Man: “Men think about sex differently than women.”
Woman: “Oh! How do men think about sex.”
Man: ” “Constantly.”
Woman: ” “Constantly?”
Man: “See, you don’t have any idea what you’re up against.”
Woman: “But you’re telling me men think about sex constantly?”
Man: “Well, not constantly … how can I explain … sex is the default setting on the male computer.
1. What is the leading cause of death with lesbians?
Answer: Hair balls.
2. How do you know if a blonde has been sending e-mail? Answer: You see
A bunch of envelopes stuffed into the disk drive
3. What can Life Savers do that men cannot?
Answer: Come in five flavors
4. What is good on pizza but bad on pussy?
Answer: Crust
5. Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
Answer: Because Kermit likes Sweet and Sour Pork
6. How can you tell if you have a high sperm count?
Answer: If your
Girlfriend chews before swallowing (OMG!)
7. What do you get when you cross a Raggedy Ann with the Pillsbury Dough
Boy? Answer: A red headed bitch with a yeast infection
8. How do you piss off Winnie The Pooh? Answer: By sticking your finger
In his honey
9. What is the ultimate rejection? Answer: When your masturbating and
Your hand falls asleep
10. What did Bill Clinton say to Monica? Answer: I told you to lick my
Erection, not wreck my election.
11. What does pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
Answer: Each can smell it but can’t eat it
12. What do you call a blonde with pigtails? Answer: A blow job with
Handle bars
13. What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates? Answer: A
Mobile sperm bank.
14 What do you call a blonde with a dollar bill over her head? Answer:
All you can eat…. Under a buck.
15. What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
Answer: A cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.
Dorothy: “That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.”
Ardelle: “Well, I’ll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what’s there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvelous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment, and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!”
Dorothy: “Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn’t go?”
Ardelle: “No, no, no! I’m just saying, wear an old dress!”
Billy Bob is touring Wales by car, and finds a superb hotel suite for £25 a night. “I’ll pay £25 with pleasure,” he says. “Oh” says the receptionist, “with pleasure it’s £50!”
If Eve wore a fig leaf, what did Adam wear?
A hole in it.
What does the sign say on a out-of-business brothel say?
Beat it. We’re closed.
Two cows were standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.
Noticing that her husband’s relationship with the alluring young miss across the street was becoming more than a little friendly, the suspicious wife awoke one morning to find herself alone in bed.
Angered, she dialed her attractive neighbor and bellowed into the phone, “Tell my husband to get his ass across the street!”
“Lady,” a soft, sexy voice replied, “that’s where he’s been getting it for some time now.”
Juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side, an airplane ran into a bit of heavy turbulence.
To help calm the passengers, the flight attendant wheeled out the refreshment cart. She asked a passenger, “Would you care for a drink?”
“I could sure use one about now,” he said wryly. “I’ll have whatever the pilot’s been drinking.”
The old CEO was retiring and a new CEO was hired to replace him at a large company. Before the old CEO left, he met with the new CEO privately, and presented him with three numbered envelopes. “Open these if you run up against a problem you don’t think you can solve,” he said.
Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the new CEO was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit’s end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, “Blame your predecessor.”
The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon gone.
About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, “Reorganize.” He did this, and the company quickly rebounded.
After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The letter said, “Prepare three envelopes.”
An old timer was sitting at the bar. The bartender had just mentioned how happy he was with the new ice machine.
“Just look at these new cubes!” the bartender beamed. “Have you ever seen an ice cube with a hole in it before?”
“Yep,” said the old timer. “I’ve been married to one for the past 25 years!”
Harold’s wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.
After applying her new makeup, she asked, “Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?”
Looking at her carefully, Harold replied, “Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five.”
“Oh, you flatterer!” she gushed.
“Now hold on a minute!” Harold interrupted. “I haven’t added them up yet.”
