The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself.

The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I’ve ever laid eyes on.

5’9′ tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.

I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.

No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

She said ‘ Hi ‘, and I said ‘ Hi’ in return.

She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down.

‘So, does that make you feel good ?’ she asked.

‘I’ll bet you feel good,’ she continued. ‘In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt this good before.’

‘Well, I have,’ I corrected her. ‘You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.’

I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top.

Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. ‘How do you feel now,’ she purred.

‘OK’ I replied.

Again, she said, ‘I’ll bet you do. In fact, I’ll bet you’ve never felt THIS good before!’

Unbelievably I heard myself saying ‘Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The Opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a Try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds ’till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and…….. ‘

” Ahhh….” she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt.

My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet !!!! She snapped, ‘Well tell me this, Smart Ass. Have you ever felt such a cunt?’

‘I certainly have’ I answered, ‘I missed the kick.’

The energizer bunny, that popular commercial character has died. The state medical examiner announced today that the bunny had died of a heart attack caused by sexual overstimulation, apparently someone had put the batteries in backwards and the bunny just kept coming and coming and coming..

What’s the definition of an 11?
A 10 that swallows!

Q: What’s the definition of oral sex?
A: The taste of things to come.

Man: “Men think about sex differently than women.”

Woman: “Oh! How do men think about sex.”

Man: ” “Constantly.”

Woman: ” “Constantly?”

Man: “See, you don’t have any idea what you’re up against.”

Woman: “But you’re telling me men think about sex constantly?”

Man: “Well, not constantly … how can I explain … sex is the default setting on the male computer.

1. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?

Answer: Hair balls.

2. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail? Answer: You see
A bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive

3. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?

Answer: Come in five flavors

4. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?

Answer: Crust

5. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Answer: Because Kermit likes Sweet and Sour Pork

6. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?

Answer: If your
Girlfriend chews before swallowing (OMG!)

7. What do you get when you cross a Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Dough
Boy? Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection

8. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh? Answer: By sticking your finger
In his honey

9. What is the ultimate rejection? Answer: When your masturbating and
Your hand falls asleep

10. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica? Answer: I told you to lick my
Erection, not wreck my election.

11. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
Answer: Each can smell it but can’t eat it

12. What do you call a blonde with pigtails? Answer: A blow job with
Handle bars

13. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates? Answer: A
Mobile sperm bank.

14 What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head? Answer:
All you can eat…. Under a buck.

15. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
Answer: A cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”

Ardelle: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!”

Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?”

Ardelle: “No, no, no! I’m just saying, wear an old dress!”

Billy Bob is touring Wales by car, and finds a superb hotel suite for £25 a night. “I’ll pay £25 with pleasure,” he says. “Oh” says the receptionist, “with pleasure it’s £50!”

If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.

What does the sign say on a out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.

Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.

Noticing that her husband’s relationship with the alluring young miss across the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the suspicious wife awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed.

Angered, she dialed her attractive neighbor and bellowed into the phone, “Tell my husband to get his ass across the street!”

“Lady,” a soft, sexy voice replied, “that’s where he’s been getting it for some time now.”

Juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side, an airplane ran into a bit of heavy turbulence.

To help calm the passengers, the flight attendant wheeled out the refreshment cart. She asked a passenger, “Would you care for a drink?”

“I could sure use one about now,” he said wryly. “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been drinking.”