Sunday, December 11, 2016


Deny From

So a couple of years ago, I decide to register denyfrom.com. I’m not actually linking to it, because I never really developed it, and at this time I intend to let it expire when its time is up on February 11th. Nevertheless, I rather liked the premise, so I’m going to add a “Deny From” category to Flush Twice. Since most of what I’m going to publish is a lot of shitty CIDR blocks that need a second flush to get’em down the drain, it should fit in nicely.

So what is this premise?

It’s about unwanted crawlers and bots on the internet. You see, in the old days, most of the botnets were individual’s infected PC’s. While some of them still are, the current trend is to use compromised hosting accounts. So basically server farms. There also seem to be certain rogue countries (Notably China/Ukraine/Russia) that also mercilessly hammer websites with their spambots.

The good news is that these hackers/bots are easy to identify. You just look at your visitor logs, and when you see an IP address trying to do things on your site that a typical person could not even imagine doing, cross reference that address with an IP address information site to see if it was coming from a rogue nation, or a hacked webhost. Then you collect all the associated CIDR’s and run them through an optimizer before dumping them into your .htaccess file’s “deny from” list.

The goal is to achieve a reduction in unwanted hacking attempts and improved analytics. Once you block all the bots, then the rest of your visitors are the actual humans you built the site for in the first place.

Of course not everyone wants to go through the trouble of looking through their visitor logs, so I’m going to post my “deny from” lists here. People can simply copy and paste them into their own .htaccess files, or leave comments on the merits of denying all the IP addresses I keep adding to the file. (People leaving comments? Ha! Like that is ever going to happen.)

Some groups really hate this idea and feel that bots should be free to roam, rape and pillage every WordPress blog with endless login attempts, referral spams, comment spams, exploit seeking, and content scraping activities. To them, blocking these IP addresses seriously impairs their ability to piss on someone else’s parade in hopes that maybe they can compromise other people’s sites and use them to bolster their clients’ analytics, or maybe get you to buy their security product.

Why are you bringing this shit here?

Because I can.

No seriously. I thought about doing it before, but I didn’t because I couldn’t figure out how to keep it separate from the main attraction: The jokes and comics! But in case you haven’t noticed, you don’t see these side posts in the main blog. I’ve solved that problem, and if all you want to see are the jokes, and maybe the comics, then that’s all you have to see.

At the end of the day, it just means another menu option under a new category, and that way I don’t have to be bothered with running yet another entirely separate site to express a sub-genre of my many neuroses.


Besides, it didn’t feel right to put it on GoldenSoapBox.com, which is a site that I also maintain. GSB is already exceedingly boring. But it has a really good tomato soup recipe. Be sure to visit it if you like recipes, Linux, and more of my little side rants. The deviled eggs are simply to die for!

Pax,

-f2x

Hair Doesn’t Grow on a Busy Street

Out of the blue a young daughter, apparently already pondering the mysteries of her small world asked, “Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?.”

“He thinks a lot,” her mother off-handedly responded, now pleased with herself for coming up with a quick answer that her husband would no doubt concur with, and at the same time answer her daughter’s puzzlement over her daddy’s growing baldness.

Or she was, until the daughter thought for a second and remarked, “Hmmm, so how come you have so much hair?”

Eight Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

Not that you ever wanted to know, but if you happen to notice these things at Grandma’s house this holiday season, it could indicate they are still sexually active.

8. You find a pair of edible Depends on the bedroom floor.
7. Lately, they’ve been putting their teeth in the same glass at night.
6. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn”.
5. You find your grandma cuffed to her walker.
4. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
3. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.
2. Grandma starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.
1. Their Craftmatic adjustable bed is set for “doggy style”.

The Triplets’ Tale

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son. All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.

“What’s wrong?” asked the mother.

“I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,” replied the daughter. The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears, “Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.”

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. “It’s okay” said the Mom, “I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.”

“No,” said the boy, “I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.”

The Robot Secretary

Ralph went up to Gary one morning and commented, “That new secretary of yours is beautiful!”

Gary replied, “I’m glad you like her. Believe it or not, she’s a robot! She’s the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. She’s got a lot of extra features too!”

Ralph was intrigued. “Mind if I borrow her?” he asked.

“Go ahead,” said Gary.

So, Ralph took her into the restroom. After a few moments, Gary heard him screaming “Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!”

Realizing what must be going on, Gary shouted in the door, “Hey! I forgot to tell you, Ralph- Her ass is a pencil sharpener!”

How’s Norma?

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number?”

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The grandmother said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302, and nobody around here tells me shit.”

Sunday, December 4, 2016


Got a new TV

Last year, I never would have imagined that my living room would end up looking like this. I used to have a 40 inch TV sitting next to a computer desk and chair. The TV acted as a second monitor. On the other side of the room sat a couch with two end tables… Oh, wait… You’ve probably seen it in my comics, because Brandon’s living room (and the entire house) was based off of my own. There are some differences, but I literally modeled my house in 3D and used it for the set design.

So in the early part of 2016, something went wrong with my back. Way wrong. As a result I decided to get a rocker/recliner, and I tossed out the computer chair. So now I sit comfortably on the other side of the room with a wireless keyboard in my lap. It helped my back a lot, but I had to forgo the dual screen setup because the smaller monitor was now too small to be useful. I also had to switch the resolution from 1080p to 720p so I could easily read the text from across the room. Needless to say, I had to move a lot of things around.

Now I had been using this 40″ TV as a monitor since I bought it back in 2010, and over the past year the TV had been glitching badly, and it finally got to the point that I decided to replace it. Naturally I also took this as an opportunity to upgrade from 40″ to 50″. Believe it or not, the new TV was a little too big for the arrangement, and I had to rethink the living room layout again.

So… I actually have a console piano in my exceedingly small living room. It was Christmas present from Grandma Sauer back in 1979. This is one of those things not depicted in the comic version of my house, but nevertheless it’s here. Well it got moved against the wall where the TV stand and desk used to be and has become the new TV’s “stand”. I know it sounds kind of hokey, but it actually looks pretty good. In a way it looks like the TV is mounted on the wall, and there just happens to be a piano under it.

Of course the new TV looks great. They all do. Even my old TV looked great when it was working right. That’s the funny thing about TV’s today… They all look good because they all look the same. It’s just a big black rectangle up against a wall, and when you turn it on it’s a vibrant window to another world… or in my case, it looks like a really large computer monitor sitting on top of a piano.

Pax,

-f2x

Anal Advice

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

“Do you enjoy it?” The doctor asked.

“Actually, yes, I do.”

“Does it hurt you?” he asked.

“No. I rather like it.”

“Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”

The woman was mystified. “What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”

“Of course,” the doctor replied. “Where do you think politicians and lawyers come from?”