A Drink with Carmen

shotglassThey hadn’t even noticed they’d been sitting just a couple stools away at the bar for the past half hour when the man offered to buy the lady a drink.
“So what’s your name, miss?” he asked directly.
“I was named after the two things I like best: Carmen. Because I like cars, and I like men,” she confidently replied.
“Huh… Me too,” the man said.
“Oh really?” said Carmen. “So what is your name?”
And now my dear friends… I must take another hiatus whilst I put my house in order. I hope to see you Monday, July 7th with good news and great jokes.

The Little Girl Visits the Zoo

elephantA little girl goes to the zoo with her parents, she sees the elephant pen and runs as fast as she can to see them. When she gets there, the big bull elephant has a huge erection. As her father walks up, she asks, “Daddy, what is that thing between the elephant’s legs?”
“Honey,” the father gently said, “That’s the elephant’s ‘weewee’.”
A moment later, the trailing mother catches up. The little girl excitedly tells her mother, “Daddy says that thing between the elephant’s legs is his weewee!”
The mother sees the beast’s pendulous member and replies, “No Dear, your daddy has a weewee. This elephant has a cock.”

Detective Profiling

profileThe chief says to the three applicants “Alright, one of the most important things for a detective is to have good observational skills, so I’m going to give you all a little test. You’ll each get a photo to examine for just five seconds, then you have to tell me what you notice about the subject’s appearance.”
The chief takes the first applicant into a room and gives him a photo from their mugshot gallery. After five seconds, he says “so what did you notice about the subject?”
Applicant #1 thinks for a bit and says “he only had one eye.”
The chief looks at him in disbelief. “What? No, it’s a picture in profile! You can’t see the other eye because his head is turned sideways! What an idiot, get out of my station!” He bellows. Applicant #1 flees.
The second applicant comes in and the chief gives him the same photo. After five seconds, he barks “time’s up, what did you notice about the subject?”
Applicant #2 hems and haws and finally says “he only had one ear!”
The chief nearly flips the table. “It’s a picture in profile, you brainless buffoon! You just can’t see the other ear! Get out of my sight!” He roars. Applicant #2 takes off as well.
The third applicant enters tentatively. The chief slaps the photo down in front of him, and after five minutes he growls “Tell me anything you noticed about the subject!”
Without so much as a pause, applicant #3 says “He was wearing contact lenses.”
The chief squints at the picture, but for the life of him he can’t tell whether the guy is wearing contacts or not. So he goes and checks the records and sure enough, he wore contact lenses!
The police chief comes back out beaming and says “you were right! What amazing powers of observation! You’re hired, sign here and I’ll go get your new badge.” So applicant #3 signs his name and the chief soon comes back with the badge. When he does, he shakes #3’s hand and says “I’m curious, how could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? I couldn’t tell at all!”
Applicant #3 smiles and says “Simple logic–he couldn’t have worn regular glasses, since he only had one ear and one eye.”

Granny Takes the Stand

gavelDuring trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr.Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said, “If either of you fucking idiots asks her if she knows me, I’ll send you both to the electric chair.”

A Lesson in Genetics

blacksheepA professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science, mathematics, and medicine. One day, the Chief’s wife gives birth to… a white child!
The word spreads, and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, “Look, you’re the only white man we’ve ever seen around here, and this woman just gave birth to a white child. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what happened!”
The professor replied, “No, Chief. You’re mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion.”
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, “Tell you what. You don’t say anything more about that sheep and I won’t say anything more about that white child.”