Sunday, February 18, 2018

“Fontaneity?”

Today I wanted to talk more about the font I mentioned in the blurb of yesterday’s comic. The original first font has kind of been overwritten and lost, but there are examples of it in the archives.

Since I wanted a kind of handwritten font, I intentionally aimed for sloppiness. It was to look like the penmanship of a mildly gifted third grader.

The points on each font face were numerous and haphazard. That actually made it difficult to edit into a reasonable threshold of legibility. Nevertheless, I was proud of my creation. It was totally original.

Each letter had unique points because I hand “clicked” each point on each letter. That meant that the b, d, g, p, and q were not very uniform. Every letter was made a little “different” to give it that handwritten feel.

But that individuality came at a cost. There was a legibility limit to how small the font could get. While one should always practice brevity in comics, my speech bubbles could easily dominate the panel due in part because my font had to be big to be readable.

So the other day I sat down and redesigned the font. It was a major revision. Gone are the numerous unique points on every letter. Simplicity is the goal. The b, d, and p are now the same points only flipped, and letters like the n and u or t and f are basically the same. Every character borrows from another to create uniformity, and the font looks almost entirely different as a result.

I really like this updated font, and I hope you do too. I’m still a little apprehensive about updating the site’s logo, so I guess it’s going to take some getting used to.

Pax,

-f2x

Special thanks to all the joke contributors this week. I really couldn’t have pulled it off without you. If you’d like to contribute your jokes to this site, just forward your forwards to flush2x@gmail.com. We never use your e-mail to solicit or spam you, and you’ll be helping to keep Flush Twice a fun and active “Joke of the Day” site.”

Hiding Christmas Presents

Kenny was about to open the wardrobe when his wife shouted at him from across the room, “Don’t open that wardrobe! Your Christmas present is in there!”

“Too late,” said Kenny, pulling the door open. Upon looking in the wardrobe, Kenny said, “Do you always have to get me the worst presents? I mean, what would I want with a half-naked mailman?”

The Defective Toaster

A woman went into a department store and told the clerk that she wanted to return a toaster for refund because it didn’t work.

The clerk told her that he couldn’t give her a refund because she bought it on special.

All of a sudden the woman threw her arms up and yelled, “Grab my Breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The clerk didn’t know what to do, so he called the store manager, who asked her if he can help.

She explained that she wanted to return the non-working toaster for refund, and he told her that he would not give her a refund because she bought the toaster on special.

Once again she yelled, “Grab my breasts! Grab my breasts!”

The manager was taken aback and asked her why she was yelling that particular phrase.

She replied, “Because I like to have my breasts grabbed when I’m getting screwed!”

Rear Ended

Brian and Barry were driving in their car. As they came to an intersection, they stopped for the red light. Suddenly a semi smashed into the back of their car!

Brian got out of the car and approached the truck driver. “Look at what you’ve done to our car!” exclaimed Brian. “You’re going to pay for this damage!”

“Yeah? Well you can just suck my dick!”, shouted the truck driver.

Brian got back in the car. “Barry, I think he wants to settle out of court.”

PE Remedy

Marvin had a problem with premature ejaculation, so he paid a visit to a sex shop for a remedy.

The clerk handed him a yellow spray can and said, “This is Stay-Hard spray. One small spritz, and you can go all night!”

Excited, Marvin took it home, stashed it under the kitchen sink, and waited eagerly for bedtime.

Later that night, he sprayed some on his pecker and went upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, the “remedy” made him orgasm quicker than ever.

The next day, Marvin returned to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down on the counter, and snapped, “This stuff made me worse than before!”

Upon looking at the can, the clerk asked, “I don’t suppose your hid this stuff under your kitchen sink, did you?”

“Yeah, so?”

“You grabbed the wrong can. This is Easy-Off.”

Sunday, February 11, 2018

Sliding Downhill

Every Saturday I go to visit my dad at his house, and I always take my dog Grace along, but this isn’t about that.

So they recently they opened a new Hardee’s near my dad’s house, and Dad wanted to go there for supper. It sounded good to me too. So the three of us got in the car to get some delicious take out.

Dad and I went inside to get a good look at the menu. The first of the four TV screen menus was dedicated to promoting sliders. Grace always gets a small sandwich when we go out like this, and a slider would be perfect for her.

The girl behind the counter informed me that she couldn’t serve me a slider because they were out of slider buns until Thursday. When my dad asked, “Well couldn’t you just…” she cut him off and said she’d have to ask the manager.

OK, so normally I would have gone nuclear at this point, but it’s a fucking slider, not an international conflict. Still, it really got in my craw over the way this had been handled.

Never mind the fact that they ran out of buns. That shit happens. The “buns won’t be in until Thursday” kind of irked me, but that’s not the worst of it either. Cutting my dad off without hearing his proposal wasn’t very nice, but I could tell from her tone she’d been dealing with this all day.

Having worked a few fast food places in my youth, I knew from experience that you typically offer the customer something of commensurate value for the inconvenience, especially when 25% of the store’s promotionals are pushing the sliders. You don’t just drop that shit in the customer’s lap with, “I’ll need to check with my manager.” Have a fucking backup plan in place already.

The girl wasn’t trying to be rude either. She was just doing what management left her with, and when you have bad management, talking to the manager can turn a shaky dining experience into a shitty one.

Fortunately, Grace didn’t mind getting a cheeseburger instead of a slider. It just felt like they could have handled their bun shortage a little better. Great first impression Hardee’s. Good luck at your new location.

Pax,

-f2x

Shy From the Last Time

Marc was dating a beautiful woman. He loved everything about her, but she seemed especially hesitant about getting intimate.

“What’s wrong? Are you just not into me?” He asked.

“No, it’s not that at all,” she insisted. “It’s just that the last time I had sex it was like the men’s 100 meter final at the Olympics.”

Marc laughed, “Over in 9.5 seconds?”

“No,” she said, “Eight black men and a gun.”