Author Archives: f2x

Over a couple of years Harvey had developed a crush on the beautiful single woman who moved into the house across the street. Every evening he had a clear line of sight to watch her doing yoga in front of her large bay window from his living room chair.

He was surprised one afternoon when she walked across the street, up his driveway and knocked on the door. Harvey opened the door and she said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to dance, get drunk, have a good time, and get laid. Are you doing anything tonight?”

Harvey’s lip quivered a little, then he quickly said, “Nope, I’m free!”

“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”

A father came home from a long business trip to find his son riding a very fancy new 10 speed bike.

“Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.”

“Easy, Dad,” the boy replied. “I earned it hiking.”

“Come on,” the father said. “Tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth,” the boy replied. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the corner shop would come over to see Mum. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike!”

Three buddies got out of work and were deciding where to go for a drink.

The first said “Let’s all go to O’Leary’s. The bartender will give us free peanuts, pretzels, and chips.”

The second said “That sounds good, but if we go to McDigger’s, the meals are half off after your third round.”

The last guy said “That sounds fine but if we go to Paddy’s, we can drink for free all night, then go out into the parking lot and get laid.”

“That sounds to good to be true!” the first two exclaimed. “Have you actually been there?” they asked.

“No,” the third guy replied, “but my wife goes there all the time.”

An extremely obese woman went to her doctor and claimed that she has tried every possible way to lose weight but to no avail.

The doctor, hoping to help her, proposes a radical diet: Rectal feeding! Addressing the patient’s concerns, the doctor assured the woman that she won’t starve to death, and that she’ll actually take in enough nutrients through the rectal walls to sustain life and still lose weight in the process.

Several weeks later the patient came in for a follow-up appointment, and it was quite apparent that she had lost a considerable amount of weight. The doctor showed the patient into the exam room and noticed that the patient kept bouncing up and down and side to side quite energetically.

The doctor asked how she was doing and if there was anything wrong.

The patient replied, “I’m feeling great Doc. Never felt better!”

“OK then, but why are you bouncing up and down and side to side?”

The woman replied, “Oh, that? I’m just chewing gum.”

10. Bangs her head on the headboard BEFORE you begin.
9. She yells out her own name.
8. Asks to be on top so she can balance her checkbook more easily.
7. Holds up a picture of the Playboy centerfold to hurry you along.
6. Keeps asking, “Are you SURE you’re not gay?”
5. Her moans of delight discovered to actually be a WAV file.
4. You find yourself sitting backstage at the Jerry Springer show.
3. Keeps trying to set you up with her friends.
2. Starts her fake orgasms during foreplay.
1. When you request sex, she replies, “Wait ’til the Nyquil kicks in.”

The story is told of a man who got a permit to open the first tavern in a small town. The members of a local church were strongly opposed to the bar, so they began to pray that God would intervene.

A few days before the tavern was scheduled to open, lightning hit the structure and it burned to the ground. The people of the church were surprised but pleased – until they received notice that the would-be tavern owner was suing them.

He contended that their prayers were responsible for the burning of the building. They denied the charge.

At the conclusion of the preliminary hearing, the judge wryly remarked, “At this point I don’t know what my decision will be, but it seems that the tavern owner believes in the power of prayer and these church people don’t.”

A young man graduated from the University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. He got a job working for a local newspaper. His first assignment was to write a human interest story. He decided to go into the Ozarks to do his research.

He found an old farmer in an isolated section and introduced himself to the man. He then asked him, “Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?”

The old farmer thought for a moment and said, “Yep, one time a neighbor’s sheep got lost. We all formed a posse and found it. Then we all screwed it and took it back home.”

“I can’t print that!” the young reporter exclaimed. “Can you think of anything else that happened that made you happy?”

“Yep, one time a neighbor’s daughter got lost. We all formed a posse and found her. After we all screwed her, we took her back home.”

“Hell, I can’t print that either!” cried the frustrated reporter. “Has anything ever happened that made you sad?”

The old farmer dropped his head quietly for a second then timidly replied, “Yep, I got lost once…”