A small boy awoke in the middle of the night. He heard strange noises from his parents’ room, and he decided to investigate. As he entered their bedroom, he was shocked to see his mom and dad shagging for all they were worth.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing?”
“It’s OK,” his father replied. “Your mother wants a baby, that’s all.”
The small boy, excited at the prospect of a new baby brother, was pleased and went back to bed with a smile on his face.
Several weeks later, the little boy was walking past the bathroom and was shocked to discover his mother performing oral sex on his father.
“DAD!” he shouted. “What are you doing now?”
“Son, there’s been a change of plan,” his father replied. “Your mother did want a baby, but now she wants a BMW.”
It was a cool autumn afternoon when the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the grandmother of one of the girls came by and saw her granddaughter in the lineup.
“Why are you standing in line, dear?” she asked.
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges.
“Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I’ll get some for myself,” said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”
Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck’em dry!”
It was Miss Crabtree’s birthday, and all the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, “I bet I know what it is – it’s some flowers!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little boy.
Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. “I bet I know what it is – it’s a box of candy!”
“That’s right!” shouted the little girl.
The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son, Little Johnny. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. “Is it wine?” she asked.
“No,” Little Johnny answered.
The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked.
“No,” he answered.
Finally, the teacher said, “I give up. What is it?”
Little Johnny replied, “A puppy!”
Bonus Question: Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton were flying in a plane when it suddenly crashed. Who survives?
Answer: America
Oh, and if you’re eligible to vote in the US election today, be sure to take the time to go vote. Judging from the candidates we have to pick from, this might well be the last time we’ll get to do it!
A young ventriloquist was touring the clubs. One night he was doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he was going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stood on her chair and started shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The ventriloquist was embarrassed and began to apologize.
“You stay out of this, mister!” Yelled the blonde. “I’m talking to that little idiot on your knee!”
You know, on average, there is less than a single day per year that I don’t have something wrong with me. Usually, I get over it pretty quickly and life goes on. Right now I’m dealing with some kind of throat infection that keeps lingering and getting worse. Who knows! Maybe it’s cancer. In any event, it’s really pissing me off.
So basically it’s a swollen lymph gland. Go ahead and google the damn thing. I’ll wait. Now I kinda had an earache too, and there was a soar throat with sinus drainage… But I cleared all that shit up already, and now that lymph node in my neck is still aching. If I move my head or touch it in the wrong way, it will send intense pain shooting through me. Oh joy!
So I’m taking antibiotics. Maybe that will take care of it? Usually those things work pretty quickly, but it’s been a few days, and I’m still not better. So maybe it’s the early stages of sepsis, and I’ll be dead before the next holiday… At least one can hope.
One good thing about a painful malady, is that you momentarily forget about all the other shit that your body has been annoying you about. Oh, my feet still hurt like they’ve been mercilessly beaten, but that doesn’t begin to be in my top ten concerns. My arthritis is probably still there, but my neck is just screamingly painful.
I don’t dare scream though. I don’t even want to talk. It hurts to move my jaw, or even swallow. (insert “that’s what she said” reference…) All I can do is take my medicine and wait. Wait while this damn thing steals more of what’s left of my life. I’m not getting any younger here!
So my dear, gentle reader, take heed. Avoid bad habits, get plenty of rest, drink plenty of water, get plenty of exercise, practice good hygiene, and eat nutritious meals every day. You’re still going to die, but at least you won’t be in my situation thinking that it was the lack of the aforementioned lifestyle that led to your demise.
Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, “Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?”
“I think so,” the man replied. “My wife has made all the appetizers herself and we have a caterer coming in to provide plenty of sandwiches and cakes for all of our guests.”
“I don’t mean that,” the priest responded. “I mean, are you properly prepared spiritually?”
“Oh, sure,” came the reply. “I’ve got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey.”
Pete had just gotten a job where his old pal Bob was working. Close to the end of the day, Bob approached Pete and said, “Hey Pete, old buddy… Look, I need a favor. See, I’ve been sleeping with the boss’s wife, and I’d really appreciate it if after work you’d sort of hold him here for about an hour after work.”
“How am I supposed to do that?” asked Pete.
“Just keep asking him questions about your new job,” replied Bob. “He loves giving newbies advice.”
Even though Pete felt a little uneasy about it, he went up to his boss at quitting time and started asking every question he could think of. To his amazement, the boss seemed happy to expound upon the questions, but after thirty minutes he became slightly annoyed and asked Pete what he was really up to.
Pete felt guilty and confessed, “Bob is sleeping with your wife right now, and he asked me to keep you occupied.”
The boss just smiled, and put an understanding hand on Pete’s shoulder. “You better hurry home, son,” he said. “My wife died two years ago.”
As mentioned a few weeks ago, I lost my beloved orange tabby, Alex, on June 19, 2025. While he had an amazing 16 year run, his passing came much sooner than it should have. I still miss him dearly.
Fortunately cats are pretty easy to come by. All you need is Craigslist and a little patience. After watching religiously for about 7 weeks, anyone could find the exact cat they were looking for... and that's how I got Murphy! Come to think of it, that's kinda how I got Alex as well.
Murphy was born on June 22, 2025. This tasty little hash brown was listed Tuesday night. I texted the number the next morning and went right round to go see him that afternoon. He was perfect, so I paid the $10 "rehoming" fee and took him to be my newest, bestest buddy.
Ten bucks probably sounds like a pretty good deal, right? Well... Yesterday he had his first vet appointment, and the bill wasn't cheap. I already knew he had ear mites because he had been scratching at his ears, so I swabbed them and looked at it under an old microscope of mine. Let's just say they threw in the ear mite cleaning FOR FREE because they were already able to cover a yacht payment with everything else they charged me for!
His follow up booster shot is in 3 weeks. Cha-ching! smh.
As of this Sunday, I've had him a total of about 4 days, and so far he's cost me well over $500! At least he's comfortable and feels right at home. While he can't jump up on the bed yet, his needle like claws allow him to climb up the side of the mattress like Spider-cat, and then he likes to snuggle up with me an Gail... Which kinda worries me, cuz him being so small and all, he's liable to get flattened!
To recap: I got another cat. He's orange, he's smol, and he's a little spitfire. That's about all I have to say on the subject at the moment, but I'm sure there will be more photo ops along the way.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
