So a man went to see his doctor about renewing his Viagra prescription.
An elderly man arrives home from bingo and his wife comes running up to him.
A single mother opted to have a caesarean section when she found out she was having twins. Unfortunately there was a complication during the procedure and the mother suffered a coma for nearly three months. When she finally came to, she immediately asked, “My babies… Are they OK?”
“They are just fine,” comforted the nurse. “You had a beautiful little girl and a handsome little boy.”
“Wonderful! But I hadn’t thought of what to name them yet,” replied the new mom.
“Well your brother was here, and he already provided us with the names,” stated the nurse.
“W-w-what?! My idiot brother named my children?!” cried the mother. “What did he name them?”
“Well,” continued the nurse, “the little girl is named Denise…”
“Denise? You know I kind of like that name… It’s pretty,” the mother cooed as she softened up.
“And the boy is named, De-Nephew.”
A bear and a hare were pooping next to each other in the woods.
The bear looked over and asked, “Hey, Rabbit. Do you have any trouble with shit sticking to your fur?”
“Why no,” replied the hare, “I don’t have that problem at all.
With that the bear picked up the bunny and wiped his ass.
Two hillbillies were on the front porch swigging their moonshine when a sod truck drove by. “That’s what I’m gonna do when I win the lottery!” shouts the one.
“What? You’re gonna drive a truck?” his buddy replied.
“No you idiot!” retorted the first. “I’m gonna send my lawn out to be mowed.”
The jumbo jet was crossing the Atlantic when the captain made an announcement over the loudspeaker, “Folks, we’re having some engine trouble and we’re losing altitude unless we can lose some weight. We’ve already dumped all your luggage, but it wasn’t enough. We hate to do this, but we’re going to have to ask some of you to sacrifice yourselves for the survival of the rest of us. To be fair, we’ll go alphabetically. Now do we have any African-Americans on board? Would the African-Americans please step forward.”
The passengers were all stunned with horror over the announcement, but no one moved.
“OK then,” said the pilot, “Do we have any blacks on board? Would the blacks please step forward.”
Again, the passengers stared in disbelief, but no one moved.
“Moving along then, are there any coloreds? If you’re colored, please step forward.”
At this point a little girl tugged at her mother’s arm and said, “Mommy? I thought we were African-Americans?”
“No Dear,” her mother replied, “Today we are Niggers. And if there aren’t any Mexicans on board, we’ll be Zulus.”
One day, and dog walked into a bar and casually took a seat on a bar stool. “Bartender,” said the dog, “I’ll have a bottle of Bud, and a bag of potato chips please.”
The astonished bartender complies and is further amazed that despite the lack of opposable thumbs, the canine is able to pick up the bottle and chips with ease.
“That’s incredible,” says the barman. “With a talent like yours, you should join the circus!”
“Why?” replied the dog. “Do they need an electrician?”
A businessman on an extended trip to Asia had been making use of the various local brothels. One morning he awoke to a shooting pain from his nether regions. Looking down at his manhood, he saw it was bright red, painfully swollen, and covered in oozing blisters. In a panic he rushed for medical assistance.
The first doctor he spoke to said, “Ah, you have Bangkok cock! We have no cure for that, and it must be amputated right away!”
“Certainly not!” protested the man. “I want a second opinion,” and he left the office.
The next doctor was just as emphatic, “You have very contagious Bangkok cock! We must amputate immediately!”
“I don’t think so,” said the man, and he left that hospital as well.
Getting desperate, he finds another doctor in the poorer part of town, and explains to the doctor what the other two doctors had told him. After a quick exam, the doctor told him, “Yes, you do have Bangkok cock, but there’s no need to amputate.”
“Whew! That’s a relief,” said the man. “So what can I do about this?”
“One… Maybe two weeks,” said the doctor, “and it will fall off by itself.”
The wife kept staring at the mirror pushing her chest out and trying to push her bust up. After about twenty minutes of this, her husband asked, “Hon, what are you doing?”
“I just wish my breasts were bigger,” she replied.
“Well if that’s all it is,” he said, “just rub some toilet paper on them every evening before you go to bed.”
“What on earth for? I’ve never heard of such a crazy thing!” she scorned.
“Well it worked for your ass didn’t it?”
A man was employed at a local food processing facility. One day when he comes home from work he confides in his wife, “Lately, at work, I’ve been having bad thoughts… really bad. I feel compelled to stick my dick in the pickle slicer.” 
