Author Archives: f2x

Deep in the heart of a local cemetery, a man kneeled in front of a grave and wailed, “Why did you die?! Oh why did you have to die?!”

A passing groundskeeper knelt beside the man and said “I’m so very sorry for your loss. I imagine you must have been very close to the deceased.”

“No, actually I never met the man,” the mourner replied.

“Never met the man? Then why are you so distraught?”

The mourner wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “He was my wife’s first husband!”

A Russian man kicked a bottle as he strolled down a street in Moscow. Suddenly a genie came out of the bottle. The Genie said to the stunned Russian, “Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want.”

The Russian thought aloud, “Well, I really like drinking vodka. It would be nice to drink vodka whenever I want, so I wish I could piss vodka.”

The Genie granted him his wish and disappeared.

When the Russian got home, he went to the kitchen, grabbed a glass from the cupboard, and pissed in it. He looked at the glass carefully. It was clear, looked like vodka, and even smelled like vodka. So he took a taste and amazingly it was the best vodka he had ever tasted!

The Russian called his wife, “Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!”

When his wife came into the kitchen, the Russian took another glass out of the cupboard and pissed in it. He then told her the story of what had happened and encouraged her to try it.

Natasha was reluctant but curious. She took a sip, and it was indeed the best vodka she had ever tasted. The two drank and partied all night.

The next night the Russian came home from work and told his wife to get two glasses out of the cupboard. He proceeded to piss in the two glasses. The result was the same. The vodka was excellent and the couple drank until the sun came up.

Finally it was Friday evening. When the Russian came home, he told his wife, “Natasha, grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka.”

As Natasha pulled the glass from the cupboard, she asked, “But Boris, why only one glass?”

Boris took the glass from her hand and replied, “Because tonight, my love, you drink from the bottle.”

John underwent a sex-change operation that transformed him into a beautiful women, and would now be known as Joan. After her recovery, Joan decided to meet with her old friend Pete for drinks at a bar.

“I’m completely amazed Joan,” said Pete. “You look great! You’re beautiful!”

Joan replied, “Thank you, but holy Christ, did it hurt.”

Pete cocked his head and remarked, “Oh, you mean when they cut open your chest and put in those implants?”

“No,” said Joan, “that didn’t really hurt.”

“When they cut off your dick and dug out a vagina?” asked Pete.

“No, that didn’t really hurt either,” said Joan.

“Then what was it that was so painful?” asked Pete.

Joan sighed, “When the doctor drilled a hole in my head and sucked out half of my brain.”

Two women where staggering home after a “girls night out” and felt the need to pee while passing a graveyard.

Of course they didn’t have any tissues with them so the first one wiped with her own panties and threw them away. The other woman spotted a ribbon on a wreath. She yanked it off and used it to wipe.

The next day their husbands were talking.

The first husband said, “I think we need to watch our wives when they go out for the night. My wife came home last night without her panties!”

“You think that’s bad?” said the other husband. “Mine had a card stuck to her ass that said ‘From all the guys at the fire station: We will miss you!'”

A wealthy billionaire was throwing a party for his 50th birthday.

During the party he announced that he had a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it. “To the person who successfully swims across that pool, I will give them anything they desire.”

So the party continued with no takers on the challenge for about an hour. Suddenly there was a great splash, and all the guests ran to the pool to see if the challenger would survive.

The man was swimming as hard as he could. The fins came out of the water, the jaws were snapping, and the guy kept on going! The sharks were gaining on him, but the man reached the end and got out of the pool, out of breath and shaken.

The millionaire embraced the guy and said, “I am a man of my word, I will give you anything you desire! Ferraris, houses, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen! So sir what will it be?” the billionaire asked.

The guy trying to catch his breath said, ‘Why don’t we start with the name of the bastard who pushed me in!’

An out of work mime went to the zoo in an attempt to earn money performing his street act. As soon as he started drawing a crowd, the zoo keeper grabbed him and dragged him into his office.

The zoo keeper explained to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, had died suddenly and the keeper feared that attendance at the zoo would fall off. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get another one, and the mime accepted the offer.

The next morning the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. He suddenly realized what a great job it was. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people. He was even drawing bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

Eventually the crowds grew tired of him. He noticed that the people were paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this made the lion furious, but the crowd loved it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper came and gave the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla. So day after day the mime kept taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary kept going up.

Then one day he was dangling over the lion and slipped. He fell to the ground and was terrified. The lion prepared to pounce, so the mime started to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind.

The mime was so scared he started screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!”

The lion quickly pounced onto the mime. The mime found himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion.

Just then the lion spoke, “Shut up you idiot, or you’ll get us both fired!”