So, after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day.
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, “Good morning, and welcome to Walmart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?”
So I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice.”
A man turned to his friend at the bar and said, “It seems I’ve been informally named adviser on ‘Sexual Matters’ at my company.”
“That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counseling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?”
“I’m not sure yet,” he answered. “During the last staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts. After that I was told that if they ever wanted my ‘fucking advice’, they’d let me know.”
A blonde gal went to the dentist to get her tooth pulled, and she was really nervous about it.
The dentist noticed this and while he was putting his gloves on, he started to talk to the woman so she wouldn’t feel so nervous.
He asked, “Do you know how they make these gloves?”
The woman shook her head.
The doctor explained, “In a big rubber factory they have a whole lot of men and women with different hand sizes and they have to put their hands into a big huge tank of melted rubber and wait until it dries and then take it off and do it again.”
The woman didn’t even blink she seemed to be too busy trying not to panic.
So he tried telling her a joke or two but once again she didn’t even smirk. So he gave up about five to ten minute later.
In the middle of getting the tooth removed she burst out laughing and he had to stop in case she’d choke. He asked, “What’s wrong?”
She just laughed and said, “If that’s how they make gloves I wonder how they make condoms.”
Of course with me, nothing is ever truly happy… It’s not like the old days when I could just show up to the family Easter gathering, yap, and eat. Now I have to actually lend a hand in making the party happen, and you can believe with over twenty people coming, it’s a lot of work.
So there’s a new feature. I haven’t thoroughly tested it yet, but the random post tab will take you to a random post. How cool is that? Of course since it’s “random” it could take you to a comic, a joke, or even one of these sidebar rants of mine. It’s random!
I’m going to try to keep up with the schedule for this week, but there’s a possibility that I might not get the jokes up in time. As of this writing, the joke queue is bone dry, and since I’m going to be busy all day on Easter, you might have to entertain yourself on Monday with that fancy new random post tab.
An old retired sailor went down to the dock for old times sake. While is was there, he hired a prostitute and took her up to a room. He went at it as best as he could for a guy his age. After a couple of minutes he asked, “How am I doing?”
The prostitute replied, “Well sailor, you’re doing about three knots.”
“Three knots?” He asked. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
She said, “You’re knot hard, you’re knot in, and you’re knot getting your money back.”
There’s a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic.
The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.
“What condition does he have?” the student asks.
“He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder,” the doctor replies. “If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma.”
The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall.
As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.
“What about him?” the student asks. “What’s his story?”
“Oh, it’s the same condition,” the doctor replies. “He just has a better health insurance plan.”
Her first day at the hospital she was given several patients to bathe and change their beds.
Her instructor arrived in the room just in time to hear the male patient give a howl of pain.
The teacher took Margaret to one side and said. “When we make the beds, we gently turn the patient to one side and push the sheets up against his back. We then roll him over on the other side and pull the sheets firm. We do NOT pick him up by his penis and shove the sheets under him.”
A young fellow took his date to lovers’ lane where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her, “Do you want to go in the back seat?”
“NO!” she answered.
“Okay,” he thought, “maybe she’s not ready yet.”
Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, “Do you want to go in the back seat?”
“NO!” she answers again.
Now he has her bra off, they’re both very sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Again he thinks, she has to want to now. “Do you want to go in the back seat?” he asks again.
Barry got a new dog. Like most responsible dog owners, he took her to the vet and got her fixed. Somehow the dog still got pregnant, and she gave birth to two perfect pups! Several veterinarians confirmed this amazing miracle birth, and even the media loved it. Soon the dog and her twin pups were a celebrities, and made the rounds on all the major talk shows. Barry even wrote a book about the experience entitled, “Two Dachshunds in One: A Spayed Oddity.”
I suppose I should start by telling you how it happened. It was an otherwise nondescript day back in February. I went to get out of my rocker-recliner and when I scooched forward to get up, the front armrests bottomed out on the floor as they always do. Unbeknownst to me, Alex just happened to be laying down there that fateful day, and his left arm managed to get pinched.
Of course he yowled the loudest I'd ever heard him yell in his entire life and shot off into the basement. I felt terrible about it, but then I had no way of knowing he was down there when I went to get up. After a short while, Alex came back upstairs, and I was able to check for injury.
Shockingly, there were no broken bones, no blood, and Alex was able to walk just fine. It almost seemed cartoonish at the time, but down the left side of his left arm was a ribbon of flattened fur. He seemed somewhat indifferent to this, and acted like he just wanted to put the whole thing behind him. Seeing as Alex didn't appear to be in immediate danger, I took a "wait and see" position.
Over the next month, the "ribbon" began to shrink inward towards his elbow. I took this as a good sign that his injury was healing naturally and everything would be fine... But things were not fine. After a month and a half, his elbow began to swell. By mid-April I had to take him in to the vet for an exam.
The vet did a fair bit of Hmmm'ing and scrunched her face a lot. She didn't want to poke it with anything for fear it might introduce something. She took some measurements and expressed a "wait and see" attitude. I then scheduled a follow up appointment two months out.
Only a month later in mid-May, the swelling on his elbow had increased to the point that it started to ulcer. I called the vet and got him in immediately. This time they tried to drain it, but it went horribly. After the first stick, Alex started squirting blood all over the place, and the vet and technician freaked out and were running around looking for towels while I had to hold my cat down in a growing pool of his own blood.
After they got things back under control, she tried again with a larger needle, and went in from a different direction. After plunging to the center of the mass, she remarked that it was solid and that the fluid had probably dispersed into the surrounding tissue. She then went on to suggest that it might even be "malignant" and recommended a biopsy. They gave me an estimate for the procedure that ran from $500 to $800. I immediately left and made an appointment with another vet that I had gone to in the past.
The next day, my alternate vet didn't have any good news. By now, Alex's arm was very infected. At first he suggested that the arm would have to come off, but after noting Alex's age, he pulled back and recommended palliative care. I pushed for a quote on the cost of an amputation, and he informed me it would be around $3500 at the lowest, and that at his age, Alex would only live another 6 months after the surgery, and to just stick with palliative care.
They gave Alex a shot of antibiotics, a shot for long term pain management, prednisolone tablets and a liquid antibiotic, along with an appointment to come back about a month later.
Over the memorial day weekend, I cleaned Alex's wound and administered his meds. Alex was still Alex though. He obviously wanted to live, so I began making phone calls. Eventually I got in touch with the Humane Society. It took week and a half to finally get in, but after looking at Alex's arm, their surgeon said that the arm was "not compatible with long term survival" and agreed to amputate it... in two weeks.
That was the longest two weeks of my life.
Every day that thing on his elbow grew bigger and bigger. In the final week, it started to split open. It looked like something out of a horror movie. The outer layer of skin died off and eventually I had to cut the hard chunk of dried flesh off with scissors. Fortunately the antibiotics prescribed by the second vet kept the wound site free from infection.
And through all of this, Alex was still Alex. He just kept on living his life like nothing was wrong. Even with that thing on his arm, he still walked normal, climbed up and down the stairs, jumped on the bed, table, dresser, et cetera. Part of me knew this cat was gonna make it, but part of me was scared that his arm was going to go septic and Alex would die.
I felt relieved on the day of the surgery. We made it through to this day! Alex would be a tripod, but he was going to live! I dropped Alex off at the Human Society and went to work expecting to pick him up between 4:00 pm and 5:00 pm.
My phone rang a little before noon. The voice on the other end informed me that the surgery had gone fine, and they didn't notice anything wrong during the procedure, but in the recovery room, Alex's heart rate began to drop, he went non-responsive, and his pupils dilated. The surgeon explained that sometimes a blood clot will break free during the surgery and make its way into the brain. Alex had had a stroke. There was nothing more they could do.
Moments later, Alex died.
Usually I show off pictures of Gail here, (she's doing find by the way). Gail is a fun dog who loves to constantly run and play, but Alex was the one that I could really count on for affection. He would hop up on my chest when I was resting in my recliner and purr. He would be there at the door to greet me when I came home. He would keep me company when I pooped. He would wake me in the morning, and insist I gave him a thorough petting before I went to sleep at night. He talked to me with his incessant meows, and made sure I never left the house without filling the food and water bowls. Alex loved to get his "full kitty massage" complete with belly rubs, and he was the kind of cat that would walk up and headbutt me to let me know I was his as much as he was mine.
Flush Twice has been around since May of 2003. It started out as a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes were published every weekday. Over the years, good jokes were increasingly hard to come by, and eventually they got so rare that I just stopped trying to publish them.
Since 2004 there has also been an eponymous comic. I still occasionally publish a new one on Saturdays. It’s also rare anymore, but sometimes it happens.
Here lately I’ve been posting a “Link of the Day”. For the time being, I will be featuring a new website from my enormous collection of bookmarked websites every weekday. None of it is solicited promotions, and no one is paying me to feature their site. These are just websites that at one time I thought were interesting enough to add to my bookmarks folder.
I highly encourage using some kind of ad blocking extension before clicking on any of these links. You’ll also hear me say this phrase a lot about these posts: “They can’t all be winners.” But it’s better than just leaving the site abandoned.
The jokes were generously provided by friends and visitors such as yourself. I want to express my eternal thanks to everyone over the years who helped contribute to the collection.
So what is it that makes a joke funny?
It all boils down to a sudden shift in perception. The story starts you thinking one way, then the punchline turns that thinking on its ear. The art of the joke is to craft a short story that isn’t overly contrived, then deliver a punchline that suddenly shifts your perception about the story you were being told.
Many of the jokes on this site are offensive, and I make no apologies for it. Offensive jokes work by making the reader uncomfortable through the use of a taboo subject thus enhancing the underlying humor. Without the offensive element, the joke would simply not be as funny.
