn’t think that was true and that the only way to change his mind would be if he owned an EV to see for himself… a condition that could never be satisfied because he would never buy or lease an EV on principle.
It doesn’t take a lot of Googling to learn that the Kilowatt per mile costs only a tiny fraction of what even the most efficient ICE cars can achieve in miles per gallon, but that’s not good enough for my dad. He has finally walled his mind up on the matter. The subject is too political for him. All the information on the internet is “fake news” and “hoaxes”. EV’s are part of a “liberal agenda”, and that’s that!
Of course it is true that if you compare the cost of a new EV to a comparably equipped ICE vehicle, the cost difference will likely be more than the ICE vehicle’s fuel cost over the next ten years. So I’ll concede that EV’s do not actually save you money under the current pricing conditions.
Another problem I have with EV’s is that the auto manufacturers do everything possible to make their EV’s unfamiliar and unacceptable to people who like their ICE cars. The typical driver doesn’t want to operate a “concept car” for their daily commute. They want something familiar, comfortable, safe, and dependable.
There’s no technical reason that EV’s could not be made to look and operate like their ICE brethren, so why is it that automakers willfully keep a viable alternative as the least-appealing option to the average consumer?
A golfer hit his ball into a yard next to the golf course. As he went to retrieve it, a very grumpy man came out of the house and yelled, “Don’t you see the sign? It says, ‘Private property – Stay Out!'”
The golfer replied, “I am very sorry. I did not see your sign. That is my ball there. May I please have it?”
The angry man snarled, “It is in my yard, so it is my ball now!”
The golfer apologized again and said, “I understand.” Without complaint, he went back to his golf cart, pulled out another golf ball, walked backed, and threw the ball into the yard.
The grumpy man asked, “What did you do that for?”
“I consider myself a gentleman,” explained the golfer. “And I believe every prick should have two balls.”
Out in a pasture, four bulls were indulging in a bull session.
The first bull proclaimed, “I shall go to Rome and become a Papal bull.”
The second bull added to the exchange, “I shall get a job in a brokerage office and become a Wall Street bull.”
The third bull chimed in, “I am determined to move to China and open my own little shop.”
“That all sounds well and good,” nodded the fourth bull cheerfully, “Go out into the world if you will, but I love it right here and intend to stay for heifer and heifer and heifer!”
While recovering from an operation. a nun walked in to cheer up an ailing patient. During their conversation the patient mentioned his wife and 13 children.
“My, my,” remarked the nun, “13 children! I’m sure the Lord is pleased that you have raise a proper Catholic family. Many blessings be upon you!”
“I’m sorry, Sister,” he said, “But I am a Protestant, not Catholic.”
The nun scowled and remarked, “Quite the little sex maniac then, aren’t you?”
Tom was explaining to his friend Barry, “It’s incredible! My new girlfriend can manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it feels just like I’m getting a blow job!”
“That’s funny,” remarked Barry. “My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her mouth to sound like a cunt.”
So it's been kind of a mixed bag this year. Sadly, my Aunt Pam passed away back in February, then my cat, Alex, died in June. On the plus side, I got Murphy in August, and I finally managed to pay off what was left of my old revolving credit card debt that I've had hanging over me for 40 years.
Born on June 22, 2025, Murphy is about 6 months old as of this post. I picked him up off Craig's List for $10 when he was about 7 weeks old. Since then I've spent about $1300 over 5 vet visits to make sure he got all his shots and yes that includes neutering. Where Alex merely tolerated Gail, Murphy adores her. and the two are regularly seen snuggling up to one another. Those photos aren't staged. These two are really that close.
In spite of everything, I'm still gainfully employed. it's highly doubtful AI is going to take my job anytime soon, so I guess I can be thankful for that. On the other hand I recently found out I have chronic kidney disease, so that's no beuno. I won't find out until January if lifestyle and medication changes are going to be enough to keep it from progressing. Fingers crossed.
On a lighter note, I've started occasionally live-streaming Tarot card readings on Twitch. No, I don't actually believe in magical mumbo-jumbo, but there is an art to the craft. I look at Tarot as basically being psychology with flashcards. There are 78 cards, and each card can have different and multiple meanings depending on its context. When you know what you're doing you can ALWAYS match randomly dealt cards to the context. Form a coherent narrative around the cards and you can actually gain an altered perspective on your situation that may give you more confidence in facing your problems.
So that's about it for 2025. Not gonna lie: While it wasn't all bad, this year sucked pretty hard. I can't make any promises, but I fully intend on putting out more than 2 comics in 2026, and I might even include a few more jokes and rants.
Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everybody!
Pax,
-f2x
September 2026
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GET THE PLUNGER!
What is Flush Twice?
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
