Author Archives: f2x

Two men had been lost in the desert for weeks and were at death’s door. As they stumbled on, they suddenly noticed a tree off in the distance.

As they got closer, they saw that the tree was draped with bacon. There was smoked bacon, crispy bacon, and even life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon.

“Oh my God!” said the first man. “It’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!”

“You’re right!” said the second.

So the first man ran up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food, but when he got within five feet of the tree, there was the sound of machine gun fire, and he was shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly dropped to the ground and called across to the dying man, “What just happened?!”

With his dying breath the slain man called out, “It’s not a Bacon Tree… It’s a Ham Bush!”

A wealthy man in need of a heart transplant asked his doctor if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.

“I do have three hearts available,” said the doctor. “The first is from an 18-year old kid. He was a nonsmoker, athletic swimmer with a great diet. Sadly, he hit his head on the bottom of the swimming pool and died. It’s $100,000.

“The second is from a marathon runner. He was 24 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It’s $150,000.

“The third is from a heavy drinking cigar smoker who was also a steak lover. It’s $500,000.”

“Why is that heart so expensive?” asked the patient. “It sounds like he lived a terrible life!”

“Sure,” said the doctor, “but it’s from a lawyer, and so it’s never been used.”

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter and tighter as the day went on.

That night after the festivities were finally over, she and Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said “Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.”

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, but it would not budge.

“Harder” yelled Camilla.

“Harder?” Charles yelled back, “I’m trying darling! But it’s just so bloody tight!”

“Come on give it all you’ve got” she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed, “Oh God that feels so good.”

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, “See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!”

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out “Oh god, darling this ones even tighter”

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen, “That’s my boy. Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!”

A plane was taking off from the Chicago airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 234, non-stop from Chicago to LA. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax- OH, MY GOD!”

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

A passenger in coach yelled back, “That’s nothing. You should see the back of mine!”

John was getting his haircut when he told the barber he was going to Rome on vacation the next day. “Who knows,” said John, “I might even get to meet the Pope!”

“You’ll never meet the Pope,” laughed the barber. “He doesn’t mix with common people anymore.”

“You never know,” said John. “Stranger things have happened.”

“Well, it won’t happen,” snapped the barber, “and I’m so sure of it, I’ll bet you $100 it won’t happen.”

John agreed to the bet, and two weeks later he returned to barber to get his hair cut and tell him about his vacation. “By the way,” said John, “you owe me $100,” and handed the barber a photo of himself standing next to the Pope.

“My God!” exclaimed the barber. “How did that happen?!”

“Well I was walking through St Peter’s Square,” began John, “when the Pope spotted me from his balcony and summoned me to the Vatican because he had a question to ask.”

The barber’s eyes were wide with amazement as he said, “Really? What did he ask you?”

“He said, ‘My son, where in God’s name did you get that terrible haircut?'”

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules, so the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor. Then he saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived

I know you’re really surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here

A young Jewish boy started attending public school in a small southern town. The teacher of the one-room school decided to use her position to try to influence the new student. She asked the class, “Who was the greatest man that ever lived?”

A girl raised her hand and said, “I think George Washington was the greatest man that ever lived because he is the Father of our country.”

The teacher replied, “Well, that’s a good answer, but that’s not the answer I am looking for.”

Another young student raised his hand and said, “I think Abraham Lincoln was the greatest man that lived because he freed the slaves and helped end the civil war.”

“Well, that’s another good answer, but that is not the one I was looking for.”

Then the new Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “I think Jesus Christ was the greatest man that ever lived.”

The teacher’s mouth drops open in astonishment. “Yes!” she says, “that’s the answer I was looking for.” She then brings him up to the front of the classroom and gives him a lollipop.

Later, during recess, another Jewish boy approached him as he licked his lollipop and said, “Why on earth did you say, ‘Jesus Christ’?”

The boy stopped licking his lollipop and replied, “I know it’s Moses, and YOU know it’s Moses, but business is business!”

A blonde sat down at the bar a couple seats over from a man. After a few drinks she started up a conversation with him. “So what kind of work do you do?” she asked innocently.

“Well I’m a breast psychic,” replied the man. “In fact, I could tell you the exact day you were born just by placing my hands on your breasts.”

“OK,” said the blonde, “Let’s see you do it!” as she puffed out her chest towards the man.

The man reached out with one hand and cupped her left breast, then he reached out with his other hand and cupped her right breast. He then began to intently massage the woman’s bosom.

After a couple of minutes, the annoyed blonde said, “Come on, already! What day was I born?”

“Yesterday,” replied the man.