Monthly Archives: September 2015

A trucker picked up a hitchhiker. As the man climbed up into the cab and noticed a monkey on the dashboard. After a few miles he asked the driver what the monkey was for.

The driver said, “I’ll show you,” and with that he hit the monkey with the back of his hand, sending the poor creature rolling across the dash.

The monkey went down between the drivers legs, unzipped his pants, and proceeded to give the trucker a blowjob. When finished, the monkey pulled out a tissue, cleaned up the driver, put everything back, and jumped back up on the dashboard.

“See that?” said the trucker.

Stuck with awe the man merely replied, “Yeah.”

The trucker asked the man, “You want to try it?”

The man said, “OK, but don’t hit me as hard as you hit that monkey!”

A naked lady was standing on the curb hailing a cab.

The taxi driver stopped and got out of his vehicle and carefully stared at the woman.

Feeling uncomfortable with the “male gaze”, the woman remarked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a naked woman before?”

“It’s not that, Ma’am,” replied the driver, “I was just wondering where you’re keeping my cab fare.”

A fella goes to the doctor and says, “I got a mole on the end of my penis.”

The doc says, “Drop your trousers and show me.”

After a look the doctor says, “I can get rid of the mole, but I’m gonna have to report you to the animal welfare people.”

“So I heard you went out with Shawn. Isn’t he the man who plays the French horn for the symphony?” asked Angie.

Wendy rolled her eyes and said, “Yes, we went out.”

“You don’t sound happy about it,” said Angie. “I thought you were looking forward to going out with him.”

“He was a really nice guy,” Wendy reluctantly replied. “There was just one major problem. Whenever he tried to kiss me, he kept shoving his fist up my ass.”

She was only the Admiral’s daughter, but her naval base was always full of seamen.

She was only the Cattleman’s daughter, but she couldn’t keep her calves together.

She was only the Gravediggers daughter, but anyone cadaver.

She was only the Milkman’s daughter, but she was cream of the crop.

She was only the Statistician’s daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.

She was only the Vacuum salesman’s daughter, but she knew how to suck!

She was only the Violinists daughter, but she took off her G-string and all the boys fiddled.

Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office.

John said, “I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She’s a lot better in bed than my wife!”

George quickly replied “Well, I went out with her on Thursday and honestly I think your wife’s way better.”

A little girl complained to her father, “Daddy, I wish I had a little sister!”

Trying to be funny, her father joked, “But honey, you already have a sister.”

Confused, the toddler asked, “I do?”

“Sure,” her dad said, pulling the kid’s chain. “You don’t see her because every time you come in the front door, she scoots out the back door!”

The confused toddler thought for a moment and then beamed, “You mean just like my other daddy!”

A ventriloquist walked into town and saw a Texas rancher sitting on his porch with his dog.

The ventriloquist said, “Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?”

Rancher said, “I suppose you can, but the dog ain’t gonna talk back!”

The ventriloquist said, “Hey dog, how’s it going?”

The dog said, “Doin’ alright”

The rancher showed an extreme look of shock.

The ventriloquist said, “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)

The dog said, “Yep.”

The ventriloquist said, “How’s he treat you?”

The dog said, “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

A look of disbelief fell upon the rancher’s face.

The ventriloquist said, “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Rancher said, “The horses don’t talk!”

The ventriloquist said, “Hey horse, how’s it goin?”

The horse said, “Cool.”

The rancher now has an even wilder look of shock.

The ventriloquist said, “Is this your owner?” (pointing at rancher)

The horse said, “Yep.”

The ventriloquist said, “How’s he treat you?”

The horse said, “Pretty good. Thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

The rancher was completely overwhelmed with amazement.

The ventriloquist said, “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

With a nervous stutter the rancher replied, “Th-Th-Them sheep ain’t nothin but liars!”

A young boy was sent to the principal’s office.

“What is your name?” asked the principal.

“D-d-d-david,” replied the child.

The principal remarked, “Oh, do you have a stutter?”

“No,” replied the boy, “My dad has a stutter. They guy who made out my birth certificate was an asshole.”

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

“So, how is everything going?” inquired God.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain.”

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc. She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ‘symmetrically balanced’.

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave a lot of the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.”’

And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

“Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?’”

“Just fantastic,” she replied, “But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment and said, “You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see. Where did I put that useless boob?”

Now doesn’t that make more sense than all that crap about the rib?