Author Archives: f2x

An out of work mime went to the zoo in an attempt to earn money performing his street act. As soon as he started drawing a crowd, the zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.

The zoo keeper explained to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, had died suddenly and the keeper feared that attendance at the zoo would fall off. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get another one, and the mime accepted the offer.

The next morning the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. He suddenly realized what a great job it was. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people. He was even drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

Eventually the crowds grew tired of him. He noticed that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper came and gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. So day after day the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary kept going up.

Then one day he was dangling over the lion and slipped. He fell to the ground and was terrified. The lion prepared to pounce, so the mime started to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

The mime was so scared he started screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”

The lion quickly pounced onto the mime. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.

Just then the lion spoke, “Shut up you idiot, or you’ll get us both fired!”

Two snakes were out taking a stroll when one turns to the other and asks, “Are we poisonous?”

“Why yes we are,” says the second.

Again the first snake asks, “Are you sure we’re poisonous?”

“Yes, we are very poisonous.”

Again the snake asked, “Are we really, really poisonous?”

“Yes, we are really really poisonous. In fact we’re the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?”

“I just bit my lip!”

After finding a leak in the bathroom, the lawyer’s secretary called the plumber, who fixed it in a matter of minutes.

The bill, however, was substantial. So substantial that the lawyer called to complain. “You weren’t here for more than ten minutes,” he said, “and I don’t charge that much for an hour.”

“I know,” retorted the plumber sympathetically, “and I didn’t either, when I was a lawyer.”

At the hospital a man who had just had surgery was coming out from being under anesthesia while his wife sat at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful,” to his wife.

She was flattered, and continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later he woke up and said, “You look pretty cute,” to his wife.

“What happened to ‘beautiful’?” she asked.

“The drugs are wearing off,” he replied.

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents about a week before Christmas.

As they prepared for sleep, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers.

The youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs: “DEAR GOD, I’M PRAYING FOR A NEW BICYCLE! I’M PRAYING FOR A NEW NINTENDO! I’M PRAYING FOR A NEW BASEBALL GLOVE!”

The older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother, “Why are you shouting your prayers like that? God isn’t deaf.”

To which his little brother replied, “No, but Grandma is!”

Hurrying to finish her Christmas shopping, a young woman slipped on the wet pavement and fell to the ground.

A passing vicar helped her to her feet and said, “You know, this is the first time I’ve ever picked up a fallen woman!”

To which the woman replied, “And sir, this is the first time I have been picked up by a man of the cloth.”

“This is the worst job I ever had,” said Jeff to his friend Steve.

“How long have you been there?” asked Steve.

Jeff thought for a minute and said, “About three months.”

“Well, why don’t you quit?” asked Steve.

“No way,” said, Jeff. “This is the first time in 20 years that I’ve looked forward to going home after work.”