Monthly Archives: September 2015

The woman heard the front door opening, “Quick! My husband’s coming through the front door! Hide in the bathroom!” she cried.

The lover ran into the bathroom as she hid his clothes under the bed and as she turned back, her husband came through the bedroom door.

“What are you doing lying on the bed naked?” he asked.

“Darling, I heard you coming up the drive and got ready to receive you.” she replied with a knowing smile.

“Great,” he said, “I’ll just nip into the bathroom and I’ll be with you in two shakes.”

Before she could stop him, he was into the bathroom where he found a man clapping his hands together in mid-air.

“Who the devil are you!” the husband demanded.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me in to get rid of these pesky moths,” the lover replied.

“But… but you’ve got no clothes on!” stammered the husband.

The lover looked down and jumped backwards in surprise and said, “Those little bastards!”

One day, a man was out playing golf. As usual, he was having a terrible game. On the 10th hole, he shanks his ball deep into the woods. He went stumbling through the thick brush until he found his ball. There sitting on a rock beside it is a leprechaun.

The man said to the leprechaun, “Now that I found you, doesn’t that mean you must grant me a wish”.

The little fellow says “Sure, if that’s what you want, but I must warn you, there is always a price to pay even for a wish.”

The golfer said, “That’s OK. The only wish I have is to be a really great golfer.”

The leprechaun said, “Fine, but it will ruin you sex life”.

The golfer doesn’t care and accepts the terms.

The golfer then continued on with his game and had a fantastic round. He entered a few local tournaments and won, and went on to become a highly raked amateur.

About a year later he was playing the same course again and suddenly, on the 10th hole he hooks his ball into the same woods. Sure enough, there is the same little fellow waiting beside his ball.

The leprechaun asked him,” Well, how are you enjoying your wish?”

The golfer said, “It has been really great, I’m having the time of my life!”

Then the leprechaun asked, “Aye, but how is your sex life?”

The man says, “Well, I’ve only had sex 2 or 3 times in the past year.”

The leprechaun smiled and said, “See, I told you it would ruin your sex life!”

But the golfer said “Gee, I don’t know, 2 or 3 times is pretty good for a priest with a small parish like mine!”

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month, I’m going to lose my fucking ass.”

Too late he noticed a beautiful woman sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad language.

“That’s okay,” the woman replied, “If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my fucking car.”

Krissy was showing off her new tattoo to a small group of friends. It was a giant sea shell on her inner thigh.

Her friend Melissa asked, “Why did you get that tattoo in such a weird location?”

Krissy merely replied, “It’s actually really cool. If you put your left ear up to it, you can smell the ocean!”

A born-and-bred New Yorker was in the country when he saw an animal out in the field. He turned to the farmer and said, “What a strange looking cow. Why doesn’t it have horns?”

“Well, there are several reasons,” the farmer replied. “Some cows get their horns late, while others have their horns cut off, and still others never even grow horns.”

“And this cow?” the city man asked.

“Well, the reason this cow doesn’t have any horns is because it’s a horse.”

Jake finally deciding he could no longer hide his sexuality from his parents. He went over to their house, and found his mother in the kitchen cooking dinner.

He sat down at the kitchen table, let out a big sigh, and said, “Mom, I have something to tell you. I’m gay.”

His mother turned away from the pot she was stirring and said calmly, “You’re gay — doesn’t that mean you put other men’s penises in your mouth?”

Jake said nervously, “Uh, yeah, Mom, that’s right.”

His mother went back to stirring the pot, then suddenly whirled around, whacked him over the head with her spoon and yelled, “Don’t you EVER complain about my cooking again!”

A preacher was visiting an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sat on the couch he noticed a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.

“Mind if I have a few?” he asked.

“No, not at all,” the woman replied.

They chatted for an hour and as the preacher stood to leave, he realized that instead of having eaten just a few peanuts, he had nearly emptied the bowl.

“I’m very sorry for having eaten all of your peanuts, I really meant to eat just a few.”

“Oh, that’s all right,” the old woman replied. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”

The milk production at a dairy farm was low, so the farmer wrote to the local university, asking for help from academia.

A multidisciplinary team of professors was assembled and headed by a theoretical physicist. After two weeks of intensive on-site investigation, the scholars then returned to the university, with their notebooks and laptops filled with data.

Shortly thereafter the physicist returned to the farm, saying to the farmer, “We have found a solution!”

“Wonderful!” came the farmer’s reply.

The physicist continued, “But it only works in the case of spherical cows in a vacuum”.

1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.
5. Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, and Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

A Wife goes to the doctor, complaining of her husband’s lack of sex drive and desire.

After listening to the woman for a while the doctor said, “I have just the thing. Have your husband take two of these pills right before dinner.”

The next morning, the woman stormed into the doctor’s office and exclaimed, “You have to change my husband’s prescription; it is much too strong! I gave him the pills before dinner, just like you told me, and halfway through dinner they took effect. He got a wild look in his eyes, then pulled the tablecloth off the table, breaking all of the dishes! Then he threw me onto the table, and we made love right then and there!”

“I feel just awful about this,” said the doctor. “I’d like to make it up to you. Let me at least pay for all of the broken dishes.”

“Don’t worry about it,” replied the woman, “We probably won’t be eating at that restaurant anymore.”