A little girl noticed that she had grown a bit of hair between her legs. She got worried and asked her mom about the hair.
Her mom calmly said, “That part where the hair has grown is called your monkey. Be proud that your monkey has grown hair.”
The girl smiled. At dinner, she told her sister, “My monkey has grown hair.”
Her sister smiled and said, “That’s nothing; mine is already eating bananas.”
A man walked into a pub and saw a sign hanging over the bar which read:
“Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00.”
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walked up and beckoned the exceptionally attractive blonde behind the bar.
“Yes?” she enquired with a knowing smile, “Can I help you?”
“I was wondering,” whispered the man, “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
“Yes,” she purred, “I am.”
The man replied, “Well, go wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!”
Holy Shit! Is it Sunday again?
Well, I just renewed the hosting plan with IX Webhosting for another 12 months. I was kind of hoping to set up a server and host everything from home, but there’s been an intermittent problem with my home internet connection, so that’s probably not the best idea at this time. Also, I don’t trust “Spectrum” and would like to preserve the option to cancel them for being a such a shitty ISP.
Speaking of internet
All this could be moot next week as the FCC intends to kill net neutrality on Thursday. While I’m pretty sure you’ll still be able to get to Facebook and Instagram, I’m a bit leery as to the shape the internet will take by this time next year.
This may even be the end of Flush Twice. Once ISP’s get to pick and choose which websites you get to access, it’s highly unlikely that anyone is going to go searching for that plan with “Unlimited access to FlushTwice.com!” When the number of visitors drops to nil, there’s really no reason for me to continue the site, and no reason for me to pay for a webhost or registrar.
Of course you may be thinking, “Well, we didn’t even have net neutrality before 2014, what makes you think killing net neutrality will be any different now?”
The difference is the reason net neutrality was instituted in the first place. ISP’s and other network owners didn’t have practical tools to do the deep packet inspection across the entire internet as they do now. They had “dumb pipes” as it were, and once the realized they could use new technology to bring forth a really fucked up dystopia, people from all walks of life stepped in and demanded the net be covered under the FCC’s Title II.
And while that slowed down those tax-pocketing telecoms a little, we’re soon going to see just how infuriating ISP’s can be.
Of course the way I see it, if the FCC doesn’t want to regulate things anymore, then maybe it’s time to dissolve the agency. And while we’re in the spirit of deregulating, how about removing the regulatory capture that prevents upstart internet providers from bringing new services to communities?
I’m just saying that if this administration is such a champion of free markets and competition, how about they open the internet to some actual fucking competition?
Pax,
-f2x
After wondering for centuries if mankind was alone in the universe, a race of aliens came to Earth. Surprisingly, they came in peace and spoke English fluently.
All of the heads of government and religious leaders wanted to speak to the aliens, so they set up a meeting with the new visitors.
When it was the pope’s turn, he asked, “Do you know about our lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”
“You mean J.C?”, responded one of the aliens. “Yeah we know Him. He’s the greatest isn’t he? He swings by every year to make sure that we are doing ok.”
Surprised, the pope followed up with “He visits every year?! It’s been over 2 millennia and we’re still waiting for His second coming!”
The alien saw that the pope had become irritated at this fact tried to offer a rational explanation, “Maybe he likes our chocolate better than yours?”
The pope scoffed, “Chocolate? What are you talking about? What does that have to do with anything?”
The alien said, “Yeah, when He first visited our planet, we gave Him a huge box of chocolates. Why? What did you guys do?”
A lawyer and an engineer were vacationing in the Caribbean.
The lawyer said “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”
“That’s quite a coincidence”, said the engineer, “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”
The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?”, he asked.
It seemed that Jerry wasn’t able to do all the things around the house like he used to, so he paid a visit to his doctor.
When the examination was complete, Jerry asked, “Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”
“Well in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you’re just lazy.”
“Okay,” said Jerry. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”
A snake and a rabbit were hurrying along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted, “Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue. I think you’re a lawyer!”
James and Lisa went out to dinner for their 10th anniversary. As they were being seated, Lisa happened to notice a familiar face sitting across the room at the bar.
She tugged at her husband’s sleeve and said, “James, don’t look now, but isn’t that Art Lebowitz?”
James nonchalantly looked over and said, “Yeah, what of it?”
“Well, he and I used to date before I met you,” Lisa excitedly whispered. “What do you think he’s doing here?”
“He’s probably still celebrating his freedom,” came her husband’s weary reply.
We’re Almost there!
I just want to thank everyone again for visiting Flush Twice. We’ve got four more weekends left in 2017, and it looks like we’re going to make it!
“Make it?”
I know I shouldn’t count my chickens before they hatch, but it looks like 2017 will be the first year for me to have a post for every single day. 52 COMICS, 53 RANTS, and 260 JOKES equals 365 DAYS for 2017! Woohoo!
Yeah, other sites do this year after year. Heck, even mBlip posts several new things every day without my lifting a finger. But I personally have to craft every single post on Flush Twice. Oh sure, the joke contributors do most of the heavy lifting by sending me jokes, but who do you think does all the editing? Those forwards don’t paragraph, spellcheck, and punctuate themselves!
“Contributors?”
You didn’t think I wrote these jokes did you? Oh no. There are two, sometimes three, contributors to the joke queue every week. I select the “best” jokes, fix grammar, and clean up the formatting from the anonymous contributors who send me these emails with subject lines like “FWD: Fwd: Fwd: fw: Very Funny Stuff! LOLOL!”
And you can help too! If you have jokes being sent to you, FWD: Fwd: Fwd: them to me! The email address is flush2x@gmail.com. Contributors are kept 100% anonymous, and believe me when I tell you I’m waaay too lazy to use your email address for spammy purposes! I just scrape out the jokey goodness and toss the empty husk of your email in the trash. No purchase necessary, enter as often as you like. Void where prohibited, taxed, or restricted by law. Odds of winning are based on number of entrants.
OK, so once again, thanks to viewers, raters, and contributors for making me make the best Flush Twice that the world has ever scene. Just imagine what Flush Twice is going to look like 10 years down the road!
Pax,
-f2x
