The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.
The boss called her into his office and said, “Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that’s over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you that you could come and go as you please around here?”
Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, “My lawyer.”
A guy was chatting up a lady in a night club. “Can I buy you a drink?” he asked.
“Haven’t you got a girlfriend?” she replied. “Guys like you always have girlfriends.”
“No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago.” he assured her.
“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” she said, “Go on then, I’ll have a white wine please.”
After few drinks, a kiss, and a cuddle, they headed off back to her place for an evening of passionate sex.
While he was putting his clothes back on she said, “So, you’re a nice guy, good looking, and pretty amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth did you split up with your girlfriend?”
As he slipped out the door he said, “My wife found out.”
Larry finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so he could marry another woman.
“Can she cook like I can?” the distraught woman asked between sobs.
“Not on her best day,” he replied.
“Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?”
“No, she’s broke.”
“Well, then, is it sex?”
“Nobody does it like you, babe.”
“Then what can she do that I can’t?”
“Sue me for child support.”
Insufferable Heat
So for the past week, the midwest here in the good ol’ US of A has been a bit on the warmish side. As the old saying goes, it’s not the heat so much as the humidity. With a dew point that never leaves the mid 60’s (F), the overall comfort level has been bleah!
I just got done mowing the grass this morning, and believe it or not, it’s actually very green, and there’s been a lot of growth in the past week. Usually when it gets unpleasantly hot, the grass turns brown and basically stops growing. Not this year though. Somehow (and without watering) it’s managed to stay pretty lush. Perhaps it’s because the humidity is keeping everything moist. I dunno, but in some ways I wish I didn’t have to go out there and mow it so much.
So this afternoon I’m kicking back with some Netflix, General Tso’s, and I’m cranking the AC down to the low 70’s. Some days, you just don’t want to face the harsh reality that is currently hotter than hell.
Pax,
-f2x
Ted and Cindy were working in their garden one day when Ted mentioned, “You’re butt is getting really big,I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue.”
With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then his wife’s bottom.
“Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!”
Cindy chose to ignore her husband.
Later that night in bed, Ted was feeling a little frisky. He made an advance towards his wife, but she completely brushed him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
She answered, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”
A salesman left town on business. After a couple of weeks he came home and told his wife about it.
“Guess what dear,” he said with enthusiasm. “In only two weeks, I earned 4000 dollars by selling 50 mattresses!”
To which the wife replied “Really? Well with just one mattress, I managed to earn almost twice as much.”
A drunk blonde sat at the bar and called out, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”
The barman mixed her drink and put in down in front of her.
A few minutes later, she called him over and said, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”
He rolled his eyes but mixed her drink anyway and set it down in front of her.
A few minutes later, she waved him over again and said, “Barfender, I’d like a marhini for my heartburn.”
The barman looked her up and down and said, “First off, it’s bartender, not barfender. Second off, it’s martini, not marhini. And finally, you don’t have heartburn, your left tit is laying in the ashtray.”
Harold and Maude had a wonderful marriage, except that Maude was a sex addict who had been very unfaithful.
Harold finally got so tired of her unfaithfulness that he made her promise to get help and never again be untrue to him.
One day he came home and found her in bed with a midget.
He cried out, “Maude! How could you? After you made me a solemn promise I find you in bed with another man, and a midget at that!”
Maude replied, “My dearest Harold! You are the love of my life! Don’t you see? Don’t you understand? I’m tapering off!”
A recently widowed Jewish lady, was sitting on a beach towel at Cocoa Beach in Florida.
She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book.
Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. “Hello, sir, how are you?”
“Fine, thank you,” he responded, and turned back to his book.
“I love the beach. Do you come here often?” she asked.
“First time since my wife passed away last year,” he replied, and again turned back to his book.
“Do you live around here?” she asked.
“Yes, I live over in Suntree,” he answered, and then resumed reading.
Trying to find a topic of common interest, Sarah persisted.
“Do you like pussycats?”
With that, the man threw his book down, jumped off his blanket onto hers, tore off both their swimsuits and gave her the most passionate ride of her life!
As the cloud of sand began to settle, Sarah gasped and asked the man, “How did you know that was what I wanted?”
The man replied, “How did you know my name was Katz?”
