Despite having been married for nearly 60 years, Mildred and Edgar deeply resented one another.

“You’re getting awfully old, Edgar,” scolded Mildred. “It won’t be much longer and I’ll be happily dancing on your grave.”

“That’ll be just fine with me,” said Edgar, “because I’ve already arranged to be buried at sea!”

Mark was hiking along a mountainous trail when he lost his footing and slipped over the side of a cliff. After falling approximately 15 feet he ran into the branches of a tree growing out the side of the cliff.

While hanging on for dear life, he looked down and saw that it was at least a 200 foot drop to the bottom. In desperation he started calling for help. “Is anybody up there?! I’ve fallen over the side, and I need help!”

A loud booming voice that echoed through the mountains said, “I am the Lord. Let go of thy branch and ye will be safe!”

Mark could hardly believe his ears. This was indeed the voice of God, and it echoed loud and clear. Realizing this he looked down again at the 200 foot drop, looked up again, and cried out, “Is anybody else up there?!”

After getting a good look in the mirror, Bob finally realized why he couldn’t attract the hot ladies like he used to. He had gotten quite flabby and out of shape over the years, so to counter this he signed up for a membership at the local health club.

He had been working out daily for weeks, but didn’t seem to be making much progress. He went up to one of the fitness trainers and asked, “What machines should I be using to impress the ladies?”

The trainer quickly sized up Bob and said, “You might try starting with the ATM out in the parking lot.”

Delores special ordered her new car from the dealership. A few days later, the salesman called and politely informed her that her new car was ready to be picked up.

When she saw the vehicle for the first time, Delores was appalled, “No, no, no! That is not the color that I requested.”

Without missing a beat, the sly salesman explained, “Of course it is, madam. This is a freshly painted car, and it hasn’t had time to oxidize to the proper shade yet.”

A waiter was working one night, when a beautiful Blonde was seated in his section. He went over to take her order and saw that she was crying.

“What is wrong, miss? Are you ok?” he asked.

Wiping tears from her eyes, she looked up at him and said, “My boyfriend just dumped me, and today is my birthday. Nice gift, isn’t it?”

The waiter talked with her a few moments and was able to get her to stop crying. He kept a close eye on her, and when she had finished her meal, he went into the kitchen, cut a large slice from the best cake on the menu, and stuck a candle in it. He lit the candle and brought it to her table. She looked very happy, and he was glad. He said, “Make a wish and blow!”

She closed her eyes and made her wish. Then she came up to the waiter, got down on her knees, unzipped his pants, pulled out his cock, and started sucking on it. He had no idea why she was doing this, but she was really into it, sucking away, and playing with his balls. He knew that he should stop her – they did not even know each others names – but hey, when you have got a hot blonde going down on you, are you really going to say, “No, do not do it?”

He stood there, enjoying every moment, and when she made him cum, he exploded inside her mouth, and she swallowed every drop of his huge, hot load. She looked up at him with a smile, and said, “Did you like it?”

He said, “Yes, of course, you do it great, but I am just wondering why you suddenly started sucking my cock?”

She looked confused. “Well, I was just doing what you told me to.”

Now he is confused. “What I told you to?”

Smiling, she says, “Don’t tell me you forgot already. You said, ‘Make a wish and blow!'”

A tourist was visiting a small Polynesian island when he came across a native man proudly displaying a necklace made from about twenty alligator teeth.

“I guess you must prize alligator teeth the way we value pearls,” said the tourist.

“More so,” said the native. “Anyone can open up an oyster.”

“I’m lonely,” Adam told God in the Garden of Eden. “I need to have someone around for company.”

“Okay,” replied God. “I’m going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious. She’ll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word.”

“Sounds good,” Adam said. “But what’s she going to cost?”

“An arm and a leg.”

“That’s pretty steep, ” countered Adam. “What can I get for just a rib?”

A grizzled old sea captain was quizzing a young naval student. “What steps would you take if a sudden storm came up on the starboard?”

“I’d throw out an anchor, sir.”

“What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?”

“I’d throw out another anchor, sir.”

“But what if a third storm sprang up forward?”

“I’d throw out another anchor, captain.”

“Just a minute, son. Where in the world are you getting all these anchors?”

“From the same place you’re getting all your storms, sir.”

A midget was waiting to get on a bus when a busty blonde stepped on him.

The first time this happened, he decided not to say anything. However, once again the blonde stepped on him. He looked upwards and shouted, “Hey you big dumb brunette, watch where you’re stepping.”

She looked down and said, “I am not a brunette, I’m a blonde!”

The midget replied, “Not from where I’m standing, you’re not!”