So a man went to see his doctor about renewing his Viagra prescription.
The doctor asks, “How have you felt since taking Viagra?”
“I’ve felt great! Sex is better than it’s been in years!” responded the man.
“So, you haven’t been suffering from blurred vision?” queried the doc.
“Suffering? Have you seen my wife?”
An elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him.
“Thank goodness you’re home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!”
He responds, “A Lunatic? There were hundreds of them!”
A single mother opted to have a caesarean section when she found out she was having twins. Unfortunately there was a complication during the procedure and the mother suffered a coma for nearly three months. When she finally came to, she immediately asked, “My babies… Are they OK?”
“They are just fine,” comforted the nurse. “You had a beautiful little girl and a handsome little boy.”
“Wonderful! But I hadn’t thought of what to name them yet,” replied the new mom.
“Well your brother was here, and he already provided us with the names,” stated the nurse.
“W-w-what?! My idiot brother named my children?!” cried the mother. “What did he name them?”
“Well,” continued the nurse, “the little girl is named Denise…”
“Denise? You know I kind of like that name… It’s pretty,” the mother cooed as she softened up.
“And the boy is named, De-Nephew.”
A bear and a hare were pooping next to each other in the woods.
The bear looked over and asked, “Hey, Rabbit. Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?”
“Why no,” replied the hare, “I don’t have that problem at all.
With that the bear picked up the bunny and wiped his ass.
Two hillbillies were on the front porch swigging their moonshine when a sod truck drove by. “That’s what I’m gonna do when I win the lottery!” shouts the one.
“What? You’re gonna drive a truck?” his buddy replied.
“No you idiot!” retorted the first. “I’m gonna send my lawn out to be mowed.”
So last week I mentioned my passion for banana peppers. To be more precise, it's more of a love of homemade pickled banana peppers. Well, guess what?
Earlier this week I picked several fruits off my plants. I sliced them, put them in a jar, and poured a boiling hot vinegar solution over top of them. The next day I made a homemade pizza with a hand tossed crust, and topped it with pepperoni, onion, and my delicious banana peppers.
To be honest, some of the peppers were a little underripe, and all of them were kind of small. The flavor reflected the deficiencies, but it was still far superior to anything you could have bought at the store.
It's summer time, and I'm eating well.
More great jokes ahead for the first week of summer! Thanks to George for sending me this weeks material, and thanks to Glenn for the many pictures of naked ladies. Of course I can't post the porn, so if you would like to submit jokes I would be ever so grateful. You can also send jokes to my email at email@example.com. Every little bit helps!
Flush Twice is a JOTD (Joke of the Day) website. New jokes are published every Monday through Friday (midnight EST). There is also a comic in the sidebar that updates every Saturday. We’ve been operating since May of 2003.
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